


The One Thing That I'm Searching For

by Cats_Obsessions



Series: John Seed/oc: Nora Williams [1]
Category: Far Cry (Video Games), Far Cry 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, College AU, Deputy is a criminal psychologist student, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Helping each other heal, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, John is a law student, Mild Angst, Pre-Edens Gate, Pre-cult, Sexual Content, clear sexual consent, now with more angst, only time will tell, or no cult?, real forms of birth control, slowburn, soft john, the Duncans were horrible, they're classmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2019-10-21 13:08:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 74,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17643419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cats_Obsessions/pseuds/Cats_Obsessions
Summary: What would happen if the Deputy met John before Joseph even found him?Before Joseph reunites his family, before he gets a chance to warn them about the Collapse, John Duncan, A law student at Emory University, meets someone else who changes his life forever. Nora Williams is less than impressed with John when they first meet in her Psych 210 class, but next thing she knows, they're inseparable 'best friends'. She would do anything for him, but is 'anything' really enough to save him from his fate?Mature for swearing and mild sexual content





	1. Abnormal Adult Psychology

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely could not get this AU out of my head. Sometimes, you just gotta write fluff. I actually have finished this entire fic, so you don't have to worry about months between postings. I just have to edit each chapter a bit more, so expect postings about 1-2 times a week. 
> 
> Also, I love my deputy, so if you want more info about her and John, or just absolute Far Cry nonsense, follow me on Tumblr at farcry5_obsessions. <3

Nora is late- oh, shit, she is so late and it’s the first day of class! Grey brick buildings topped with old fashioned red roofs surround her amid the sea of students, young and old, some new and scared while others look bored already. Vibrant green trees and grass blow in the warm September Georgia breeze. Her heart is pounding as she speed walks as fast as she can, bordering on running along the paved path, cutting across the grass, and clamoring up a set of stairs into the building.

Emory University is one of the best in the state. It’s quite a step up from her local community college back in Portland, Oregon, but unlike most newcomers, she doesn’t find it within herself to be afraid. She’s older than some of the students now- almost 23 and a junior. She finished her AA while in high school like many kids in high school college enrollment programs. It was the military service that put her back a few years from a BA, giving her experience that guided her career path. If only work hadn’t gotten in the way, she wouldn’t be scrambling to get to her first class, Psych 210: Adult Abnormal Behavior.

She rushes down the vast hallway, the sound of her shoes squeaking echo through it. It smells vaguely of a library- old pages and knowledge floating through the air, she’s sure. The students are sparse here, most already having found their classrooms. 201, 201, oh gosh where is 201? Nora can see through the small windows on the doors of each room, allowing her a peek at the rows of old wooden seats and desks, each stacked higher than the last to allow the students to see a glorified professor lecturing below them.

Finally, the right number is presented to her and Nora stealthily pushes it open. Stealth had always been her specialty, relying on it in her military experience and gaining the position of sniper due to her ability. However, she isn’t in Afghanistan anymore and the door is tall and heavy solid wood that is positioned right next to the lecturing professor in a full classroom, so her attempts are futile.

“Excuse me, are you lost?” the grey haired man stares at Nora through his bifocals, causing him to raise his chin and look down on her like some low-life insect interrupting his great speech.

“No- sorry for the interruption,” she replies calmly before moving to sit down. She emailed him three hours before class started, but he either didn’t see or didn’t care.

Despite her attempts to slink away, the professor prodes more, stopping her in her tracks. “Perhaps if you aren’t invested enough in this class to show up on time on the first day, it’s best you drop the course now.”

“I’m sorry about that. I had a work emergency.” her answer is more curt than before. 

“One that is more important than attending class? I’m sure it could have waited.”

A few students in the room snicker, and Nora can see the others’ faces in shock from his blunt rudeness. She sighs irritably before turning to the arrogant man. “If you had read the email I sent you today, or the prior information I had provided -per university policy- about my particular situation, you would know that, in fact, as part of the Atlanta SWAT team: no, work emergencies cannot wait. Or do you think I should tell the drug dealers, terrorists, kidnappers, and other violent criminals they need to behave and not murder people until professor Bernhart’s lecture is over?”

She turned to find her seat before he could respond, leaving the man in the spotlight of dickery he had created for himself. Let him sweat it out, she thinks. She can hear a muttered apology behind her as she scans the second row for an empty seat; it’s best not to choose the front row after that interaction, and going up any further would take too long.

There are only a few options in this section, each section of seating separated by walkways that extend to the last row in the back of the classroom. She scoots past a couple far too into each other to notice anything the professor says and bipasses the empty seat between a woman with pigtails and a young guy that smells suspiciously of pot. Walking closer to the center of the row Nora spots an empty seat next to someone who looks a little closer to her age. A few years doesn’t seem like much, but she feels the difference between an eighteen year-old freshmen pothead and someone who might take the class seriously. Might.

She doesn’t spare more than a few seconds to glance at him, but the man has a thick, well groomed beard and dark chocolate brown hair slicked back. He smirks at her appreciatively as she sits down, almost creepily, a little too friendly.

She’s half tempted not to take notes at all in rebellion, but the professor is rambling about the assignments and due dates on the syllabus he didn’t give her, and she figures failing her first assignment won’t bring her any closer to graduate school. Reluctantly, she pulls out a plain notebook and pen.

Out of the corner of her eye she can see tattoos on the hands of the man next to her, each one adorned with one half of a scale that seems to fit together. God, he really took this justice thing seriously, huh? His hand nearest her also has a star of sorts with diamonds tattooed on the top of it, while the other featured a list of latin words, all black and white popping out from his fair skin- light, but not without color.

Nora was an entirely different story; a military tour in the Middle East hadn’t darkened her pale skin. She wasn’t deathly pale, an even and natural look she had grown to like, but it makes her auburn eyes pop from behind nearly black lashes and cascading raven hair.

“Here.” the man next to her whispers as he slips his own syllabus onto her desk. She gives him an unsure look, reluctant to leave him without one. He simply waves his phone in his hand. She can’t help but notice the rolex on his wrist as he does so. “Already took pictures. He’s not posting it on Canvas.” he explains, referencing their online program for class information. 

“Thanks… What a dick…” she mutters quietly about the prof, earning a quiet chuckle from tattoo boy.

Nora zones in and out of the lecture for the next forty minutes as the prof goes over the most basic information she already knows. She can’t help but doodle, first drawing squiggly lines, then cubes and circles, and somehow she’s migrated onto cats. It’s cute until she notices her desk neighbor drawing elaborate vintage style birds and anchors- the kinda stuff you’d see tattooed on a 1940’s Navy veteran.

It doesn’t take long for him to catch her staring, too blue eyes shifting to her fat cartoon cat. He smirks at her. Nora’s quick to turn the page and fein interest in the lecture, shamed by her artistic talent being dwarfed by his. Asshole. Gloating about it, too.

It’s almost time to leave the most miserable class she’s ever had when the professor announces their first assignment is a group project- wonderful. And she was hoping she wouldn’t have to make friends. Before she can avoid it, run and hide, the whole class is suddenly let loose to choose a partner from the row they are sitting in. Nora glances around her. The couple on the end are physically clinging to each other. Oh no, pot guy is looking at her. Did he even hear the prof, though? Pigtails girl is leaning a little too forward in her chair to give tattoo boy a look over.

Reluctantly, Nora’s head turns to her left, eyes landing on the syllabus giver.

“So…” she begins.

“So.” he mirrors her, his cocky smile lingering a little too long. “I’m John.”

“Nora.”

“I guess we’re partners then… Unless you’d rather team up with him.” John nods in the direction of the boy who is now wearing headphones and playing the beat out with his pencils, despite the fact class has not ended yet.

“No- no, I’m good.” she says in a panic, and John is quick to laugh at her reaction. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. At least they seem to be on the same page.

She can’t necessarily blame pigtail girl for staring; John has strong features that fit together well and an inviting nature about the way his lips easily curl into an overconfident smirk and his eyes are filled with a strange warmth. He has broad shoulders, and even without staring Nora can see he’s well built. His blue button up shirt exposing a little bit too much of his chest is sure to show it.

He looks like a fuckin’ player, she thinks. Whatever, as long as he doesn’t try charming her, it will be fine. Nora huffs, half amused and half willing the day to be over already. “Did I miss anything important at the beginning of class?” 

“Nothing in particular, mostly the usual spiel to scare away the freshmen.” he says, watching for a reaction. “No offense, if you are one.”

“So, I just openly admitted I may or may not have shot someone this morning and you’re assuming I’m a freshman?”

He laughs- fucking laughs at her aggression. “I’m not the Psych major, figured you could’ve been lying. Consider it a test.”

“Oh, fuck you. Why are you even in a Psych class if you’re not a major, huh?”

“I’m studying Law. This is just an elective.” he says dismissively, but she can tell he’s not put off by her blunt reactions.

“Wow, that explains so much.” she rolls her eyes. “Well, Lawyer Boy, let’s get this straight: we’re getting an A on this project and if you weigh me down because you think this is ‘just for fun’ you’re going to have hell to pay.”

Despite the venom in her voice, John relaxes in his seat, smiling even more than before. He seems to be enjoying the spat, actually. “Duly noted, officer.” Nora rolls her eyes in response again, but a smile is creeping onto her face.

The professor announces their freedom as the clock turns to 12:30pm and students begin to flood out the door. Nora is a little slower to begin getting ready, waiting for their rush to subside.

“Do you have any other classes today?” John asks her, some sincerity returning to his voice.

“Yea, I do next, actually. Something in, uh, Hopkins, I think?”

John clasps his hands together in front of him eccentrically as he speaks “I’m headed that way. I could show you to your class… since you’re new here and all.”

Nora hesitates for a moment. She doesn’t know where class is, and it would be helpful, but a part of her is too proud and doesn’t want his help. It must have shown, only encouraging him more.

“Don’t worry, I don’t bite. Not in public, anyways.” he says, flashing her a smile that shows his bright white teeth, as if to exaggerate the statement more.

She’s caught between disgust and amusement, laughing as she tries to scowl at him. “Oh my gosh, you really are the worst.” she turns to leave, stopping when he doesn’t follow. He stands back, looking like a dejected puppy. “Come on, I don’t want to be late to that class, too.”

John immediately lights up again, quickly catching up to her. It becomes a routine that week. They walk to her class together after Psych 210, and he texts her in the afternoon, each day citing something about the project as the reason, but quickly shifts to more friendly and personal topics. She doesn’t mind it. It’s good to make a new friend, but she knows his type. It’s best not to get too attached. 

\--

Her suspicions about his character are confirmed the next week when Nora spots John from afar. She watches as a petite redhead bounds up to him like some sort of ginger pomeranian needy for attention. The girl throws her arms around him. Before he even responds, she’s jamming her tongue down his throat, careless and inappropriate.

The woman’s pink miniskirt is riding up dangerously high, her toothpick legs sticking out. Even with the stilettos she’s wearing, she is still much shorter than John. And probably at risk for sudden death, walking on the uneven brick paths here.

Finally, the horrendous snogging ends. Even without words, it’s painfully obvious the girl is fake- laughing, hitting John’s arm in some sort of staged attempt to gain his love… or is it something else? Gauging from the law school and the Rolex she spotted, it might be something more tangible. She’s so...fake, Nora rolls her eyes.

Nora feels different. She’s slim and feminine, but she has strong muscles, toned from hours of hard work and dedication in training. Her nearly black hair is naturally pretty straight unless she lets it dry in a bun to form waves as she occasionally did. She liked to have some edge to her, be it leather jackets or a smokey eye on a night out, or just a physical gun and smart mouth. She definitely doesn’t own a pink mini skirt- cocktail dresses, sure, but she certainly isn’t going to dote on some man, downplaying her ferocity or strength just to appease him. Some people don’t like that- don’t like her bluntness, honesty, or fowl language, but it’s not like she doesn’t know how to be polite or sweet. She just doesn’t let people push her around. 

Nora looks away when John’s playtoy clings onto him again for some more PDA. She’s not disappointed; she knew John was a player from the start. But that doesn’t change the fact she barely says anything to him when he sits down next to her in class.

\--

Her name is Holly and she is the most annoying human being Nora has ever met. Oddly, John seems to agree with her on that. Only a few weeks into the course and the project, a 40 minute presentation on cults and social control, is taking up so much of their time that John’s lovely girlfriend has decided to stop in on their work sessions at the library frequently. Nora is near fuming as Holly sits on a table, swinging her legs aimlessly, asking “Johnny” what class this is for, again.

“I’m bored, Johnny.” Holly whines, high pitched and fake.

“Then go home.” he replies, not even looking up at her as he leans over Nora’s shoulder to look at her laptop. Nora can’t suppress a smirk at his brash comment, only to be met by Holly’s glaring daggers.

“Can’t you just hurry up?”

“Yea, Johnny,” Nora mocks “Can’t you just snap your fingers and make the project magically over? Oh, and I want a 4.0, and a million dollars, and a fucking pony, too.” she bats her long lashes at him in a fake pout, trying not to think too hard about the fact he probably could give her all of those things. She watches his internal struggle as his mouth twitches, nearing a smile when Holly makes an angry sound like a bitchy cat. 

“Holly, dear, why don’t you go get us coffees, hm? Nora has to work in the morning. We’ll be done soon, anyways.”

“You work?” she says daftly, cocking her head to one side like a dog. Nora was right to compare her to a pomeranian in the beginning.

“Yes… I work.” What kind of question is that? “I’m on the Atlanta SWAT Team.” She doesn’t normally tell people her job, unless it’s a power move. She knows it’s a bit wrong, but in moments like shocking an arrogant professor or scaring off someone that wants to mess with her- it’s worth it.

“Woah!” Holly looks surprised, then her eyebrows scrunch up and her bottom lip pouts out in some sort of childlike concern. “So, you’ve, like, killed people before?”

“Yea.” about to kill another.

John shoves his credit card toward Holly, desperation all too audible in his voice. “Please. Just get the coffee.”

Holly’s eyes go wide at the piece of plastic, quick to scurry off. Nora suspects she won’t come back with coffee at all, opting for online shopping instead. 

John covers his face with his hand. “I’m so sorry.” 

“I was in the military. I’m used to stupid comments. I just can’t believe you really let her take your card. It’s fucking coffee-” she stops herself, perplexed at John’s willful ignorance. He couldn’t possibly believe that woman loved him? Could he? “-Ya know what? I don’t care. Enjoy your extra charges.”

John chuckles at her exasperation, rubbing the back of his neck as if he could actually feel the tension leaving the room with Holly. “Yea, I’m gonna have to change that one soon.”

“The girlfriend or the card?”

“The card.” he says “Maybe both.”

“Hah, planning replacements already? You move quick, huh?”

“No- that’s not what I meant.”

“Whatever.” she stares at him accusingly, faking a cough “player.”


	2. The Value of a Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone's comments and support! You guys really liked Holly, so I decided to add her to this chapter for some fun. Just, uh, don't get too attached. ;P
> 
> This chapter is a little short, but the next is a lot longer and I wanted to split them up.

It has been almost two months since classes started and Nora met John. Their presentation has come and gone, earning her that A she was hoping for. She’s honestly a little surprised, but they’ve become fairly close. He’s still dating Holly, and while Nora rarely sees her these days, she still gets on Nora’s nerves. Holly seems to think Nora is some kind of threat, which is an absolute load of bullshit, considering she isn’t exactly in John’s social group of “datable” girls.

On this particular day, Holly found Nora and John walking to their class together. She was quick to bound up to them, not so subtly forcing her way in between Nora and John. Holly wraps her arms around John’s in a deathgrip. If she wasn’t so small, Nora would think it looks painful. 

“Johnny!” she squeals as if she hasn’t seen him for a week.

“Hey, Holly.” He responds, very anticlimactically. Nora tries not to laugh thinking about how much Holly seems to be wearing on his nerves lately. She feels a little bad for the girl. Sure, the two can’t relate at all, but she seems to be trying awfully hard to gain his attention. 

Holly glances at Nora, sunshine dimming from her personality as her bottom lip pouts out. Nora has realized that Holly does this for about 85% of her emotions- the extent of the pout is all that changes. “Don’t you have a boyfriend?” she asks, very pointedly. 

“Holly” John fusses.

“Nope.” Nora responds. 

It isn’t more than a second until Holly has a follow up question, albeit, with much more innocence than the first. “So, you have a girlfriend then?” she smiles.

The comment makes Nora laugh a little. In Holly’s mind it must be impossible not to have a partner. “No, I’m single.”

It actually does take her a second to process that, a deadpan expression on her face. “Why?” 

Nora is pretty sure Holly has officially asked her the most blunt and strange questions a near stranger could, and that throws her off a bit, stumbling in her response. “I- Well, you know, I’m pretty focused on my studies, and I work, remember? I’m new here, too...” Why does she actually feel self conscious answering this? Holly just wants to make sure Nora doesn’t try to ‘steal’ John, as if she’d want to. 

“That sounds horrible! Who buys you stuff?” 

From looking at John, he might be physically in pain. She tries to communicate through her eyes how incredibly ridiculous that statement is. The back of her mind is saying he deserves better than to be a human wallet, but it’s his own choice. “I do. Because I’m an adult.”

“You should meet someone.”

“Holly.” John fusses again, shaking his head in disbelief.

“I- alright, I’ll keep that in mind.” Nora replies sarcastically, though Holly doesn’t seem to realize. 

“My brother is a banker. He’s divorced and looking for a new girlfriend.”

“Holly!” John repeats, louder than before.

“What?” she says like she has no idea what kind of social boundaries she has stepped over already. 

“I’m good. I’m gonna pass on that one.” Hard pass. “Thanks, though?” 

Holly is back to pouting again. “Well, you should think about it. I think you need someone to spend time with.” 

Nora is sure, in this very moment, that Holly is from a different plain of existence than Nora- which one is out of place, she doesn’t know. But she does know, she will never relate to this strange little pomeranian. When she glances at John, he’s pinching his nose. He mouths the words “I’m so sorry” to her. 

“You know-” Holly starts again before John cuts her off.

“Holly, dear, why don’t you tell me about your classes.” 

“They’re so hard! Melissa’s getting an A, but she’s sleeping with…” 

Nora only hears the beginning of their conversation before she zones out. This week has been a very very long one. When they finally get to class, Holly stops John outside the door. Nora doesn’t slow down, not wanting to witness the tongue action. 

John and Nora are sit in class, pretending to listen to a lecture on PTSD. It isn’t that she doesn’t find it interesting, it’s just that she doesn’t need to read a textbook to understand something she’s experienced- experiences. 

“Sushi or Italian for lunch?” John writes on the edge of her paper. He strategically sits on her left so it’s not so noticable when he writes notes to her- being left handed and all. It reminds her of being in high school, except their grades certainly aren’t suffering for it. 

“You’re paying attention, huh?” 

“He’s so prideful. I could have explained this concept in half the time.” Talk about pride, she thinks.

She doodles a sushi roll saying “Sushi” John smiles, not that fake smile out in public, but the sweet one he saves for moments of real enjoyment. She’s been noticing it more often lately.

A guy a few rows up from them raises his hand, audibly letting out an “ummm” even though the professor is still speaking. “Isn’t that something only homeless soldiers get?” he says, when called on, both too ignorant and disrespectful for Nora’s taste.

“Oh, fuck you” Nora says a little bit too loud. She’s a menace. An absolute menace. Why does John like her at all?

Professor Bernhart glances at her slowly, raising an eyebrow as if he thinks he can intimidate her. “I’m sorry, Ms. Williams, did you have something to say?”

She doesn’t hesitate to respond, though he likely hoped she would just shut up. “Just that if anyone here actually did the readings or used common sense they would know PTSD occurs due to a plethora of causes, including any traumatic events or a collection of events. A huge percentage of the world’s population suffers from PTSD, actually.” 

In the corner of her eye she can see John watching her closely. He has a sympathetic softness to his eyes that goes hard as he glances up to the boy who asked the question like it was below him.

“Right- S- sorry.” the boy stammers out looking down at them. The class continues, the professor reiterating what she said as if it were his explanation before changing topics. 

John draws a piece of pasta saying “I’m alfredo he’s an idiot… get it? Alfredo=afraid” she almost snorts it’s so dumb, but it does make her feel better. 

Nora sighs heavily as they walk out the lecture hall, making their way down the old hallways of the building. “God, I hate everyone.” Other students shuffling to their next classes surround them, filling the hall with noise, as well as plenty of ears to hear her exasperation. 

John smiles, but he still rebukes her. “You can’t just say that.”

“I can, and I will.” They’re making their way to her class. The walk is several blocks, and she is sure they’ll see at least one person John knows. 

“Ms. Williams, you wound me.” He makes a circular motion over his chest as if to emphasize his pain.

She laughs at his dramatic response “okay, okay. I hate everyone except for you. Mostly.” She gives him a smart smirk. “I really don’t care if anyone overhears me. If they have a problem with that, they can go fuck themselves.”

John’s dark laugh does something weird to her stomach. It makes her feel like she shouldn’t like it, but she does. “It really doesn’t bother you what other people think, does it?”

“Hey John!” A group of rich kids wave to him. The one that spoke rakes his eyes over Nora like she’s a piece of meat in a grocery store. She glares at him furiously. Meanwhile, one of the girls with big hair and a sway in her walk looks at Nora with disgust. 

She was used to it. These vultures eye up a person for every article of clothing and piece of jewelry to evaluate the individual’s monetary possessions and, therefore, social value. But John never made her feel that way. 

Nora had to take out student loans to study here, even with 60% coverage from her GI Bill, but she doesn’t consider herself significantly in poverty. But Emory is a private school, and the people John knows are the richest of the rich. She likes to think it doesn't bother her if they look down on her. Maybe it does a little. 

“I’m not here to make fake friends, John. Sorry if I’m ruining your perfect reputation.” She scoffs in their direction. 

John looks back to the group like he didn’t even realize his “friends” regard her differently. He never considered it. He looks at her- really takes her in. She is well put together, looks nice. She wears makeup varying from natural to smokey browns and looks gorgeous either way. Of course, she isn’t covered in diamonds and her clothes aren’t name brand, a social faux pas for that group. 

As he ponders this, his eyes venture to other things. There’s a natural beauty to her body. No silicone in her, he thinks. Though he’d probably have to touch to be sure… Even through the soft oversized sweater she’s wearing, he can tell her breasts are full, but smaller than Holly’s for sure. Maybe a full B cup. Her leggings hug her glorious ass in a way that makes him want to drool- not that he looks at her ass often. He tries very hard not to look. But he’s sinful and gives into temptations easily. 

More importantly, she’s the only genuine person he’d met in forever. She’s transparent- not in the way people open up to John normally, but in a way that she doesn’t seem like she has secrets to keep. And if she does, they’re not of the nature his regular social group’s secrets are. And she’s tough, smart, and bold. The rich and powerful around here are none of those things.

Then there's Holly. He knows she's using him. Isn't that why he picked her? She was easy to please with enough money. Of course, she was getting antsy these days, and after the initial excitement of a new girlfriend wore off, he's realized he doesn't particularly like being around her. She's not like Nora. She's not... genuine. 

“Why would you think that?” John knows the answer, but he wants to know what she thinks. 

She shoots him a look that says it all “If I have to spell it out for you, I’m not sure you should be a lawyer. Critical thinking might be broken.”

“Lots of lawyers don’t use critical thinking, sweety.” he chides, though he can see her irritation nearly radiating off of her. Maybe he pushed too far.

“Whatever.” Nora reaches to open the door to the building so she can slip inside and escape John’s prodding, but he reaches out to stop her, his hand lightly grasping her arm.

“Wait, Nora.” 

He can feel the muscles tense in her arm and relax under his touch. She reluctantly turns to him, sighing heavily. “What?” 

“Forget them, okay? If those assholes don’t like you, they’re fucking blind. You’re-” John pauses to collect his thoughts. The word ‘perfect’ bounces around his dense skull. He scolds himself for even thinking that of someone he’s known for such a short amount of time. “You’re good. Better than them, by far. You don’t really think I care what they think, do you?” 

She gives him a little crooked smile that speaks of sadness. “You’re sweet, John.” she reaches out to run her hand down his forearm reassuringly, the sensation burning into his skin. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

She didn’t answer the question.


	3. Bad Habits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the encouraging comments! This is one of my favorite chapters! POV changes will happen occasionally just to fit the needs of the story. This is mostly from John's perspective because it's an important moment for him. (But I don't know anything about being high, so um, just ignore that part if it doesn't seem accurate.)
> 
> *The code to open the gate to John's house (3825) spells something with the letters on the keypad. I wonder if anyone can guess? ;D I'm tempted to offer a Nora/John prompt fill (au or canon) for the first person who can?? I'm not sure how difficult it is to figure out or if anyone would have a request.

Some pop tune is pounding in the background, and he can feel his head ache growing in time with the beat. Cigarette smoke mixed with the fumes of marijuana dance lazily through the house. Holly is sitting beside him nearly curled onto his lap as she talks, or yaps, at a group of girls near them.

Her sorority house is filled with students celebrating the last week of school before winter break. Red solo cups litter the room, weirdly contrasting the expensive drinks that filled many of them- a rich kid’s party. John’s head is floating; he feels numb to the situation around him. A regular Friday night like this he would be making his rounds as a socialite desperate for the attention and affirmation of each individual there.

When did he stop caring so much? Each week, it is getting worse and worse. He has barely moved all evening after downing enough alcohol to make him stop feeling. Even the joint wouldn’t calm his mind, though. Thinking back on it, when did he start caring so much?

Looking around the room, he studies the faces of each person there. He knows many of them, some from his own program of study. But they’re not his people. Doesn’t feel like it tonight, anyways. The dull buzzing of his phone drags him out of his head just enough to glance at it.

 **Nora 1:34am**  
So, uh, they checked our lockers today at work.  
Good thing I only had these books in there...  
[image attached]

 **Nora 1:35am**  
I’ll just prepare for my mental evaluation now.

The image shows a pile of books splayed on her lap. Her hand steadies them, showing off her maroon manicure and that simple gold ring she always wears on her pointer finger. The top book is Charles Manson’s autobiography, another is on brainwashing and the public, and one on the People’s Temple. The image makes him chuckle a little too much, imagining the SWAT team discovering their sniper was reading up on mass suicide and brainwashing in her free time, completely unaware it’s for a class. Their presentation was over, but Nora had decided to continue the topic into her final paper. Being early December, she was probably spending a lot of time on it.

 **John 1:37am**  
Hahaha I’ll visit you in jail

 **John 1:37am**  
Or should I say the insane asylum?

 **Nora 1:38am**  
Wow, I was going to say the unemployment office, but  
you seem confident in me, huh? Hahaha asshole.

 **John 1:39am**  
If you need a lawyer, I know a guy ;)

He can feel himself smiling as he texts her. It’s unintentional. He likes the fake banter- loves it, actually. It’s so much different than how other people act, hiding their real feelings and pretending to be perfect all the time. That’s something that has been on his mind a lot lately. Nora has a rawness about her that just… gets him. It makes him comfortable, like maybe someone actually cares- not that she does. He knows she couldn’t.

“Johnny” Holly whines, dragging out her nickname for him. Oh god, it sounds so wrong in her mouth. He hates it. “Stop looking at your phone. You’re at a party!”

He doesn’t look up from his phone as he responds. “I really don’t care.”

She laughs nervously. Her friends are watching, and she doesn’t want to look bad in front of them. Got to make their relationship look good, right? “You’re so funny, sweety.”

 **John 1:41am**  
Or maybe I’ll just join you in the insane asylum…

He includes an Emoji that only looks half as irritated as he is. He’s on edge. Isn’t pot supposed to calm people down?

 **Nora 1:45am**  
Oh? What’s bothering you?

John contemplates his response, knowing Holly is trying to lean over his phone to see what they’re talking about. She always tries to steal it and go through it. He’s not a cheater- a flirt maybe, but he’d dump her if he thought anything was going to happen between him and Nora.

Didn’t stop him from wishing. Imagining, too, whenever he’s _with_ Holly, trying to drown out her sounds and replace them with what he can only imagine Nora’s smooth voice would be like, velvety and breathless against his ear. What would she say? Oh, he bets she has some snarky comments to egg him on, get him riled up just to enjoy the roughness. Let him take her, maybe even till she was begging. A shiver runs down his spine at the thought.

Yea, he’s garbage, but he’s not a cheater. He needs to redirect his mind before it becomes a _problem_. John glances up to see the group around them has changed, a few different people came over, including a blond haired jock that always has his eye on Holly. John used to be jealous, but now he’s impartial, watching as she bats her eyes at him, leaning across the glass coffee table.

John’s eyes slowly drift to the table. The jock is kneeling by it, chopping up a powder with his credit card. Gross. Does he have any idea how many germs travel on credit cards? Have fun in the TSA line when drug dogs smell the remnants on that thing.

“John, you want the first hit? MDMA, looks like you could use some.” he says in a real Georgia drawl, rolling up a hundred dollar bill. That’s probably not the most efficient means of snorting, but John guesses he does it for the ‘cool’ factor.

It wouldn’t be the first time he’s done it, that’s part of why John’s offered first dibs. He’s tried most drugs out there. Been through withdrawal after withdrawal, just switching drugs in the end. Lately, he moved on to controlled recreational use and some adderall during finals week and busy times in the office. Mostly pot when his nerves are acting up, anxiety rampant in his chest every so often.

He considers it, a little extacy to perk him up. He’d barely been sleeping all week, having dreams about the Duncans and his brothers again. He could never tell anyone, though. Certainly not Holly, and she’s been demanding of him for it. The only thing these people can even pretend to do nicely is offer him drugs, but even then it’s just for their own personal gain. His phone buzzes again, distracting him momentarily.

 **Nora 1:55am**  
I’m heading home from work. If you need anything, let me know  
**Nora 1:55am**  
Seriously, even if it’s “nothing”, I’m here.

“No.” Something snaps inside of him. John’s eyes are doing something weird and he’s standing up, his legs moving of their own volition. ‘No one gives a shit about you’ rings through his head. He feels shell shocked looking around the room. He’s instantly coming to terms with the fact he hates every single person there, and it’s becoming overwhelming. “I think… I think I need to go.”

“Don’t be such a party pooper!” Holly says, grabbing ahold of his wrist as he tries to walk away from her.

He rips it out of her grasp a little too forcefully, uncaring of his brashness as the burdens weighing down on him all night come to a breaking point within him. “Oh, fuck off.” he says.

MDMA boy jumps to his feet, pretending to care about Holly’s feelings “Hey, jackass!”

“I said fuck off!” John yells a little too loudly, this time directed at the boy. Heads turn in the room to stare at him like he’s some kind of freak. He is, isn’t he? Broken. He doesn’t belong here or anywhere, really. “All of you can fuck off!” he points his finger at the onlookers as if to make it more explicit.

He pushes through the group of people that are conveniently standing in doorways and halls as he makes his way out. In the back of his mind, he’s vaguely aware of people saying his name, someone puts their hand on his shoulder, but he can barely register it. It’s all just too much. If they knew- if they knew who he really was they wouldn’t even touch him.

John was trying so hard not to make a scene, but they just wouldn’t let him go, give him space. He’s not like them, not perfect. He just wants to leave. He makes it onto the front patio by the time Holly catches up with him. “Johnny! Wait!”

He wonders if she even knows that’s not his name. John doesn’t turn to face her, just rubs his face irritably.

“Where are you even going? I don’t understand.” she says.

“No, you don’t. Do you?” he says harshly. The hurt in her eyes remind him she’s human, but what if he doesn’t care? He’s tainted, afterall. “I’m done. I’m just done. I’m done with this stupid party, these stupid people, and this stupid excuse for a relationship. You don’t even know me, and to be honest, I don’t really want to know you anymore.”

“What? That- That’s not true!” her voice goes soft, even higher than normal. I- I love you, John.”

He knows that trick: pulling out the three word utterance in desperation, yet it holds no meaning. He could say a million things. He could tell her what she loves. His money. His car. His cock. Not him. But instead, he wants her to realize it. “Why?”

“I-” she opens and closes her mouth several time before falling silent. Her lip pouts out dramatically.

“That’s what I thought.” he smirks, as if he won the battle when in reality he should be feeling loss. But he doesn’t.

Holly balls her hands into fists and stomps on the ground like a toddler having a tantrum before skreiching. “Fuck you John Duncan!”

He laughs, a sick dark tone, as he puts both hands into his pockets and strolls off the porch and down the dark street.

Holly drove him there. He’s several miles from home without a car; should probably call an uber, but he keeps walking, trying to distance himself from the dumpster fire that is his life. And, also, that horrible party and all those insipid people.

He deserves to be alone, anyways. He has been lying to himself long enough. He doesn’t want to pretend he fits in there. He doesn’t know if real him fits in anywhere, but he doesn’t want to spend his time around people who don’t care about him, even if that means no one does. But… he’s afraid to be alone.

The phone is to his ear before he remembers dialing. The music fades as he gets farther away from the house, the only noise slowly becoming the ringing of the other phone.

“Hey!” a soft voice answers. It’s strong and feminine. So sweet. “Everything okay?”

Oh.

Oh, he recognizes that voice.

“John?”

He is so fucking high, and he called a cop. A fucking cop- no, no. He called his lovely incredibly dangerous SWAT friend at almost 2:30 am and he is so so fucking high. He can feel his blood pressure rising along with the thumping in his chest and a weird feeling in his stomach.

“Hello?” she says in a sing songy voice.

“Uh- H- Hey.” he finally spits out.

“Hey.” She sounds more cheerful to hear his voice.

“I- uh…” he stalls. Could he really ask his cop friend to drive his high ass home. “I’m fucking fucked up. I, um,” another long pause.

“Do you want me to pick you up somewhere?” she finishes for him, graciously like she was some kind of angel.

He sighs deeply before he can answer, letting silence fall between them as he processes the night. “Y-Yea, could you?”

She doesn’t hesitate to answer “Sure, can you send me your location?”

John finds a curb to sit on a few blocks from Holly’s sorority house and fumbles with his phone to share his location with her, never hanging up. All the while his brain is screaming ‘you don’t deserve her’ over and over again. It’s right. He doesn’t. He drags his hand down his face again. He’s been rubbing it all night, hasn’t he? His eyes are going to look like shit tomorrow.

“Sent.” he grunts, willing his dignity to stay in tact, if that is possible.

“Cool. Oh, the ritzy part of town!” she teases. He can’t help but chuckle. He feels tired and hungry all the sudden, but she makes him smile.

When they hang up he buries his face in his hands until headlights illuminate his surroundings and some kind of black sedan pulls up. He gets in without even checking the driver- figures he’s okay with dying tonight anyways. At least then she wouldn’t smell the pot on him.

That doesn’t happen, though. She turns on the cab light as soon as he gets in to evaluate his state. Bloodshot eyes, dilated pupils, probably stinks. “God, how old are you?” Nora asks.

“25”

“That was a rhetorical question, buddy.” she laughs at him as she reaches across the console to give him a hug, nice and warm. His brain tells him she smells like home- whatever that means.

He realizes she’s never hugged him before. Are they hugging friends now? His dick wants to know if they’re more than hugging friends, but his brain is pretty sure they’re not. “What was that for?”

“‘Cause you look like shit, Duncan.”

He doesn’t think he’s ever laughed as hard as he does when she says that, tears bead up in his eyes, and he’s sure she’s laughing at him more than with him, but he has the weirdest warm feeling in his chest, stress dissipating with each moment.

She gets his address from him, opting to stop by a 24/7 burger place on the way there. He feels like a little kid being treated after doing something great like getting all A’s in school; he’s heard that’s what parents were supposed to do. In reality he was a drunk high adult with very little to offer in life other than a pretty face and a lot of money.

“Tell me about your day.” She says, shoving a warm cheeseburger into his hand.

John unwaps it carefully, the smell of food overpowering his own stench of party and bad decisions. When he takes a large bite, it’s a bit too warm, but oh so good. He lets a groan slip out as his head falls back against the headrest.

“God, I wanted to know about your day, not hear the soundtrack to your sex life.” she says, nose wrinkled up at him in the cutest way.

He nearly chokes on his food at the comment, finally forcing it down with some of the cookies and cream milkshake she bought for him. He clears his throat “Sorry. I cursed out a room of people that think they’re my friends and dumped my girlfriend on the front porch. And you, my dear?”

“If I told you, I’d have to kill you.” she flashes him a toothy grin. “Tell me more. I’m very intrigued to know what John Duncan is like when he loses his cool.”

“You really don’t want to know” he mutters. He’s very aware of his anger issues. Back at the house? That was nothing. If nothing is broken- no holes in the wall or shattered glasses, it’s nothing. He doesn’t erupt at people, typically, likes to keep that broken part of him hidden, but it’s always there, simmering. “I just realized I hated all of them. They don’t really care. What’s the point?”

No one cares about him. He’s sure of that. Nora is the closest, and he doesn’t deserve it. If she knew the truth about him, she would realize that. He couldn’t say that, though.

Nora purses her lips and takes a sip of her milkshake before she responds. “Yea, you shouldn’t spend time around people that don’t make you happy. Especially assholes that just want to use you.” The last sentence was particularly pointed.

Silence falls between them before she speaks up again. “You could just stop pretending.”

John has a mouthful of burger when he answers “What?!” There are a lot of things John pretends. He pretends to be a different person, pretends he likes people he doesn’t, pretends to fit in. Right now he’s pretending he doesn’t notice how pretty Nora’s lips are.

“Pretending? I’m not stupid. I’m a Psych major for a reason, John. You’re always pretending to be something. Don’t you get tired of it?”

“Everyone has to pretend sometimes.” he says defensively.

“Sometimes, sure. But to their girlfriend? Friends? No.”

“If I don’t pretend, I don’t have friends.”

“You have me. And I do know when you’re faking and when you’re not. I like the real you a lot more.”

It’s a nice sentiment. It really is. But he knows it’s not true. He might not want to waste his time on parties filled with assholes anymore, but he can’t really let down his guard, even with Nora. There’s a darkness in him- something truly horrible. She shouldn’t have to see that, know that, or even think about that.

“You wouldn’t, if you really got to know him.”

“Try me.”

John grunts dismissively, but he feels embarrassed and oddly vulnerable.

“You deserve to be accepted for who you are, not liked for who you’re not.” she mutters.

John stares at Nora, and he sees all the stars and the moon in the sky, a beacon of light in his eternal darkness. And she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

He can’t say a word. His thoughts are stuck in his throat. So instead, he turns her sentiment over in his mind as she drives, repeating it until he feels dizzy.

When her car rolls up to the gates outside his house she lets out a small whistle, but otherwise hides any surprise. It’s not huge compared to his parents’ old mansion, but it’s more than most people ever have.

The modern contemporary home is covered in large windows that let golden streams of sunlight through every beautiful Georgia day. John owns most the land around it, a lush garden and wildlife to give him privacy from any neighbors. He could fuck on the back porch and no one would see nor hear it. Hell, he has before.

It’s not that Johns a complete womanizer. In his early years, he bounced from one night stands and short term hook ups to the next, but as he got older he started to prefer relationships more. That’s not to say they were ever successful, healthy, or even genuine, but the small moments of pretending someone one was his, really his, is like a drug. Just enough to let him imagine what it might be like to be loved.

Nora rolls down the window as she stops next to the keypad. She glances at John raising one of her eyebrows at him curiously, waiting for a code.

“It’s, uh-” he draws a blank. “Try 666”

She does, shooting him an incredulous look “That’s not it, asshole.”

“Right.” It was really just the first number that popped into his mind. In reality, his brain is frozen. He’s so used to the motion of entering the code he doesn’t even think of the numbers. He presses imaginary buttons on his leg, trying to match the movement with words. “Just let me”

John maneuvers himself to lean across Nora’s lap and reach out the window. She pulled up a little too far, so he has to face her to reach it. He’s practically sitting on the center console. When his hand finally makes contact with the keypad, he is dangerously close to her space. He can feel her breath on him and the heat radiating off her body.

He tries not to focus on how close she is. How inviting her lips look and certainly tries not to think of all the compromising situations his imagination likes to put her in.

His first try to open the gate falters causing him to let out a loud groan. Nora laughs lightly at him, placing a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. She’s pressed back in her chair, but doesn’t seem to mind his intrusion too much.

 **3825** \- The second attempt works and the gates are beginning to open. As John recoils, he makes the mistake of looking at Nora. The close proximity momentarily freezes him in his tracks. He feels himself licking his lips, as if he can’t control it, watching her full lips part slightly. His breath is unsteady.

His eyes flicker up to her own, gorgeous copper brown pools that pop behind her dark lashes. Her pupils are big, dilated from the dim light, staring first at his lips and then up to his eyes. John pulls himself back into his chair with a groan, his face going red hot in the heat of her gaze. He might be imagining things, but he thinks her cheeks are pink, too.

He tries not to stare as Nora bites her lip. She looks flustered and frustrated by him. He would dwell on it, tease her and rejoice in his own cockiness if he weren’t raging an internal battle all night. He’s never been effected by anyone like this before. He hopes its the substance abuse, but he knows it’s not.

She rubs her middle finger and thumb together absentmindedly before shifting into drive and pulling up in front of his house. A nervous tick? The front door is obscured from their spot, but the porch light is on. He has it set on a timer, thankfully, for nights like this.

“Um, I just want to make sure you get in all right. Can I walk you to the door?” Nora says, a little embarrassed by her concern for him.

It makes him snort “Sure, officer. Can come in if you want” John mentally rebukes himself as they get out of her car to make their way to the porch. Did he really just invite this pure angel into a wolf’s den?

“Johnny boy needs someone to tuck him into bed?” she mocks “Keep dreaming, Duncan.”

“That’s not what I meant!” Though he wouldn’t say no.

“Just teasing. Seriously, though, it’s late and I have some errands to run tomorrow.”

Thank goodness. Though, he can’t deny the disappointed feeling that struck him at her denial. He felt bad for keeping her so late already.

“Sorry… Can I give you gas money?”

Nora pauses on the stone porch in front of his front door, surrounded by ivy that climbs up the walls. Yellow light overhead illuminates her face, making her look so warm and soft. She smiles as she shakes her head at him. “No, it’s okay! I don’t want your charity, John.”

“But-”

“You’re my friend. I’m happy to help you whenever. The only thing I want in return is your friendship.”

He is wrapping his arms around her before he can tell his body not to. It’s tight, desperate, and probably tells her more about his emotional vulnerability than he had ever intended. As he looks down at her in the dim light of his porch he feels like all the moths fluttering around them are contained in his stomach- in his soul, too broken for butterflies.

“Oh-” Nora gives a surprised sound, but she hugs him back tightly. After a moment she presses her face against his chest. He wonders if she can hear his heartbeat.

This is like nothing he’s ever known. His girlfriends hugged him, cuddled with him before, but it never felt like anything. Now, he doesn’t know how to think.

He knows, oh he knows that second that his mind is right. He doesn’t deserve her. He owes it to her not to pursue her like this. He’ll never have her, but that won’t stop him from falling for her. John doesn’t really know what he’s doing, but an instinctual urge takes over him as he finds himself leaning down to her.

Her eyes get wide at his approach, so he stops for a moment. Her fluttering lashes have his heart doing somersaults. John lets his hands to come up and rest on her jaw. She’s so small and his hands are so big in comparison that they cover most of her jaw, the tips of his fingers slipping into her hair.

He closes the gap and rests his forehead against hers, an ancient symbol so dear to his heart that he hasn’t revisited it until this very moment; this is the deepest expression of affection he can offer a person without uttering the four letter word he hasn’t earned and can’t possibly have the capacity to truly feel.

He can feel her so close to him, hovering no more than an inch away, not moving. John doesn’t open his eyes- doesn’t want to be enticed by her parted lips to take this further. She deserves better than that, better than him.

John’s words slip out of his mouth in a low and husky voice “You have no idea how much you mean to me. Thank you, my dearest.”

“John-”

He pulls back quickly before he can give into his temptations. His hand rests on the side of her face for a moment more. His smile is warmer than ever, but quickly turns into something pained.

“Goodnight, Nora.” he says as he scrambles to unlock his front door and hide himself away before she can say anything.

Nora stands on John’s porch a few moments after he leaves. Her brain can’t fully process what happened, but her cheeks are burning furiously. She thought he was going to kiss her, and she couldn’t will herself to stop him. She… wanted it. But instead he just held her there like it wasn’t the most intimate thing she has experienced in years. Hell, that was more intimate than some of the sex she’d had with her last boyfriend.

A shiver runs down her spine at the thought of John, rather than her ex. No- Nope! She’s tired and she needs to get home. None of that nonsense. If she wasn’t friendzoned before, she probably is now.

Still, the look in his eyes haunts her on the silent ride home, music abandoned for scattered thoughts. He looked so desperate, needy, and broken all at the same time. There was shock in his eyes when she said she wanted to be his friend. She thought they were friends for a long time now. Why was that surprising to him? Had no one ever told John Duncan they valued him before?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, sorry about Holly, but she had to go. John never really liked her, anyways. I'm sure she'll find someone better for her. <3


	4. This Tainted Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knooow the last chapter was emotional, and this one is too- it's a little dialogue heavy, but it's important for their relationship. We'll be back to fun and games pretty soon. :)
> 
> As always, your comments are sooo appreciated and so encouraging <3 you're all amazing!

**Just a note: John being left-handed wasn't my idea- I got that from [unclefungusthegoat's Left Handed John Theory](http://unclefungusthegoat.tumblr.com/post/174568410779/a-theory-about-john-seed) on tumblr. (it's really well thought out. I highly recommend reading it!) 

\------

It has only been two days since Nora drove John home from his party and a large box is sitting on the doorstep of her apartment. There’s no sender name, but she knows who it’s from. The list of people who have her address is incredibly short, and John Duncan has been here before. Not to mention his flair for drama gives it away.

She sighs reluctantly, pulling it into her apartment. She lives in a one bedroom apartment in Atlanta. It isn’t terribly close to school, but it’s a good location for her job considering she’s always on call.

The front door opens into her living room where she managed to fit an L shape couch and coffee table with a small TV she got for free from a coworker. Instead of a nook, she has a few bar stools by the counter. The kitchen is why she chose this apartment- lots of cabinets and counter space, at the expense of her bedroom. While small, its large windows make up for it.

She’s decorated the place to make it homey, lots of firefly lights in her bedroom, greys with accents of color throughout the apartment. It’s nothing compared to John’s fucking mansion, though.

Nora’s curiosity gets the best of her, egging her on to open the box. She knows she should just return it as is, but she has to know what’s inside. It’s fucking ridiculous; a gorgeous pair of black leather ankle boots and a matching leather jacket. Each item costs more than almost anything she owns, with the exception of her military sniper rifle and her car, hopefully.

Oh, boy’s making it hard on her to say no, huh? She doesn’t try them on, just stuffs them back in the box. John’s at his office today. She can drop it off at his house when he’s not home.

\--

 **John** 5:00pm  
It’s called a gift.

 **Nora 5:10pm**  
Looks more like bribery.

 **John** 5:12pm  
Should it be, officer?

 **Nora 5:15pm**  
No. I told you. Friendship. I’m not one of your fancy fuckface assholes. You’re not winning me over by trying to impress me with copious amounts of bullshit.  
**Nora** 5:18pm  
And name brand companies exploit children in China and Africa.

It’s not that she doesn’t appreciate his gifts; she does. It’s just that she doesn’t want his money. She knows what he’s doing. He thinks if he does “enough” or acts “just right” he somehow earns her loyalty. She doesn’t want that artificial relationship, though, and she doesn’t feel comfortable taking advantage of his wealth when she could never pay him back.

He doesn’t respond, so she decides to add to it, as if that would send the right message.

 **Nora** 5:30pm  
ANd FrRiEndSHiP!!

 

It isn’t long before there’s a knock at her front door. Upon opening it, she is greeted with John’s irritated face, box in his arms. “Please explain to me what a ‘fuckface asshole’ is.”

He practically let’s himself in, walking past her as she still holds the door open. She sighs before placing a hand on her hip defiantly as she shuts the door behind him. “Someone who has an asshole for a fuckface and pretends money and exploiting the working class makes them a good person.”

He groans in frustration, placing the box in her living room and tugging at his hair. “Why can’t you accept a gift?” The irritation in his voice is growing exponentially. Gifts are fundamental to who John is. This is how he says thank you. No one has ever refused him like this before.

She’s so sassy in her response, so _prideful_. “Friendship is a great gift. Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.”

“Let me pay you back for the burgers at least.” he nearly begs her.

“It was like fifteen bucks, John. I don’t know how poor and lowly you think I am-”

His tone takes on a curt and dark quality instantly. “No.”

“What?”

“No- No, that’s absolutely not it.” Did she really think he thought of her like that? That was the farthest thing from the truth. But he doesn’t know what she wants, how to make her happy or earn her kindness, and it makes him angry, desperate.

“Then what?”

John stops. He pinches the bridge of his nose. He feels dumb, but he says it anyways “I don’t know how to do this.”

Nora’s eyes furrow slightly and her mouth opens moments before words come through, soft, comforting. “Just stop trying.”

He emphasizes each word separately with the addition of hand motions, hoping she can realize what she’s doing to him. “You don’t understand.” Whatever comfort she provided is whisked away as frustration boils up in him.

“Then make me.” She sounds almost as desperate as he is.

“I haven’t stopped trying since my adopted parents-“ John stumbles on his words. Too much info. “Who are you even to- to show up like this and ask for something so horrible!?” he gestures to her with an outstretched arm, raising his voice, but she doesn’t react, just looks patient. He’s mad at her for trying to care about him, and she still doesn’t stop. It forces the truth out of him. “I’m horribly broken, Nora. You have no idea what you would be getting into. Even I hate me.”

Her eyebrows raise slightly, a realization coming over her before her eyes soften. “No, John. I won’t hate you. If there are things you don’t want to tell me, I understand. But I’m not going anywhere just because you think you’re broken. We all are. I’m not going to judge you for anything.” her voice is so soft, so sweet. He can see the kindness in her eyes.

It feels like his whole world is backwards. This isn’t how things normally go. His charm, his wits drag people to their confessions, and he uses it against them. Why is he trusting her? Why has he let any amount of himself show through his facade? How did she know?

John finds himself sitting down on her couch. It feels like his fight has drained out of him. It’s terrifying, but he feels somehow fearless in the moment- a rarity when it comes to his personal history and raw emotions.

“You’re right, okay? I’m a fake. I got all this money from my parents. It’s nothing I deserve or worked for for myself. I’m just some broken soul from Rome, Georgia: America’s pit of poverty and crime. I’ve spent my whole life trying to bury that.” he pauses, collecting his scattered thoughts. No one in Atlanta knows his past. They don’t even know he’s adopted. To them, he’s the rich only child of the perfect parents.

He breathes deep before continuing, trying to put words to his thoughts. it‘s rare for John Duncan to struggle with words, yet these ones feel caught in his throat. “People in this world, they don’t like you for you. They just want stuff, and I’m used to that. But you don’t want stuff. I don’t understand why you would want to be around me. I’m just a poor orphan adopted by the Duncans, split up from my older brothers. My adoptive parents… I had to pretend to be what they wanted or face the consequences. Face the consequences either way, really.”

Her voice is meek as not to push him too far “They hurt you?”

He nods his head, avoiding her eyes. “They thought my soul was tainted.” she looks at him confused. She doesn’t know why? “Don’t you know, left handedness is a sign of the devil?” John spent most of his life with his adoptive parents forcing himself to use his right hand. He’s not good at it, but passable. Even then, he often slips and turns to his left for comfort, but not without that familiar twinge of dread running through his body.

The horrible memory brings a sadistic smile to his face, empty and filled with pain. The fact he even used his left hand in front of Nora before should have made him realize how over his head he is. He glances up to Nora, expecting her pity or horror, instead he sees anger simmering like embers of a fire in her eyes.

“Wha- What?! No- No that’s absolute bullshit! That’s not- no.” Her hands are balled up so tight her knuckles are white, she breathes to regain her thought. That old voice in his head says her sin is _wrath_ , but he pushes it away. “You don’t deserve that. No one deserves that… God… Are they still alive?”

“No.”

“Good.” she mutters by accident, as her eyes shoot up to him in search of his reaction.

He rubs his hand over his beard before nodding “Good.”

There’s fire in her eyes like burning buildings now, given his permission to hate them all she wants. “You realize they’re wrong, right?”

“I try.”

“They’re wrong.” Nora steps closer to him. Her hand floats up like she wants to touch him, but she doesn’t. “They’re so wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you. You deserve love and affection just like everyone else; your dominant hand or your past have nothing to do with that! Fuck, even your present doesn’t.”

John, at a loss for words, stares at her. There’s nothing he can say. He’s never heard words like that before. Never. Never even considered them. Maybe _wrath_ is her sin, but perhaps she had righteous anger, too- some passion in her that makes her care for pathetic things like him.

John is so deep in his thoughts, he almost doesn’t notice when Nora sits next to him and rests her head on his shoulder. It’s almost comical, really, for her to rest on him as if he offered any value or support for her. Still, the closeness and the touch calm his ragged heartbeat and push away the thoughts of the past. He doesn’t know how long they sit there like that before he breaks the silence.

“Do you like your family?” John asks. She’s so close and he feels so vulnerable, her hair tickling his face, their knees touching slightly; it feels more intimate than anything he’s ever experienced before, and that’s terrifying in its own way.

He knows a bit about her family. That she has a bratty younger step sister she can’t stand; parents divorced when she was a teen, her dad was a general in the army. Her mom is remarried now, and he knows she’s not very close with her dad, heard some odd comments here and there, but doesn’t know the whole story.

“I mean, depends.”

“Your dad?”

She lifts her head from his shoulder to look at him when she speaks. As much as he misses the warmth, he wants to see the emotions on her face.

“No, not really. He’s an ass, honestly. Not very nice, overly controlling, never been encouraging. Part of the reason I joined the military was to try and make him proud, and he borderline disowned me when I didn’t make it my career.” John knows all about disappointing one’s parents. He knows what it’s like to try everything to get their approval only to be met with more disdain. Perhaps that’s why she recognized he was wearing a mask; she had done it before. The thought sickens him, conjuring up a strange urge in him to protect her from that misery. “I’m lucky though. He taught me how to shoot. He wasn’t a good father, but at least I can recognize that now.”

“What about your mom?”

“My mom is a lot better. She’s different than me. And we didn’t get along well when I was young, but I still love her.” His inquisitive stare prompts her to explain. “She’s just really… traditional. She wanted me to grow up to be a housewife with five kids, all while my dad wished I was a boy. Clearly, I am neither, so here we are. I am an independent career woman with no boyfriend, a nice manicure, and the ability to kill grown men with my bare hands.”

John laughs heartily at her comment, maybe a little too hard, because she elbows him not after too long. It’s the perfect description of her, really, though. She looks feminine and petite, but he knows better than to doubt her rebellious spirit. No, she wasn’t the housewife type. The Duncans probably would have had aneurysms if he brought Nora home to them.

“Sorry, just imagining you as a housewife.” he starts chuckling again.

“Fuck you, Duncan.” she smiles at him as she says it, erasing any threat the words could offer. Nora’s expression shifts to mischievous before she continues, seemingly debating what she is going to say. “I actually got my tubes tied, so guess that’s really not happening.”

John snorts. He should expect extreme rebellion from her, but he’s still curious why she’d take such drastic measures. “Can I ask why?”

“Other than I don’t want to have kids? And it’s convenient. I really do want to get married one day, but I don’t think family has to mean a white picket fence and 2.5 biological children. I want a husband that thinks that way, too... If I have kids, I want to adopt. There’s lots of kids that need loving homes.”

John nods his head, though he’s still thinking over what she said. He knows enough about her to know she isn’t lying. She really would love an adopted kid like her own… some lost boy like him, maybe. He lets his mind slip for just a moment, considering what his life would have been like if Jacob, Joseph, and him had’ve gone to a family that took them in as their own. He imagines what it would be like to be embraced, no questions asked. He doesn’t even know what that could be like. He hasn’t even been sure that love like that can exist, but somehow Nora makes him question his doubt.

“The world needs more people like you.”

“I’m glad you think so.” she bumps his shoulder with her own, letting silence fall on them before hopping off the couch and heading to her kitchen. He’s confused, but she comes back with two beers in hand. “Have anything to do tonight, Johnny?”

He reaches out for the dark bottle, cold and covered in condensation. A genuine smirk is growing on his face. “Yea, I was thinking about spending the evening with this pretty lady I know.”

Nora huffs as she sits next to him. “Bummer. Was gonna ask you to stay awhile. Hope she’s worth it, though.” She shifts her weight to pull a swiss army knife out of her pocket, but he steals her beer before she finishes.

John rolls his eyes dramatically at her; of course, he meant her. He spends enough time at parties to know how to open bottles without proper openers. He uses the signet ring on his middle finger to pop the cap. Offering the drink back to her.

“Oh, thanks!” when she attempts to grab it, he pulls it away from her.

“Who said it’s for you?” he brings the drink to his lips with a sly smile, taking a slow swig of it, dark and smooth- a chocolate stout with a hint of bitterness at the end. She has good taste. It’s not the typical Georgia style drink. He makes a content noise to exaggerate what she’s missing out on.

She fakes offense, but he can see the joy in her eyes as she reaches for the unopened bottle in his other hand, but he keeps it just out of her reach, forcing her to reach across his body in a futile attempt to capture the desired drink. “You asshole!” Nora begins to giggle, trying to stretch further to get her prize. “Booze thief!! Come on, this isn’t fair.”

“Maybe you should try saying please.” he teases, trying to suppress his own laughter as he pretends he’s in control and the sounds she’s making and the closeness of her body isn’t affecting him.

“Fuck ‘please’!” Nora redirects her efforts, managing to snatch the open beer out of his hand. He expects her to offer a trade, but instead she takes a sip of it herself, defiance burning in her eyes.

There’s an intimacy in sharing drinks, and the thought that she doesn’t seem to mind at all does something weird to his stomach. Maybe it’s wrong that it affects him this much, but he isn’t going to fight her for that drink. He likes the idea of her being willing to share with him, and he likes the idea of her lips touching the same drink as his. It’s close to a kiss, right? Maybe he’s just a creep.

Nora triumphantly settles back into her spot next to him, though their shoulders are still touching. “You play video games much?”

He shakes his head. “Not much.”

“Ohh, we’ll have to change that- unless you need to go find that pretty lady.” she chides.

“Already found her, darling.” He replies. She can’t hide the pink blush on her cheeks.

They spend most of the evening going between playing games and just talking. Nora makes him dinner. Once it's later into the night and they've had a little too much to drink, she convinces John to play Resident Evil. She laughs wickedly every time he jumps or flinches when things surprise him in the game. Though, he doesn't miss the way her hands wrap tightly around his arm a few times. 

When John leaves her apartment, it strikes him how very odd the day had turned. Everything feels backwards and weird and upside down.

He would normally create a contract or threaten blackmail- some form of protection to prevent the information he shared with her from coming back to bite him, but instead he feels a comfort in him he never expected. The information she divulged to him wasn’t scandalous at all, but more intimate than any secret anyone had told him before.

A twinge of triumph runs through him as he drives away, realizing the gift was left in her apartment. He waits a few hours to text her, just so it’s too late for her to bring it back to him.

\--

 **John** 1:00am  
I’m not returning the jacket

 **Nora** 1:30am  
Just found it. Are all lawyers as conniving as you? ;P

 **John** 1:35am  
Only the good ones ;)

 **Nora 1:40am**  
Consider this the only stupidly expensive gift I’m accepting.  
**Nora** 1:42am  
And how the fuck did you know my size?!

 **John** 1:43am  
>:D

 **Nora** 1:45am  
Creep  
**Nora** 1:48am  
You’re terribly wonderful. Thank you, John <3

Nora hates to admit it, but she’s in love with the gifts. She’s left with the warmest feeling in her chest all night, thinking back on the evening as she drifts to sleep. She doesn’t know where their relationship is going; John is complicated and his past doesn’t make it easier. But she’s pretty sure he’s her favorite thing about Atlanta.

Things start to change between Nora and John not long after their conversation; a new bond forms between them. It doesn't end with one conversation. They find themselves coming to each other with each ache and pain they would normally hide from the world.


	5. That Green Demon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you soooo much for the sweet notes, Kudos, and views! Everyone is so amazing in this fandom, seriously. I didn't expect people to like this as much as they have. 
> 
> I wasn't originally planning on it, but I added this chapter last minute because I wanted some less angsty, warm and fuzzy moments. Plus, jealousy can help one realize their feelings. ;)

They’re in the backseat of John’s BMW, bodies pressed together in the heat of the moment. She’s on his lap, straddling him. Her dark hair is tangled in his hands, just the way he always wanted. It’s soft and smells sweet. Her taste is in his mouth, lips colliding in a heated kiss. She lets out a soft moan as his hand runs down her back, further and further until he’s grabbing her ass. She runs her hands over his chest, searching for something to hold onto.

She grinds against him, eliciting a groan of pleasure from him. All he can think about is her beautiful body. How he’s imagined her for the past seven months of their friendship. How desperately he’s wanted her- not just physically, either. He moves to her neck, offering hard kisses and soft bites, earning another jerk of her hips against his.

“Fuck, Nora.” he lets out, breathless and needy. It has been so long, he doesn’t even catch his mistake.

His lips don’t even register the loss of her warmth before he feels the distinct sting, her hand colliding with his face in a sharp slap. “My name is Lindsey, you fucking pig!”

John’s mind comes crashing down to earth at the sight. Chocolate brown hair and hazel eyes stare at him in fury, the name of his best friend still in his mouth. This girl isn’t Nora. No, she’s someone he picked up at the bar. He barely knows her, but damn if she wasn’t the closest thing to Nora he could find- not that he’d admit that.

“Fuck. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean-” It’s a lie and she’s crawling off his lap before he can even finish his sentence. What did she really expect, anyways? They were hooking up in a parking lot! She didn’t think he picked her for a personal attachment, did she?

She’s out the car door before he can stop her, cursing at him and mumbling to herself about bad decisions. He doesn’t feel bad, but he’d be lying more if he said he isn’t in need of a good lay.

Seven months since he met Nora, three months since he dumped Holly. No matter what he thinks in his alone time, John can’t bring himself to try anything with Nora. He knows more how much he doesn’t deserve her the closer he becomes to her. He excommunicated himself from his old social group, and with it left half his easy opportunities for meaningless sex. He’s gone to bars plenty of times, but no one ever catches his eye anymore. This girl was an exception.

All he can think about is Nora, Nora, Nora. Even now, and oh, how that had messed this up. He wants to protect her from himself- spare her from falling in love with a mess up like him, even if that’s all a part of him wants. He thought this could distract him from her. Couldn’t his stupid brain shut up just long enough to get rid of these urges? Who gave her the right to force him to grow a heart after all this time, anyways?

He could go somewhere else in town, find another dark haired pale girl and pretend he likes her, but he knows that won’t work. John sighs defeatedly, glancing down at the _problem_ in his pants. It’s probably better if he goes home and takes care of it himself. Afterall, there are plenty of dark haired women on the internet, and he probably deserves to die alone.

\----

“Nice of you to show up.” John says, leaning back against his sleek black BMW parked in his driveway.

“I’m fashionably late. Traffic was a bitch. You know, all those _Georgian drivers_.” Nora says with a smirk as she approaches John, a small box clutched in her hand. The heels of her boots click on the pavement. Today, April 19th, is John’s birthday. He made the sorry mistake of divulging to her that he never properly celebrated it, spending most his recent birthdays throwing extravagant house parties in which no one knew it was his birthday. Like any good friend, she requested the day of and after off of work and decided to kidnap him for the evening. “I got you something.” she says, wrapping her arms around his shoulders in a tight hug.

John laughs, his arms around her waist, voice low and sweet in her ear. “For me? Why?”

She leans back so she can see him, but keeps her hands on his shoulders. “Mm, someone told me it was your birthday, but whatever. Open it later, though. It’s stupid.” she steps back to offer him the gift.

“You really didn’t have to” he says as she hands him a small box covered in shiny blue wrapping paper. It looks tiny in his hands, but he smiles warmly at it. He slips it into a pocket on the inside of his jacket. “Thank you, Nora.”

“Now, let’s get an Uber.” he raises an eyebrow at her. “Oh, no. You don’t seriously think you’re driving, do you?”

“I was planning to.” he says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, but that’s not how birthday celebrations work.

“Nope. It’s your birthday. You should have the freedom to get drunk if you want to. And if you get drunk, I’m getting drunk.” Nora has a mischievous grin on her face. John might think they’re going to luxe bars and fancy lounges, but she’s planning to get him into a dive bar by midnight even if it kills her. “We’ve never truly been plastered together, afterall!” -though, maybe that’s for the best, she thinks, looking back at him.

She told John to dress casual, but it doesn’t seem possible. He has a leather jacket and black and white V-neck on because he can’t go a day without showing the world his collar bones. His favorite blue pair of aviators hang from the neckline. Even with jeans, his leather boots give away the cost of the outfit. She would get tired of feeling out dressed all the time if she didn’t like the view so much.

Though it's certainly not like she didn't dress up for the occasion. They make a nice pair aesthetically. She's wearing the boots he gave her, black skinny jeans and a black lacey halter crop top that exposes just enough of her midriff to show off the toned muscles of her obliques underneath her grey jacket. 

John smiles at her cockily, that arrogant smirk on his face. And she’s not sure if it’s because he caught her staring at him or because he likes the idea of getting wasted with her.

After an overly expensive dinner at one of John’s regular places, they finally head to the bar Nora had in mind. It might not be what John’s used to, but she wants him to experience the good ‘ol raw atmosphere. It isn’t a particularly dingy bar, just homey.

Strands of yellow lights hang from the ceiling, news clippings, vintage posters, and family photos hang on wood panel walls. Red booths outskirt the room, high tables with barstools scatter the middle, each with mismatch candles in gaudy colored glass holders. Soft indie music plays in the background. It reminds her of the places she used to go in Portland- a little quirky, a little lame, but not trying too hard.

Nora leads John to one of the tall tables for two in a less crowded section of the bar, slipping onto the barstool placed by it. She watches as his eyes roam the room. No fireplaces, dolled up waitresses, or VIP sections. She does love some of the modern bars he normally chooses, but this is a nice break from that.

“What do you think?” she asks as he sits across from her, crooked smile on his face.

“Very cheesy. I like it.” he grins at her.

They get to ordering snacks and drinks, and it isn’t long before they’re engrossed in conversation, the evening filling with laughter and dumb jokes.

-

“-It was such a fucking mess,” John says, shaking his head at the memory. He’s telling Nora about his antics in undergrad. It’s all stupid, but it makes her laugh a lot. “There was a literal dumpster fire!”

“Oh my gosh, I’m amazed you survived long enough to become the responsible adult you are now.” she says sarcastically.

The bartender approaches their table with a beer in hand, light and clear, he places it in front of John. “Oh, I didn’t order anything.” John says, confusion on his face.

The man smiles knowingly. “It’s actually from that table over there.” He gestures to a group of three women at a table across the room behind him, each dressed for a night of clubbing. Fancy dresses, sparkly makeup, unfortunately they remind Nora of Holly. John turns to face them, staring a little too long for Nora’s comfort. He’s probably making bedroom eyes or some bullshit like that.

A twinge of envy runs through her, or something more impulsive because with his back turned she decides to down his gifted beer for him, eyes locked on the women as if she could send threats through her expression alone, daring them to try anything with John. 

Their flirty manner melts into discomfort at the sight of her. Good. They can think he’s taken or at least know they need to back off. Who sends a drink to a man when he’s with someone else, anyways?

By the time John turns back to face Nora, she’s already chugged most of his beer. It's light and tasteless, the kind people only drink to get wasted. She lets the glass hit the table as she sets it down. His face shows a mixture of disbelief and amusement, eyebrows raised at her.

She shrugs in response. “Sorry, birthday boy. It’s shit beer, anyways. Let me buy you something better.”

He pauses a moment, baring a wolfish grin “Well, someone’s a little jealous, hm?

“What, me? No!”

“Right” John says, dragging out the word. He taps on the table with his fingers, contemplating his next step. “So you won’t mind then if I go over there and talk to them.”

“Of course not. You can talk to whoever you want.”

“Marvelous. It’s been awhile, so I’m sure you won’t mind if I head home with one.” John turns in his seat, eyes raking over the group again. He shoots them a toothy grin when a redhead in a cocktail dress waves at him. “Maybe the blond one.” he says cooly, nodding in her direction.

Nora can’t even stop herself from glaring at him with daggers. Even if she feels some sort of relief to hear he hasn’t been with anyone for awhile, that green demon still grows inside of her. She practically spits her response. “Go ahead. It’s your birthday to ruin however you want.” He’s messing with her. She knows it. But it still affects her so much.

It’s not that she’s been holding out for John; she knows their relationship is complicated, and if she has feelings for him, she really doesn’t know if he would ever return them. But she hasn’t met anyone in Georgia that interests her, and she spends all her time with John. Sure, that’s probably why she’s getting territorial with him.

His eyebrows shoot up in mocking surprise. “Ruin? Strong words for someone who’s not jealous.”

Nora glances at the table before laughing to herself slightly. He’s not winning this. She does her best to fake a smile and lighten her voice. “I did notice that guy over there has been staring me up since we got here, so I guess you won’t mind if I go talk to him, since you seem so busy.” There’s a moment of forethought on John’s face, but he doesn’t seem to believe her, expression melting into a haughty stare. It’s like his eyes are daring her to try. She stands up from the table as if she was actually going to go through with it, turning toward the man she mentioned.

John’s reaction is quick; he’s out of his seat and reaching for her wrist, stopping her from going anywhere. “Not fucking happening” he says, darkness dripping from his voice and she can see a hint of panic in his eyes.

She should be irritated at his possessiveness, but she knows it’s a game- maybe one she took too far, but a part of her likes this side of him. They freeze like that for a moment, his hand wrapped around her wrist. There’s something in the way he’s looking at her that makes her feel lost in it. She can feel herself blushing as she rakes her teeth over her bottom lip unconsciously. The sparkle in his eyes is just too bright, gaze burning into her.

“S- Sorry” he stutters, releasing her wrist and breaking the spell. He sits back onto the barstool and runs his hands through his hair, trying to collect his thoughts. “Of course you can talk to whoever you want.” His voice is duller, no longer teasing her.

But she still feels lost in his gravity. Stepping closer to him, she clumsily slings her arms around his shoulders. “Don’t worry, Johnny. I’m all yours tonight.” Nora whispers into his ear. Maybe it’s too intimate, but she wants to make a show. Let those girls eat their hearts out for all she cares. She thinks she hears John’s breath hitch, but she’s retreating before he can react, making her way to the bar.

Ordering the drinks gives her a moment to pull herself together. Okay. She was jealous. But so was he. She pushes the thought down, focusing on the task at hand- booze.

Two whiskeys, one for him and one for her. Hard liquor was more his style. Though, she certainly didn’t order the most expensive drink they offered like he probably would. But she’s trying to get drunk, not broke.

The bartender from before passes the glasses across the bar to her. He has his ears gauged and a few tattoos on his arms, but nothing compared to John. Of course, John does half his own tattoos at home.

“That’s a pretty cute boyfriend you got there. You two make a nice couple.” He says, smiling at Nora softly. “Sorry about the drink thing earlier. We’re obligated to deliver, even if the person is already with someone. I think you handled it well, though.” he chuckles. She imagines he's probably seen worse reactions before.

“Oh, uh. Thanks?” Nora should have corrected him, but the words fell out without a thought. He doesn’t need to know John’s not hers.

When she returns to their table, John looks a little more collected than before. There’s not that same look of unhinged panic or desire in his eyes from before.

“Thank you, officer” he says, reaching out for his whiskey. They clink glasses before drinking. “So, tell me about your wild pre-Georgia adventures.”

Nora laughs heartily “You think I have any?”

John leans forward, intrigued by her resistance. “Oh, everyone does, my dear. Any teenage rebellion? There must be something” he teases, voice almost desperate to find something, too eager.

It makes her laugh again. Yea, maybe she’s still hyper aware of the gaze of the women that were eyeing him, but it helps ease her tension. There are plenty of rebellions, but none like his, and some she doesn't want to bring up right now. “Hm” she ponders for a moment. “I don’t know about that, but I could tell you the first time I brought a boy home to meet my family.”

“Yes! Was it horrible?”

She laughs at his excitement “You want it to be bad? Fuck you, Duncan."

He pushes the topic further, ignoring her complaint. "Well, was it or was it not?"

"Oh, absolutely. I’m scarred for life. My dad actually pulled the whole ‘cleaning his gun’ thing to scare the poor boy.”

John doesn’t stop himself from laughing loudly at her misery. She finds it funny, too, these days. Of course, it wasn’t in the moment. “And did it work?” he asks through his laughter.

Nora snorts “Of course it worked!! He broke up with me the next day!”

“What a shame, really. The guy has no idea what a gem he lost” John says sweetly. His eyes brush over her slowly; the alcohol in his system dulls his sense not to stare. But she doesn’t mind, letting the affection warm her cheeks.

-

John’s good and beyond tipsy late into the night when Nora mentions it’s John’s birthday to the bartender. She knows what’s going to happen; it’s part of why she chose this place. That doesn’t dampen the satisfaction she feels when an ice cream sundae with sparklers is delivered to their table, and John’s eyes light up, big like saucers. It’s one of the few times she sees his ears turn red from blushing, though he tends to do that easier when he drinks. She loves it, sending sparks of fluttering butterflies through her stomach. He’s pretty cute when he’s not an ass, she thinks.

She gets the whole bar to sing him happy birthday off tune with barely any rhythm. He pretends to be embarrassed, but she knows he loves the attention.

When the night has settled down and it’s time to head home, they stand outside the bar waiting for their Uber to arrive. Yellow street lights and neon colors from the businesses around them illuminate the sky. The cool night air feels good, filling her lungs in a way that makes her feel more alive. Still, the chill is a bit much. Nora stands close to John, pressing herself against him until he gets the hint.

He chuckles softly before wrapping an arm around her. “Cold?” he asks.

“Mhm” She takes the chance to slip her arms under his jacket and pull him close. He’s so warm, smelling like booze and the cologne he usually wears. Maybe this would be weird, embracing each other on the street like this, but they’re drunk and it doesn’t matter.

Nora leans her head against his chest. She feels his glasses bump her, still hanging from his V-neck. Hm. She takes them from his shirt and slips them on. She’s always wanted to try these on. They’re heavier than she expected, high quality, she guesses.

She looks up to John to see him watching her, smiling. “Cute.” he says, and it makes her giggle like a stupid teenage girl.

He pulls out his cell phone and switches it into selfie mode so she can see. They’re too big for her, and in the dark the shades make it hard to see, but she does look cute. They take some photos together, staying close with their arms around each other. In the last one he presses his lips to her temple. It’s not a kiss, but it feels as close as she’s going to get.

She snatches his phone to send herself the photos. His phone is much fancier than hers, the newest model of iPhone. Hers is older, but John’s just like that, updating every piece of technology the second something new comes out. He doesn’t seem to care when she swipes through the photos he took- not hiding anything he thinks she might see, then? She likes the last photo they took, setting it to his lock screen when he’s not paying attention to what she’s doing.

When the Uber finally gets there, John makes sure Nora is dropped off first so he doesn’t have to worry about her. He stops her as she moves to step out of the car. He reaches for her face, cradling her cheek in his hand. He leans toward her, and she almost expects him to kiss her. Instead, he presses his forehead to her own, a heartfelt “thank you” whispered before releasing her.

It happens fast, flusters her and sends thoughts scattered through her mind. “Uh- Of course, John... Night?” Did she really just say that as a question? It felt more like an invitation to not end the night, though. Before it registers in her mind, the car door is shut and they’re fading into the distance. Probably for the best. Nora bites her lip viciously as her tired legs drag her up the stairs to her apartment. Why does he have to do these kinds of things to her? Always leaving her wanting more… What does that even mean?!

**Nora 3:45am**

<3 <3 Happy Birthday Johnny

\--

John throws himself face first into the welcoming blankets in front of him. The comfort of his bed is a godsend after the long night, silk sheets enveloping his tired form. He slips his boots off clumsily, letting them fall to the floor of his bedroom. He normally doesn’t wear shoes inside, picky about the cleanliness of the carpet and other superficial things. But tonight, he’s too tired and drunk to think.

Tonight was the first birthday he’s enjoyed since he was a young child. The last time he remembers getting a birthday gift was when he still lived with his big brothers, and they gave him candy, likely swiped from a nearby store. The memory is bittersweet. He sighs quietly, wondering if he’ll ever see them again.

A shift in his position causes a sharp stabbing sensation in his chest. He groans loudly, rolling onto his back to check what just hurt him. Slow hands make their way to his chest pocket, finding the box. He almost forgot Nora’s gift! Pulling it out, his eyes light up again at the sight of the blue wrapping paper. Did she think about him when she chose the color?

He wastes no time, pulling the wrapping paper off the small box. It looks like a jewelry box. Maybe a new earring? He lifts the lid, only to see she wrote on the inside of it. _“To: My Favorite <3 Just something from Portland that reminded me of you.”_

The note makes him smile. Her handwriting is pretty, but not overly neat. She visited Portland over winter break. Did she really plan that far ahead for his birthday? His parents never bought him birthday presents; it was just another insignificant day to them.

Inside the box lays a small metal amulet like a coin with a Latin inscription on it attached to a long leather cord necklace. He immediately sits up from the bed, placing it around his neck. It sits at a perfect length, and the Latin is a bonus. He studied it in school, likes it a lot, even chose it as the language for some of his tattoos- she knows that and it warms his heart even more.

John smiles when he sees the way the gift hangs around his neck. It looks good with this outfit, most of his outfits, he suspects. It’s perfect. She’s perfect. His thumbs drunkenly press messages into his phone for Nora, wishing he could even begin to summarize what she means to him, but he knows he can’t.

**John 4:15am**  
Thank you. Thankk you. AThankyou. I’m never taking this off, babygirl. You;’re perfect <3 <3

He doesn’t even catch the pet name before it’s sent. Yea. She’s definitely going to mock him for that message in the morning. But now, sleep overtakes him, warm and fuzzy feelings bring him to a dreamland more pleasant than he typically faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: I did not have to fake John's drunk texting, as I was too tipsy when I wrote it, anyways!


	6. Money

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. I wasn't kidding when I said this is a slowburn. I hope you enjoy the cuteness in the meantime! Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos. You all are amazing! <3

Another September comes, and with it so does the next semester. John and Nora both will graduate at the end of the school year. John isn’t taking another Psychology class with her until next semester, but even then, they’re nearly inseparable.

Nora finally made some friends at Emory, a few people within her major. They get together regularly, and she even got John to join the group many times for various game nights or trips to the bar. They were quick to welcome him in; she remembers the first time she brought him to an outing with them, and one of the girls tried flirting with him. He was charming as always, but afterward the girl apologized to her, saying John clearly only had eyes for Nora. She’s not so sure that’s true, but she let it go. She’d never admit it, but it did make her blood boil to see another girl trying to get his attention like that.

Tonight the group is having a movie night at Nora’s apartment. John is early, as always, with wine in hand.

“Happy friendiversary,” he exclaims as soon as she opens the door. He pulls her into a hug, despite the wine bottles he’s holding. For someone who rarely initiated touch before, he had become extremely tactile with her, not that she minded. Their friendship had morphed into something else, like they were operating on their own world, so bonded that other people didn’t seem to understand.

“Oh, John. You don’t really think we became friends the day we met. Do you?” she teases him, taking the wine bottles from him.

“I got your number, didn’t I?”

Fair enough. Nora gets to setting up her apartment for the guests that would be there soon. It was just the usual snacks and booze. It was going to be six of them tonight. The usuals were Joanna, Haily, and Gabe. They had recently started bringing a new friend, a man named Bradley, along with them. He seems to like Nora, though the type of ‘like’ she’s unsure about.

It’s not that he’s bad; he is a nice guy and good looking enough, tall and blond. He’s on the swim team and sociable. But Nora doesn’t feel any spark or even connection. She finds him fundamentally boring. Maybe she only likes fucked up guys…

John and her spend the time before they arrive sharing stories about their first day of classes, laughing and bickering as always. Once everyone’s arrived, it becomes a mad dash for good food and better drinks. Nearly everyone is crammed onto her couch except for her as she finishes making the last cocktail. The living room is filled with the laughter of her friends. It’s something that fills her heart with warmth.

Glancing in, she can see John and Gabe are sharing stories about what they did over the summer break. John went flying often, as usual, normally coercing Nora into joining him. She had to work most days over the summer, so they never went far. It makes her smile to see John like this, making friends that genuinely like him. He still puts on a show- he’s never as sincere with anyone as he is with her, but he seems a lot happier.

The truth is, they spent most of their summer together when they weren’t working. Most of John’s hobbies are similar to hers, albeit more extravagant. But they do a lot together, whether that means dragging him hiking, visiting the international markets in Atlanta, or finding random activities around the city. They even go to the shooting range often; she actually let him try her most beloved sniper rifle once. On lazy days they play video games or just chill, reading books or talking endlessly about every stupid thing that comes to mind.

“Do you need any help with that?” Bradley asks her, binging her back to her task. She just finished the last drink.

“Oh, sure, do you want to give one to Gabe and one to Haily?” she says, gesturing to the completed drinks. The last one is hers.

“Oh, yea!” Bradley looks like he wasn’t actually expecting her to say yes, but does so anyways. She’s not far behind him when he takes the last empty seat on the couch- the one next to John. Aka, _her_ seat.

Nora suppresses a frown. The only space left would be pressed up against Bradley on the remaining sliver of couch, and that is something she very much doesn’t want.

“Might be tight, but I’m sure we can all fit,” Bradley says, patting the spot next to him.

Right, because forcing a girl to have physical contact with you is a good way to get her to like you. She’s sure his intentions are innocent enough, but she doesn’t like touching people she’s not close with. Nora glances at John who has a nasty scowl on his face he’s doing nothing to hide. He’s gotten a bit better about being jealous, but he still gets irritated when guys try too hard to get Nora’s affection. He’s protective. She doesn’t mind.

“That’s okay, I’m fine.” she says friendly enough as she kicks John’s feet to make him spread them out. He looks up at her in shock, repositioning like he expects her to sit on his lap. Instead, she sits on the ground, leaning back against the couch between his legs.

Why can she feel him smirking in triumph? She ignores it, opting to text him her complaints instead. Joanna is still messing with the tv to find the movie she wants to watch, anyways.

 **Nora 7:10pm**  
He needs to realize it’s not happening

She includes the emoji rolling its eyes. She can hear John huff to himself quietly. It was like she opened some kind of floodgate that gave him permission to make a point. It’s only a second before he leans down over her to grab her drink out of her hand.

“Mind if I try some, sweetheart?” he says sweetly, speaking as close to her ear as the awkward position allows. She can see the devilish grin on his face, as if he had been wanting to do this the entire time. As fake as it is, it sends shivers down her spine and a pink hue to her face.

“Of course.” she purrs in response, deciding to play along. His hand wraps around hers to take the drink, lingering much longer than needed.

It certainly doesn’t end there. That was just the beginning. Throughout the movie, he lets her rest her head against his knee and spends his time running his fingers through her hair or resting his hand on her shoulder, thumb rubbing her neck.

During a lull in the movie, Nora heads to the kitchen. She really hasn’t been paying attention to what they’re watching anyways.

“Do you want me to pause it for you?” Joanna says when she gets up.

“Oh no, it’s fine. I just wanted to get a glass of wine.” Nora explains.

“That sounds like a good idea” Bradley says, standing to join her.

Motherfucker. Nora rolls her eyes to herself as they walk to the kitchen. He’s not taking the hint very well. She busys herself opening the wine bottle right away.

“So, um” he starts, awkwardly tapping his fingers on the counter. “Are you- I mean…” he stalls.

Nora restrains herself from sighing. ‘Just finish the sentence’ she thinks. Are you single? Are you interested in dating? Are you in love with John Duncan? Is she in love with John Duncan? She shoves that thought back into the dark hole it came from. She’s just irritable and doesn’t want to deal with whatever this is right now. It’s nothing personal.

“I meant, I was wondering if you-” Bradley finally puts together a half sentence only to be interrupted by John.

“Need any help with that, darling?” John says, swooping in to save her. He puts his hand around her waist, his body pressed against her side. He looks at her like she’s the only thing he sees in the room, and his thumb slowly rubbing her side doesn’t help. Does he have to do that? Is it really necessary? Because she feels like her cheeks are on fire and being pale doesn’t do anything to hide a blush.

“I’m fine, Johnny.” She uses the nickname like she’s actually in control of the situation. She feels a little bad for Bradley, who is standing across the counter from her looking dejected and a little scared of John. “Bradley, you wanted a glass?” she says, pushing one toward him.

He takes it, muttering his thanks before retreating. She can hear John snickering in her ear.

She mutters her response so no one else will hear. “Thank you, but don’t you think that was a little excessive?”

“Clearly it wasn’t, since he still tried to ask you out.” His hand is still on her waist and he’s still speaking close enough to her that if anyone glanced over, it would look more like an intimate moment between lovers, rather than friends bickering.

She rolls her eyes at him, pulling away. “Whatever, I think you just like making people feel like you’re the only person I like.”

“Aren’t I, though?”

“Shut up.” She teases, pushing a wine glass into his hand. “If you get sloshed tonight, you’re sleeping on the couch. I’m not sharing my bed with you.”

His mischievous grin says it all. He doesn’t have to say a word for her to know all the teasing accusations that are going through his brain.

They head back to the living room to join the others, returning to their original spots. She could grab a chair from the kitchen, but part of her doesn’t want to. The affection from John is nice, even if it is just to scare away the poor guy her friends are trying to set her up with.

Once the movie finishes, conversation begins to turn to plans for the year, and Nora is asked the one question she has been avoiding.

“Nora, are you applying for graduate school soon?” Joanna asks.

“Oh, um, no.” Everytime John tries to bring it up she answers vaguely so it sounds like she will. It’s no surprise he goes quiet. She can feel his hand stop moving in her hair. “I just figured I would take a year or two off to work, you know? Save up and then go back…”

She feels flustered. Most of her friends aren’t taking time off, some had already been accepted to early admission programs or extravagant internships. In the field of psychology, especially nowadays, Master’s degrees were considered the minimum and expected of everyone. It’s been her dream to become a criminal psychologist for a long time, but she knows that’s not going to happen any time soon without a Master’s degree.

Gage speaks up, saving her from any awkward silence. “That makes sense! I think Ed is doing that, too.”

The conversation shifts away from her, moving to their other classmates and the events and gossip about the semester. Still, she can feel John’s tenseness. She runs a hand over one of his shins before turning to face him, giving him a sheepish grin.

He looks disappointed- not in her, but for her. His eyes communicate everything, big and warm. He wants her to be happy, follow the dream she’s been working so hard for. He reaches out to run his index finger over the bridge of her nose, causing her eyes to flutter closed. Next, he moves his hand to run his thumb over her jaw, just skimming the bottom of her lip. Maybe it’s the alcohol she’s consumed, but the action feels so earnest, so caring.

Bradley asks John something, snapping their attention back to the other people in the room. But the warmth in her cheeks doesn’t fade.

When the conversation slows down and everyone is getting sleepy, they head out. John stays behind as usual, citing the need to help her clean up. Though, there’s barely anything to do.

Nora finishes placing the last dish in the dishwasher, and John finally voices his thoughts. “Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t planning on applying for grad school? I thought that’s what you wanted?” He’s leaning against the wall, thankfully not too close. Maybe she can hide how much the answer actually affects her.

“I know, I’m sorry. I just wasn’t sure yet.” Her GI bill covers 60% of her tuition, based on the time she was deployed. Even with that, she’s looking at $25,000-$30,000 a year for two to three years, and she still has student loans from her BA. She wanted to believe it was doable, but it simply looks impossible to begin grad school now.

John purses his lips before asking his next very pointed question. “What changed your mind?” He always says people are comfortable opening up to him, but she thinks maybe it’s just because of how intensely he asks questions.

“I just… You know,” Nora fidgets, rubbing the pad of her thumb against her middle finger “Emory is expensive.” she says softly.

“Nora-”

She knows what John’s going to say and cuts him off. “No, it’s okay, really.”

“Nora-” his voice is more assertive this time.

“Working will be good for me.” she tries to divert the conversation.

He’s having none of it, raising his voice further, not angry, just desperate to make her listen. “Nora!” He begins to cross the room to approach her.

“I might not even get in!” she says desperately, flinging her arms up for emphasis.

John reaches out, catching her wrists in his hands. His grip is soft, just enough to ground her to him. “I can help you! Just let me pay-”

She doesn’t struggle in his hold, noticing the way his thumbs rub her wrists, trying to calm her, make her see it his way, but she can’t. “No! No fucking way! It’s so much, John.”

“Just part. I can help you.”

“I can’t take that. I can’t.” she shakes her head. She feels bad that he would even have to offer. She’s an adult. She has a job, pays her bills, she’s fine. It was her mistake to go to a private school like this.

His eyes are big and sad and confused. When he nearly whispers his defeat, she can feel the pain in his voice. “But we’re best friends.”

“I know. I know, John. But I will never be able to repay you.” Nora jerks her hands to make him let go and wraps her arms around his neck instead. He’s quick to wrap his arms around her waist tightly. She feels emotional in every way and hopes maybe she can hide some of it and reassure him of their relationship this way. “It means the world to me you’re willing to offer, but I just can’t accept this. Please understand.”

John buries his face in the spot between her neck and shoulder, almost holding her too tight for comfort. “You won’t leave me, will you? For Portland or-” he stops, muffled by her shoulder.

“No! No.” She’s quick to correct him, heart clenching at the sadness in his voice. She has a job here; as long as that stays constant, she’s not going to be moving away. “I’m not going anywhere, no matter what.”

She can hear him release a breath he was holding. His hold on her loosens, seemingly comforted enough by her answer. “Just apply, okay? There’s lots of scholarships and grants out there. You never know what will happen. Just don’t give up on something you’ve wanted for so long.”

Nora moves to press a soft kiss to his cheek slowly, his beard tickling her slightly. Being so close to him, the familiar warmth and smell of him fills her senses. When she finally pulls away, she stares at her feet to avoid his eyes, knowing she probably looked like a blushing flustered mess. “Okay… I’ll try.”

John instantly shift modes, smiling and clasping his hands together in front of him. “Good! You won’t regret this! I can help you, if you need. I have done this before, afterall.”

His excitement makes her smile. She’s looked into the scholarships available and knows nothing is going to help her as much as she needs, but he still gives her hope. Maybe if she could just prove to herself she can do it.

John only leaves when they’ve made plans to start writing her application essay and studying for the GRE. Emory will be the only school she’s applying to, half because she doesn’t expect to be able to do it, and half because application fees are a bitch. This might be more horrible than she expected.

Haily texts Nora that night as she’s still crawling in bed. From the context, she’s assuming it must be about John.

 **Haily 12:05am**  
My god, when’s the wedding already?

 **Nora 12:20am**  
You know it’s not like that. He was just playing it up so Bradley would get a hint.

 **Haily 12:23am**  
A hint is when you mention how you’re too career oriented to date. NOT letting your “best friend” hang all over you all night.  
**Haily 12:25am**  
And don’t tell me you didn’t like it, too. Honestly, why can’t it be “like that”?

It’s complicated. It’s not like it isn’t constantly on her mind, but John honestly doesn’t seem interested in her outside of some strange platonic relationship. He is very touchy and pretty jealous when other men approach her, but she’s always chalked that up to his insecurities about being genuinely liked- always thought maybe he was scared she would replace him. He’s had so many chances to make a move on her and hasn’t tried once. Of course, she could, but she’s too afraid to ruin what they have.

\-----

“I don’t understand how to write this!” she nearly shrieks into John’s living room carpet.

His house is modern inside, but plenty cozy. The carpet is bright white and so soft like no one steps on it at all. Each room is filled with windows that take up most of the outer walls, and each inner wall has beautiful original artwork on it, including a few pieces of his own. A large black leather couch fills his living room, along with a huge TV, but she chose the floor as her workspace.

“You’re a good writer, so it won’t be hard; there’s just a few tricks to it. First of all, they ask for a story- they don’t want a story. Your essay should focus on your academic goals, using your personal experience as support. The rest is just making sure you use the right academic language and a variety of sentence structures.” John says calmly, as if this wasn’t one of the worst experiences of her life.

“I don’t know what my goals are!” she shrieks again.

The GRE, a math and English exam for prospective graduate students, was bad enough. Her math score was not great, but then again, John helped her get it up to a passable point. Without him, she would be surprised if she got any points. This, though? Staring at a blank piece of paper with 500 words to describe why she wanted to become a Criminal Psychologist?

“One of my worse experiences in life was getting stuck in an old elevator in Afghanistan, suspended from the sixth floor of a building. It inspired a lifelong fear of elevators in me, and this is worse.”

John’s laughter calms her down a bit. He bumps her shoulder with his own. He’s wearing that black hoodie she loves so much, and his hair is messy, pieces of his bangs falling out of place around his face. It makes him look softer. “Why don’t you just try writing it like you were emailing me, and we’ll worry about how it sounds after we have the content, hm?”

She nods her head, quickly beginning her letter with “Dear Asshole,”

A few hours of work, much of the time spent getting sidetracked and goofing off, and Nora’s first draft is finished. John is so excited to see how it turned out. He really didn’t have to help her much outside of moral support. It means a lot to him, though, to have her ask him questions and actually value his opinion.

She’s asleep on his living room floor, laptop open in front of her. She was happy to rely on him for the whole process, really. He was so worried about her not accepting his gifts or money, thought it was her pride, but he didn’t realize what she would accept means even more; she doesn’t want stuff, she wants him- well, at least she wants his help and company. Maybe not _him_ him.

John walks quietly to retrieve a thick blanket, draping it softly over her shoulders. He slides the laptop out from under her hand and places a pillow near her. No use in waking her up. She’s too tired to drive home. Plus, he hates to admit it, but he likes the idea of her spending the night.

John sits on the couch, leaning back as he watches her doze. His chest is filled with the warmest feeling he’s ever experienced; it only ever comes around because of her. It isn’t long before he’s dozing off, too. An odd occurrence, considering how he fights to sleep most nights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you learn anything from this fic, I hope it's how to write a university application essay. :'D John's got all the right ideas. Listen to him, guys. It's almost like he was informed by a (semi) expert in the field of teaching English for academic purposes that gives constant workshops on this topic. 
> 
> Um, seriously though, if any of you are applying for scholarships/uni/grad school, I can help you! I love that shit. 
> 
> Or, I mean, oc questions are cool, too...


	7. Gifts From Above

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!! Chapter 7! Thank you for your patience, as this took a bit longer than the others to come out. And thank you everyone for the nice comments and kudos!! You guys are so awesome <3

Christmas comes and goes. Nora stays home this year to save money despite her mom’s complaints. A part of her hopes maybe she can save up enough to pay off most of her student loans only to take out more for graduate school, if she even gets in.

Part of it is something else, though. She knows John doesn’t have anyone for the holidays. As such, he was overly excited to hear she would be staying for Christmas- called it Best Friendmas. They celebrated at his house, listening to Christmas carols endlessly, and exchanging small gifts. And by small, she means only in size, not cost, when it comes to what John bought her- a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings that she had to pretend to be mad about, because holy shit that's a lot of money. But she’s worn them every day since.

John has always drawn in class, and has his own paintings in his house, but he mentioned neglecting his artistic side since beginning law school. So, Nora got him some art supplies and a nice blue leather sketchbook engraved with his initials and the symbol of the scales he has tattooed on his hands. It felt small and measly in comparison with his gift, but the way his eyes lit with warmth told her otherwise.

Today is New Year’s Eve, and he has yet again roped her into an elaborate celebration. Nora swears it never gets old for John; He takes any excuse to do something out of the ordinary. Of course, that meant buying oversized and most definitely illegal fireworks, as if they couldn’t just watch the display put on by the city. He has been trying to get it to work for at least ten minutes now, and each second that goes by is a second closer to disaster in Nora’s eyes.

“Don’t burn yourself.”

“I’m not going to.” John replies coolly, though she has no confidence in his answer.

“Maybe don’t hold it when you’re lighting it, then.” Nora says, knowing he’s not going to listen.

“It’s fine!”

John is standing on his lawn, haphazardly gripping the firework in his hand, trying to get his lighter to work. He began by trying to do it the proper way, stuck in the ground, but it just isn’t lighting. Nora can barely watch, but also can’t look away. It’s dumb. This is dumb. Where did he even get these things? His lighter’s flame shifts a little too close to the base of the wick, causing the likely faulty contraband to catch on fire instantly, shooting sparks everywhere.

It isn’t the full explosion that would result in properly lighting a firework, and John is fortunate for that. But it’s enough to frighten him.

“Motherfucker!!” John yelps, dropping the explosive while jumping away from the sparks, quiet sizzling noises diffusing as it hits the ground. He’s about as graceful as a newborn giraffe, stumbling backwards in shock. His heel catches on the ground, sending him ass first into the grass, sprawled across the lawn.

Nora has to sit down she’s laughing so hard. His fingers are singed, and his ego is damaged, but John is otherwise fine. But the expression on his face...

“Johnny- Oh my gosh. I warned you!” She spits out between laughter. Actual tears might be forming in her eyes.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying my misery!” He complains, still on his back, but she can hear him begin to laugh as well.

“Oh my gosh” she repeats, laughter slowing. “Come here, Johnny. Let me see.”

He sits up, but protests anyways “I’m injured! I’m not moving!”

“You’re such a baby.” she teases, getting up to move to him. She sits on the grass next to him, pulling his hand closer to her so that she can inspect it. His fingers are red, maybe a little tender, but certainly not burnt. “What? Do you want me to kiss it for you, too?”

“Maybe!”

She ignores the comment, though the thought of it doesn’t sound so bad. “Didn’t anyone tell you not to play with fire?”

“No!” Probably the opposite, she thinks. “When I was really young, one year Jacob brought fireworks home for us on the Fourth of July. I don’t remember him burning himself like this, though...” Right, because a kid probably has more sense about this than John, honestly.

Every time he mentions his brothers, she wants to ask more, but there’s always a hint of sorrow in his eyes, no matter how joyful the memory. “He’s a good brother, huh?” How do you even ask that kind of thing? Do you say it in past tense or present? Surely, he’s still out there somewhere.

“Yea, he really was.” John says nostalgically, glancing to the side as if he could see the old memories themselves. “He always protected me no matter what, even if I didn’t deserve it. I always thought of that when....” He trails off, voice is meek and distant recalling the memories.

Nora doesn’t know what to say. She knows how much it hurts him to not know what happened to his family, to be alone after all of this. But words escape her. Instead, she pulls his hand to her, pressing her lips softly against the damaged pads of his fingers in the kiss he asked for. She watches as his face melts from troubled to something sweeter, bright eyes fixed on her.

“Thanks.” he says softly, a near whisper. “...I think I could go for some s’mores now.”

Though it’s winter, the air isn’t frigid tonight. They light the fire pit in his backyard. Well, Nora does because she doesn’t trust John to be around fire again. He sets up two chairs close together for them, gathering marshmallows, chocolate, graham crackers, and roasting sticks for their evening.

John pokes burning embers with the metal roasting stick, disturbing them and sending pieces of ash and sparks into the air. The smell is sweet and familiar, comforting like the feeling of curling up with a cup of tea after a long cold day. Nevermind that the smell will surely seep into his clothes and hair, saturating them long after the fire burns out.

Hazy smoke tinted blue lifts from the fire in front of them, filling the air as silence falls over the pair. It’s comfortable. Always is with Nora. Being around her is one of the only times John ever feels like he doesn’t have to live up to some lofty expectations. A large part of him dreads graduation for it, when he will have to transition to working full time at the company his parents built on lies and deceit, and that he played along with for so many years.

Nora watches the fire intently, rotating the marshmallow on her roasting fork, patiently marinating it in the flames to create the perfect dusting of golden brown around it. John can’t help but stare at her, the way embers reflect in her eyes, entranced by the beauty of it; her eyes always do remind him of embers, warm and always burning with something, be it passion, curiosity, or something else.

“When did you decide you wanted to be a criminal psychologist?” he says, the thought forcing its way into his mind as he ponders his own career decisions.

She hums thoughtfully before replying “When I decided military life wasn’t for me.”

“And what prompted that?” he asks.

She doesn’t talk in detail about her time in the military often. She has shared a few stories with him before, mostly things that made her laugh and only a few that bothered her. They’re more than familiar with each other’s struggles with their pasts, things that haunt them in their sleep and keep them awake at night and anxious during the days from time to time. He knows enough about the situations where she was deployed to know what to expect, but she doesn’t share a lot of details. She might not be allowed to, legally speaking.

“You know, I’m not against violence, but I just felt like I couldn’t make a difference that way.”

It’s not the answer he’s looking for. He knows all this. He wants specifics. “Right, I read your application. But why criminal psychology? Why this, really, for the rest of your life?”

Nora glances at him knowingly, that cute teasing smile on her face, one eyebrow raised. He can practically hear her thinking ‘really, John?’ at his pushiness. “Fine. I just wanted to find a way to help people without killing all the time. I want to protect people from all the bad and horrible things in this world. I know it sounds stupid…”

“It’s not.”

“There’s a lot of fucked up shit out there- not just overseas. Here, too. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen the police catch up to the criminals just too late to save someone.” Nora bites her lip, flipping the marshmallow again before looking at John. “I figure as a profiler, or at least a consultant, I can prevent more people from getting hurt, maybe even help criminals find the help they need, too.”

“Do you think everyone deserves a second chance?”

“Hypothetically, sure. Realistically, though? Hell no.”

John begins to laugh. It’s a dark subject, but he can’t help but chuckle at her response. That’s his Nora. There’s something so pure about her and so dangerous at the same time. He can never fully grasp the dichotomy of her chaos.

“Hey! Don’t laugh at me, asshole. I just mean that I think a very rare small amount of people will never become better. There’s just certain things I can’t forgive. That’s all.” despite her insults, he can see the smile growing on her face.

“No- I agree with you. You’re just the kindest person I’ve ever met, but I’m truly afraid to cross you.”

“You should be.” she mutters before pulling back her marshmallow to put together her smore. With one hand on the roasting fork, she struggles to grab both the graham crackers and chocolate. John leans forward to help her. Placing the chocolate in place before holding out the crackers for her to place the marshmallow in.

“Thanks” she smiles at him sweetly, placing the marshmallow on the spread so that he can pull it off the fork for her. “What about you, lawyer boy? Why law?”

Nora reaches for the s’more when he’s finished helping her construct it, but John has other ideas. There’s a glint of recognition in her eyes as a devilish grin takes its place on his face. He quickly nabs a bite of it before she can react. She should be used to it by now. He’s filled with a prideful sense of triumph at the taste of it, sweet and cooked perfectly, the pouting glare on her face only making it better.

“Hey!” she protests.

He hands her what’s left reluctantly. “You make them better than me!”

She sighs irritably. “Whatever. Just answer the question- you decide on law because it was the only career choice that would force an entire room of people to listen to the sound of your voice for that long?” she teases before taking a large bite of her remaining dessert.

The insult is a little too realistic, making them both laugh, John a little too loudly. “Oh, darling. Did I say you were kind? I take it back.”

The truth about his career isn’t as inspiring or wholesome as hers. She smiles at him reassuringly, half a s’more still in hand, chocolate dripping onto her fingers. She kicks off her shoes, warming her feet by the fire. Her socks have cats on them; it’s cute, and he finds his thoughts wandering to the feelings of endearment she always brings up in him. He leans down to gently grab her ankles. She doesn’t resist as he pulls her feet up to rest on his lap, turning in her seat to face him. They’re already sitting close enough that her legs easily drape over his own. He has to resist the urge to run his hand up and down her legs, instead resting them comfortably on her shins. Her legs are so small in comparison to his hands...

“It wasn’t much of a decision, to be honest.” he finally says. “You know my parents owned the law firm. It was always assumed I would take over it for them. They decided Emory was where I would study, too.”

She hums understandingly “So, they didn’t try to send you off somewhere even more ridiculous like Stanford?”

He chuckles at the idea. “No, that’s too far away. It’d make it too hard to control me that way.” His eyes shift from the campfire to Nora, trying to shake off the memory. He wants to share, it just brings up old memories he’d also like to forget. There is something freeing about this, though, with her.

“Well, I guess they did one good thing, keeping you around here so I could meet you.”

It’s sweet and brings a fluttering feeling to his stomach from the affection. He’s still getting used to that. Some days it’s harder to believe than others, but she offers a sort of reassurance he never expected before.

He watches as she licks the remaining bit of melted chocolate from her fingertips; he can feel his face turning red in a fiery heat that has nothing to do with the flames in front of him. Instinctively, his hand tightens on her leg, willing himself not to react. He silently curses for putting himself in this position and all of the dirty thoughts his brain conjures up with the sight of her mouth like that.

“John?” She says curiously. He’s been staring for too long. Shit! He panics, feeling his heart rate increase as he tries to redirect his mind to anything else.

“I- uh- I was just thinking.” He stutters, at a loss for a good explanation. “I’m glad, I met you.”

She smirks at him, and he braces himself for her mockery of his sudden lapse of judgement, but instead she replies sweetly, "Me too. You're the most tolerable person I know."

\--------

“Hello, I’m calling to request adoption records from your agency.”

“Right, I’ll have to patch you over to the records department. Please hold.” An unamused voice replies.

Nora’s fingers impatiently tap on the cold metal desk in front of her. Bleak white office walls surround her under fluorescent lighting at her workplace. The ancient computer in front of her failed to provide the information she was searching for; she could slip onto the police database and search ‘Joseph Seed’ or ‘Jacob Seed’, but that’s illegal without reason, and the Atlanta department does not seem like it lets those kinds of things slide. Instead, she’s been spending her breaks googling them to see if anything comes up. Nothing has, but maybe that’s a good thing. Being on the news is typically bad.

She was able to use some of the less restricted databases available to search Rome, Georgia orphanages in the past. She could’ve asked John about that, but she doesn’t want to bother him with it.

She sighs heavily, the hold music still playing on the phone. John knows plenty of people in law enforcement. She’s sure he’s had them search for his siblings before, but that doesn’t stop her from trying. They seem to be on his mind a lot lately. If she could just find out if they were even alive, maybe that would help him.

“Hello? You were calling about retrieving records from us?” The polite voice of a woman on the other end of the phone finally speaks up.

“Hi! Yes. My… husband was adopted through the Rome Adoption Agency. We are searching for his siblings.” Nora fibs. She knows she’s not legally supposed to have this information without John’s explicit permission, but if she’s family, that’s fine, right? Even if it’s fake family.

“Right.” The voice says before a long silence. She doesn’t seem to be playing along well...

“So, um, I can give you the name of his siblings?” Nora responds,

She hears papers shuffling on the other end of the phone. “When was your husband adopted?”

“Um,” that’s a good question. He was, what, around seven or eight… “nineteen or twenty years ago.”

“Oh.” Oh? “Those records aren’t all available.” There’s a sudden shift in the woman’s voice. Nora can tell it’s become tense.

“Well, can you check?” She asks, knowing it will do little good.

A heavy sigh before the woman replies again. “What’s his name?”

“It was John Seed, before.”

Her answer is almost instant, giving no time to indicate she even tried. “Nope. Doesn’t look like we have that info.”

“Are you sure? Please, just double check.” Nora covers her face with the palm of her hand. Another dead end, really? How can two people just disappear off the face of the planet?! In Georgia!!

“I’m sure. Sorry about that!” The phone clicks and Nora is met with silence. She groans loudly in frustration. How absolutely useless was that! When she glances up, she sees her coworker, James, looking at her across from his desk.

“Didn’t know you were married, Williams.” He says, eyebrows raised at her an accusational stare.

She can’t stop her embarrassment, avoiding his eyes. “I’m not.”

“Look, none of my business if you’re tryin’a pull illegal shit on your lunch break, but ya know you ain’t gonna find nothin’ from any orphanage in Rome, right?”

“I- no?”

“Twenty years ago, Rome was the fuckin’ dump of the dumps. If the people you’re lookin’ for even had records issued, they’re lost. Them orphanages got a bad rap. Had to redo the whole system. They did a whole lotta illegal shit. Child abuse, givin’ kids away to folks that don’t pass the background checks. Some of ‘em even altered legal documents for those folks that wanted to pretend the kids their own. If you’re tryin’a find someone, you ain’t gonna find them that way.”

Mother.

Fucker.

\------

It’s mid March, a bit into their last semester together at Emory, and Nora hates to admit it, but she has been checking her mail incessantly. Every day she walks into Psych 350: Behavior Modification, John is waiting for her expectedly. Though, technically this class has very little that is applicable to his degree, he managed to convince his supervisor it was an important elective. In reality, he just wanted his last semester to have one class with Nora.

She doesn’t know how many times she had to fuss at him for asking if she’s gotten a letter from Emory yet. Eventually he stopped verbalizing it, but he can’t hide his curious stare. Today is no different.

“Wipe that look off your face, John.” she hasn’t even sat down and he’s already looking anxious for an answer. “I haven’t even checked my mail yet today.” she did. The mail isn’t delivered until 4pm, but she did.

“I didn’t say anything.” he feigns innocence. It’s sweet, really, but she’s afraid his excitement is going to make the rejection worse.

In class today they are discussing self help methods of behavioral altercation. The professor asks them to discuss in groups of two or three things that they had to change in their lives- bad habits, etc. But John and Nora normally take the discussions to extremes, they’ve become so used to opening up to each other.

“I had to quit drugs so many times.” John laughs at himself as if it isn’t a painful memory, he tends to do that though. “I’d just shift from one to the other. I tried a million things. It doesn’t work unless you actually have something that really makes you want to quit. At least, that was my experience.” he stares at her a little too intently, his eyes searching her own for a moment too long before he shifts to the next question. “Have you ever done drugs, officer? Little pot in high school? Anything?” His blue eyes light up with curiosity as he leans toward her.

She laughs at his eagerness. “No- No, I never did.” he looks disappointed, as if he was hoping for some great bad decision stories. “My dad actually drug tested us like all the time when I was growing up just to make a point. Then, of course there’s the military and police force. I never really got a chance for that kind of rebellion.”

“Hm, probably for the best you didn’t. Though, I have to admit I was hoping for a good story.”

-

Nora scoffs at herself upon getting home. It’s only 3:30pm, the mail probably hasn’t been delivered yet and she’s foolish for even hoping, yet her legs are carrying her to the mailroom. This March is particularly rainy, the sound of water drops hitting the roof and windows is loud and the air is crisp. There’s a loud squeak when she opens the small rusty mail slot assigned to her.

She can’t help but hold her breath when she feels a set of envelopes inside, all about the same size. She can feel her heart rate increasing, anxiety going up each day that passes by with no response. Instead of looking at them in the mailroom, she rushes back to her apartment, unknown mail clutched in hand.

Okay. Nora breathes in deeply. This is stupid. It might not even be here yet. She’s standing in the middle of her kitchen looking like a piece of paper will determine her life. She glances down reluctantly; the first envelope is from her cell phone company, big surprise. The second is junkmail. The third nearly falls out of her hand when she sees ‘Emory University’ printed in large front on it.

Her mind is racing and her heart feels like it’s going to pop out of her chest. And she hasn’t even opened it yet!!

She fumbles with her phone using her left hand, clutching the letter in her right with disbelief. Despite shaking fingers, she manages to dial the number she wants and hears the phone ringing on the other end. It’s only two rings before she hears his voice.

“I have to take this, I’m sure you understand.” she can hear John say to someone, likely at work. “Hey, Darling, what’s up?” definitely at work- he always uses pet names when they talk at the office so people will think it’s something important with his wife or partner. They seem to respect that more than dropping everything for a best friend.

Nora doesn’t know what to say, forcing words out. “I- I got the letter?”

Suddenly, his voice is filled with excitement as well. “What does it say? Did you open it yet?”

“No! I don’t know if I can!” she admits. She slowly lowers herself to sit on the ground, staring at the paper.

“Open it! Open it!!” he says with too much vigor to be in a law firm. She can just imagine his peers and coworkers staring at him like he’s crazy.

“I- uh, okay, okay” Nora uses her shoulder to press the phone to her ear while trying to slide the paper open with her hands. She can’t quite open it the traditional way, and ends up ripping the envelope in half- letter inside safely intact. That’s all that matters.

‘Whatever it says, it’s going to be fine.” John says, noticing her silence. “I’m so proud of you for doing this.”

She opens the trifold and tries to read it. There’s three paragraphs of words, and her brain can barely comprehend them. “ _Congratulations_!” is marked clearly at the top. She’s able to skim until she finds the confirmation for acceptance.

“I-” she begins, excitement colliding with the cold realization that she still can’t go. Before she can finish, the second page slips out of her hand and onto the floor.

“You what?” John says, more patient than she expected him to be.

She reaches for the stray paper, turning it over to inspect it- likely instructions on how to accept or deny the school’s offer. “ _Congratulations_!” again at the top. This page is nearly empty, an overview of the costs.

 **Annual** **Tuition** : $60,000.00  
**GI** **Bill** **coverage** : $36,000.00  
**Due** : $24,000.00

That’s what she thought. Too much. Her eyes drift down farther to another note

_“You have been awarded an annual Psychology Master’s Grant of $23,364.89”_

Below it explains that the grant will give her that exact amount of funding each year until she graduates. It goes on about how rare and special the grant is for exceptional students only, but she can’t process any of it. It’s like all she can hear is her heartbeat. It feels like a dream. Nora pulls her knees up to her chest to rest her head on them, teetering between crying and jumping with joy. It just doesn’t feel real.

Finally, she hears John again. “Nora? Nora, sweetheart?”

“I- I got a grant.” she whispers into the phone, as if saying it louder would break the magical spell that had caused it in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: A lot of graduate programs actually do award grants that aren't advertised on their websites! They're just a nice surprise for random things like being an international student, or "academic excellence". :) I wonder what Nora's is for...
> 
> Also, just a warning, the next few chapters might be a little bit slower to be uploaded (at least one a week, I think) since my classes are getting pretty busy with lots of papers and presentations due this month.


	8. In the Clouds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the nice comments and kudos. You guys give me life. Seriously. I love these idiots so much, and It's so great to hear some of you guys enjoy them, too. And thank you for being patient as chapters are taking a little bit longer right now. I'm so excited for the next one, though. :D

The air is humid and sticky, heat gathering in the lungs of each unfortunate soul that lives in Georgia. At least, that’s how Nora feels. John seems to handle it better than her, but she’s nearly dying every day. He develops a nice tan, while she slathers on sunscreen after each breakfast, lunch, and dinner to keep from turning into a burnt tomato. On the bright side, the city is filled with lush, green trees, much more vibrant than she expected it to be. On the downside, the evenings are also filled with the ceaseless screeches of oversized cicadas, so loud and unnerving that they become impossible to ignore like the horrible static of a TV tuned to the wrong chanel.

However, on this particular day, birds are singing gloriously in the trees above. The moisture in the air still holds a small chill in the early morning hours, giving her some relief. Today is July 23rd- Nora’s twenty fifth birthday, and John has devised something for them. Weeks beforehand, he demanded she request the day off from work. She figured he would want to spend it venturing around town like last year. She should have known better, though.

John won’t wipe the toothy grin off his face as he loads up his personal cessna, a black and white two seater of the highest quality. Of course, even in Atlanta, Georgia, John Duncan had managed to have a small airstrip built next to his home. Though, Nora can’t complain too much; she really does enjoy flying with him. This will be the first time they take a proper trip in it, though. Thankfully, he’s a safer pilot than he is a driver.

“Alright, that should be everything.” he says, throwing a bag in the back. She can’t help but notice how his arms flex in the white striped tank top he’s wearing- the type that’s perfect for the beach, not too tight, but showing off just enough. “Ready, my dear?”

She pries her eyes away as he turns to her. “You know, you could have just bought me a bottle of wine and called it good.” she teases, though she certainly wouldn’t turn down this trip. John’s learned how to get away with treating her to luxurious things; she doesn’t like accepting expensive gifts, but she never says no to doing something with him.

“Oh, but what’s the fun in that?”

Nora tries to roll her eyes at him, but she can’t help but smile. She’s practically giddy, not even sure where they’re going. He can tell, too, giving her a cocky smirk as he gets in the pilot’s seat. She’s quick to follow into the backseat.

“Maybe if you’re nice, I’ll let you fly us home.” he teases, leaning forward to check the last few things on the dash. From this angle behind him and with the way the tank top exposes more of him, she can’t help but stare. Her eyes trail over his arms, over the defined muscles from hours spent in the gym, and shift to his shoulders where her eyes freeze. Thin white lines stick out of his shirt, one larger one wrapping up the back of his shoulder. Most are covered, but some show around the neckline of his shirt, alluding to the majority of his scars being hidden under the tank top. She’s seen whip scars a few times in domestic abuse situations, but normally it was just one or two. His are faint, only small lines on his skin, but she knows there are many.

Nora can feel her blood go cold at the sight. She’s heard how bad the Duncans were. She should’ve expected this, but the actual visual is hard to bare, even with the limited sight. It makes her sullen and resentful for their very existence, knowing at least half of those were likely self inflicted at his parents’ demand.

She finds it unlikely he doesn’t realize his scars are showing. He never leaves the house without thoroughly inspecting his appearance, and this is the first time she’s seen him wear a tank top. The knowledge he made some decision, conscious or not, to trust her with this part of him touches her deeply.

John must notice her sudden silence, turning to her. “Everything okay?”

Nora leans forward against his backrest to wrap her arms around his shoulders from behind. She wishes she could take all the pain away from him, but at the very least she wants him to know how…  _cared for_ he is. “You’re the best in the world, John.”

He laughs loudly in response, but his hand comes up to grasp her arm, nonetheless. “Maybe you should wait until we get there before you thank me.”

“Come on, I’m trying to be serious!” she scoffs. “I’m really thankful I have you- fancy trips or not.”

“Even if I take you to the worst place in America?”

There are plenty of places that he could be referring to, but Nora chooses the hottest one, as the idea of a place even warmer than Georgia in July sounds like actual hell on earth to her. “If you take me to Louisiana, I will give a nice speech at your funeral.”

They laugh before John pulls the back of her hand to his lips in a quick peck, a silent thank you, even if he isn’t willing to accept her kind words. His lips are soft, and his beard tickles her hand, the affectionate gesture filling her cheeks with a burning heat and her stomach with herds of butterflies. “Let’s get going, hm?” he says.

Nora sits back in her seat, buckling up for their mystery flight, eager to get her mind on something else. They’re able to easily converse through headsets for the two and a half hour duration of the flight. It’s easy and relaxing, much cooler in the air than it had been on the ground.

The city of Atlanta, with its skyscrapers and industrial blocks, fades into the distance only to be replaced with vibrant trees and bodies of water. Farmland scatters their route, never crossing a city quite as big as Atlanta. When they get closer to their destination, Nora can see the ocean in the distance, greeted by one of the longest sand beach she has ever seen. She knows they’re going north east, but she isn’t familiar with the cities or state limits around here.

It isn’t until after the plane has landed and they take a taxi to their destination that she finds out they are in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Stepping out of the car and almost directly onto the beach, Nora can’t believe her eyes. She walks clumsily onto the sand without a word, John standing back to watch her. She doesn’t even know where to look, really. There are towering pastel buildings in both directions, each decorated in tropical colors. A ways down from them she can spot the edge of a large ferris wheel facing the ocean. The water is a gorgeous greenish blue. Then there’s the sand. It’s so white and soft, nothing like she experienced before.

Nora is thankful she dressed appropriately, though if she didn’t, she’s sure John would be more than happy to buy her a new outfit. She has a flowy cream halter tank tucked into the front of her jean shorts with layered gold necklaces and brown leather sandals. It’s easy to slip off her shoes and bury her feet in the sand, reveling in the sensation. It’s hot, but doesn’t burn her feet.

The Oregon coast is mostly rocky. Though it appears to have dark and dull sand, the grit is large and cold, offering little comfort. In Afghanistan, the sand is more saturated and nothing for luxury; it heats to imbarable temperatures, so much so that even military dogs wear shoes. This might be a tourist town for most, but for Nora, it’s practically magical.

“Johnny” she says, awestruck and wide eyed. “It’s so beautiful.”

John laughs quietly, and she’s suddenly aware that his eyes have not drifted from her since they arrived. He looks at her so fondly, warmth pooling in his blue eyes- they really put the ocean to shame. “I’m glad you like it.” he says, stepping toward her.

Nora wraps her arms around him again in a quick hug. “Thank you so much!”

They waste no time exploring the slice of southern paradise laid in front of them. John has researched the place well, having been there only once before on his own. They enjoy a beachside breakfast, eat copious amounts of ice cream, and attend other attractions. Nora takes as many pictures as possible, which is fine with John, but he prefers to take pictures of them more than the scenery. The only difficult part of selfies with him is the gratuitous amount of time he takes to fix his hair, but at least it gives her something to tease him about.

Closer to sunset, they finally make their way to the large ferris wheel outlooking the ocean. The two stand side by side in the small cab, much cooler than the outside air. The wheel slowly makes its way around, pausing in each position before moving again and bringing them closer to the top. It’s relaxing to be still and watch the scenery after wandering around so much, and the view is absolutely breathtaking; smears of orange and red paint the sky over indego waters below.

After a few moments of appreciation, John finally speaks up. “Are you excited to start school again?”

“Of course! What’s more fun than studying?” Nora chides. He gives her a skeptical look. “Won’t be the same without you, though.”

That makes John smile. “Just don’t replace me, hm?” he says.

“Oh, that’s impossible. No one will put up with my shit like you do.” Nora admits. Of course, that’s only part of it.

“Isn’t that the truth. You’re going to do great, though.”

She smiles at him warmly.

After a beat of silence, John’s eyes trail down to see the scar on her arm, a faint white line, thick, but not from a deep injury. He reaches out to brush over it with his thumb humming softly. “What’s this from?”

“Oh, I got shot.” she says casually, though it does little to convince John.

“What?!”

“I mean, when I was deployed- I know you’re not a fan of Portland, but it isn’t that bad.” she teases. It’s not a horrible memory. Honestly, she forgets about it often. The scar is fairly small, and it was so superficial that no lasting damage was left behind. “It really was just a graze- nothing bad.”

“Right, of course.” His hand stays on her arm, running his thumb up and down the faint white mark that was left behind. He’s gentle and ponders it carefully. “It’s...pretty.” he says softly.

“Thanks.”

When John lets go of her arm, his hand absentmindedly migrates to rub the back of his shoulder where she saw the larger mark before. Nora watches him curiously without a word, their eyes locking for a moment. Nora can almost see John’s thought process, pursed lips and thoughtful lines where his eyebrows pull together. He looks at her inquisitively before shifting to expose the back of his shoulder to her. “I think this is the worst one I have.”

“Can I?” Nora says, raising her hand to the spot.

John nods in response “Of course”

She runs her finger over the mark gingerly, noticing the way his shoulders tense slightly under her touch. The scar is almost smooth, only barely able to be felt under her finger tips. She never minded scars much, but his have more meaning. Nora’s was inflicted at the hand of a stranger, so far away she never saw their face or knew their name. His situation is so vastly different. But still, it serves as a reminder of something he overcame, and there’s something she likes about that. “It’s pretty, too.”

John chuckles, turning to look at her. “Got a thing for scars, Williams?”

“What? No!” kind of. “You started it, jackass.” John laughs wickedly at her reaction. Why does he have to enjoy getting her flustered so much?

“Sure” he teases, drawing it out in that mocking sing songy voice of his.

“See if I ever call you pretty again.” she mutters defensively, pointedly stepping as far away from him as she can in the cramped cab, resting her back against the cool glass wall.

John’s eyes light up at her comment, zoning in on her slip of tongue. “Oh, you think I’m pretty?” He closes in on her, invading her space so that she’s forced to look at him, those attentive eyes searching her for a reaction.

John props his hand up on the wall, caging her in like they do in the movies when guys give cheesy pick up lines, and foolish women actually fall for it. Nora knows he’s teasing her, mocking the gesture, trying to frustrate her, but _damn_ if it doesn’t get to her. Maybe it’s the summer air, but she’s suddenly feeling far too warm.

“I didn’t say that!” she corrects him, crossing her arms as if it would give them some distance.

“It’s okay. I think you’re pretty.” John says sweetly, reaching out and running his index finger over the bridge of her nose gently. Nora doesn’t really have a response; it’s not the first time he’s said something like that, but with their proximity like this, she feels more frazled than usual.

Seeing her blush gives John a mischievous grin, like he won some kind of prize, his sadistic little heart enjoying her frustration. It’s just a game to him, but doesn’t he realize it actually affects her?

She sighs at him irritably, mustering up her best glare. “You’re the worst.” the insult is half hearted, and earns her more mocking laughter from John. She wants to glare at him, but he makes her smile anyways.

John steps back, sitting on the bench and motioning for her to join him, cocky smile still on his face and sarcastic playfulness in his voice “Ouch. The worst? Do you hate me?”

She reluctantly joins him, bumping his shoulder with hers when she sits down. “No.” there’s no more boldness in her voice, accepting the truth. “I could never hate you, Johnny.”

John throws his arm around her shoulders, pulling her a little closer. “I know” It’s less flirtatious than before, more like his usual forms of affection. But when he looks at her, his eyes are filled with a softness that contrasts his earlier gloating; it’s sincere and thoughtful, and it makes Nora wonder if he’s really _known_ that about many people before.

-

When the sun sets, John and Nora decide on a little bar by the beach for their dinner, burgers and drinks, nothing too fancy. Though, of course John opted for a non-alcoholic option, considering they would be flying back soon. The atmosphere is fairly tacky, trying to capitalize on the essentialization of the not so nearby tropics through neon flower lights hanging from the ceiling and other themed decorations carelessly littered throughout the room. It’s atrocious, but it’s funny and touristy, and Nora enjoys making fun of places like this.

John couldn’t be happier today; it was amazing to watch her experience so many things for the first time here, and it has been a long time since they took a proper day off to go on an adventure. She keeps mentioning how beautiful the scenery is, but he feels like it can’t compare to her. Even now, in this stupid dimly lit bar, he can’t keep his eyes off her, especially her legs in those stupid shorts. John scolds himself, but that just means redirecting his mind to a different part of her. He thought he would be able to ignore those feelings the longer they’ve known each other, but somehow it’s just getting worse.

Having finished eating, they’re standing by a bar table with the little remainder of their drinks. Thankfully, they’re both spacing out after the long day, so she’s not likely to notice his internal battle with where to stare. Her lips are so pretty, but he can never get over the color of her eyes, shining like pennies in this light, too.

He’s saved by the soft buzz of Nora’s phone on the table, alerting them of an incoming call. She looks at the screen before answering, taking a few steps away so that John can’t hear everything that’s said, but her expression isn’t a happy one; eyes narrowed and brows pushed together, she glances at the floor as they speak. “What are you talking about?... you can’t seriously expect me-... That’s illegal! You can’t just-” Nora lowers the phone, cursing under her breath. They hung up on her, didn’t they?

“Fuck” she whispers, slowly turning to face John. She has that look in her eyes like she’s planning to set something on fire. For his own safety, he should be careful not to upset her and redirect her wrath. But he is reckless, and he’s not going to let it go. He heard the word ‘illegal’, and if that’s not a call for a lawyer, he doesn’t know what is.

“What happened?” he says quickly, walking toward her.

She avoids his gaze. “It’s nothing.” He can tell she’s trying to seem okay, but her voice is hard and strained.

“Nora.” there’s accusation in his voice. She should know better than to try and hide something from him.

“John.”

“You can tell me.” he insists.

She sighs irritably. “It’s nothing. It’s just about my apartment.”

“Your apartment? Are they raising the rent?” His mind scurries to flip through all the possibilities. Raising the rent wouldn’t be borderline illegal, unless they tripled it or something. “Are they trying to kick you out?” she winces and he knows that’s the one. “They wouldn’t evict you- selling the building without notice, or declaring bankruptcy, or the landlord made a run for it...”

“Just forget about it. I’ll find somewhere else.” In Atlanta. For as cheap as she had that place in somewhere safe? John knows that’s a lie. She’ll end up in a dump or paying out her nose for something half as nice. And it’s the principle of it; someone is trying to wrong her, and many others, for their own personal gain.

“How many days?” he dares to ask, though he’s sure he won’t like the answer.

“Five.”

“No! No way!” He can’t stand it, and he wants to do whatever he can to make sure the assholes hurting his Nora don’t get another chance to hurt anyone ever again. He can destroy their lives in an instant, she should know that. Yet, she rolls her eyes at him dismissively, crossing her arms as if she could block him off. “I’m a lawyer! I have connections everywhere. I can at least get you an extension. No one can move that fast!”

“John-”

“I can buy the fucking building.” he throws up his hands for emphasis.

“Are you crazy? No!” Nora says more assertively than before. He should notice aggression seeping into her voice, but he doesn’t, too focused on preventing her from spontaneously becoming homeless.

“It’s fine. It’d be an asset, really.” John pulls out his phone, quickly scrolling through contacts. He has plenty of government officials and others of the like he hasn’t called in any favors with in a long time. Surely someone can help him mend the situation.

“Stop! I don’t want your charity, John.”

“It’s not charity. It’s about justice. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you-” A tap of the screen and his phone call begins to go through as he realizes the slip, maybe that was too affectionate. “I mean, think about all the other people that are suffering because of that bastard, too.” He wasn’t thinking about them, but she can if it convinces her to accept help.

Nora steps toward him, eyes blazing with frustration. “I said ‘no’ John!” Her hand reaches out and pulls the phone from his. He doesn’t expect it, so it isn’t hard for her to pry it from him. She’s quick to tap the red button to hang up and places his phone face down on the table with enough force to make a noise without hurting it. She looks at him through gritted teeth and a wicked glare, but he sees more in her eyes, desperate and a little hurt. “I don’t want your help! I just- don’t. Okay?”

Nora purses her lips, eyes traveling over John for a moment before she turns away begins to walk out the back door of the bar. He lifts a hand to stop her, but doesn’t move, still confused by what just happened.

She doesn’t storm off or slam the door behind her, it’s a much more calculated move than that. One that has John faltering in shock. He stands in his spot, watching the place where she left, attempting to wrap his mind around the moment. How had he messed this up? The back of his mind tells him he can’t even help his best friend without screwing things up, but he pushes it away in pursuit of fixing this.

When John walks out the back door Nora left from, he’s met with the sight of her sitting a ways down on the beach, alone in the dark with only the ocean and stars above. He approaches her slowly, observing the way her eyes are locked on the waves, watching the calming patterns they make as they ebb and flow. He breathes deeply, trying to calm his nerves.

“Just let me help you, Nora.” he says, trying to soften his voice for her.

She’s still mad, voice harsh and bitter. “I’m fine. I don’t need help all the time.”

Okay. John rethinks his approach. She’s always stubborn on this. Maybe it was his fault bringing finances into it, but maybe there’s something more. “You help me all the time. What’s wrong with me wanting to take care of you, too?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I barely do anything for you.” It’s the biggest joke Johns ever heard. Sure, she doesn’t buy him stuff all the time, but she’s there for him, unconditionally.

She’s shivering where she sits on the beach, cold air blowing up from the ocean. Of course they didn’t bring jackets. Summer nights in Atlanta don’t chill this much. He lets out a frustrated sigh. It’s stupid. This is stupid. But it doesn’t stop him.

John sits down behind Nora, one leg on each side of her, and pulls her close to him before she can react. She doesn’t fight him on it, but he can feel her tense up at the sudden close contact.

“John?”

“You’re cold.” he doesn’t know where to put his hands, running them over her arms to warm her up first. He can already see her shivering subside. “I’ve never had anyone like you before.” he says quietly. She begins to relax into his touch, letting herself lean back against his chest for extra warmth.

“You’ve helped me more than anyone ever has- cared about me more than almost anyone ever has. Why is this any different?” John can hear his voice but not fully register the words coming out of his mouth. It’s raw and too true. Only Jacob and Joseph had ever loved him before. And Nora- well, Nora doesn’t _love him_ love him. Right?

“But the things you do are bigger! I can’t repay you for things like that. I don’t want to take advantage of you. And- and-” Nora pauses, anger and frustration morphing into something much more vulnerable. “I don’t want to be helpless. I don’t want you to think less of me because I can’t do something on my own… I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

“Why would you think any of that?” John asks, horrified by the thought she would ever imagine a world where he could think less of her. Nora glances at him and he knows. “Your dad?” she shrugs, a silent confirmation. Makes sense. He wanted to raise a soldier, not a daughter.

He huffs lightly against her neck. John Duncan never hurt for anyone- felt bad for them? Sure. But his heart never ached for anyone before; no matter who he met, he was more broken than them. While that’s still true with Nora, he admires her endlessly, and imagining that someone could make her feel so insecure about something… it awoke something in him. And now he can’t shake those ferocious feelings that both make him want to heal all her wounds, and protect her from gaining more, no matter how small or large. His heart feels something, and that’s both wonderful and horrible all at once.

“You’re a psych major, hm? You sure seem to understand how to be gentle with me a whole lot more than yourself.”

Nora laughs bitterly. “Oh, fuck you.” she tries to squirm away from him. Maybe it was a poorly timed joke, but there’s truth in it, and the small smile on her face tells him it did what he had hoped.

“Okay, okay, I’ll be nice.” he promises, pulling her back closer to him, arms wrapping around her waist. In truth, he really doesn’t want to release her, ever. He feels like he could stay like this all night. “I’m just saying that you need to give yourself a break. Accepting help isn’t weakness, and you know it, too.”

He breathes slowly before continuing, just willing himself not to mess this up in some half thought through profession of undying love or something else equally horrifying. “You’re the strongest person I know, and part of that is your softness. We help each other in whatever ways we can. That’s part of a friendship. You’re perfect, my dear. Nothing could change my opinion on that.”

Nora presses into him more. She’s quiet and thoughtful, lip caught between her teeth. John takes the moment to pull his arms around her waist a little tighter, her hand moving to rest on top of his. He lets his chin rest on her shoulder and closes his eyes. So close like this, she’s so warm and soft; it makes him think about what this could be. What they could be.

They sit like that for some time, the only noise between them their breathing. “Thank you, Johnny.” she says softly in only a whisper. Nora turns her head to look at John out of the corner of her eye, but it’s uncalculated and brings them face to face.

It sounds ridiculous to him, that she would thank him. He’s the one that owes her, but his words are lost as the closeness of her face to his steals away all his thoughts. The way her eyelashes flutter and her lips part, mere centimeters from his own, it makes him feel like he has no control. He feels himself move to touch her nose with his own, and her breath hitches. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but his eyes close, and he focuses on the feeling of her so close. There’s an electric feeling in the air, and his heart is pounding in his chest. He wonders if she can feel it, pressed against him like this. It’s both frightening and exhilarating. He wants to take his time, cherish the moment, leaning in slowly, carefully, lips inching towards hers.

The sound of a man’s voice and the beam of a flashlight aimed at them has John jolting in surprise. “Sir! Ma’am! This section of the beach is closed. You need to leave.” a grouchy looking security guard with grey hair and no respect for romance scowls at them.

John scrambles to his feet, embarrassed and flustered, reaching down to help Nora up as well. “Oh, so sorry about that. We’ll be going.” he mutters. Normally he would talk them out of a situation like this, use his charisma or some bribery to stay. But he doesn’t think they can just pick up where they left off. It was probably just a fluke, a weakness in the moment, and he’s too terrified to test if it was anything more.

It’s getting late and they still have the plane ride home. As the two walk to catch a cab, chatting and laughing as usual, John pulls Nora in to link her arm in his, but they don't hold hands. That would be too close, and they’re not that close. Right?

By the time they get to the hanger, Nora’s tired and nearly dozing off already. He lets her sleep on the flight home. He doesn’t feel tired, too busy replaying that moment over and over again in his mind. Maybe the interruption was a sign from above.

He’s too worried about her driving home this late. There’s a lot of accidents and drunk drivers in Atlanta, so he insists she stay the night- but not in the way he wants her to. Instead, he gives her pillows and blankets, setting her up in his guest room. He doesn’t really know why he has it, she might be the first person to ever use it.

He watches as she falls into the sheets face first; he thinks he hears her mutter something along the lines of “Thank you” and “you’re the best”. It’s cute and makes him chuckle.

Tomorrow, with her permission, he will call someone at the firm and see about getting the tenants in Nora’s complex an extension on their move out deadline. He won’t buy the building, as much as he’d like to solve the problem for her. That doesn’t mean he won’t ask around and get her a deal on a better apartment, though.

In his own bed, John closes his eyes and lets his thoughts drift. He can’t help it. He wishes Nora was next to him. He wishes she would wake him up to crawl into his bed, seeking comfort from a restless night. Wishes she would cling to him in her sleep or let him wrap his arms around her from behind, bodies pressed tight. But most of all, he wishes he were someone better and braver, able to do something about the emotions coiled up in his chest and give her all the love she deserves.

But he’s not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I started this chapter out with the goal of fun cuteness and somehow wandered into angsty territory. Sorry? But not really?? 
> 
> Also. Every time Nora says "Fuck you" John's mind automatically responds "Yes, please."


	9. Blue Eyes and Voices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not 100% satisfied with how the beginning of this chapter turned out, but I really just wanted to get it out- so, bare with me. 
> 
> I don't know if you've been paying attention to the timeline, guys, but this chapter ends at a little after John and Nora's 2 year friendiversary!!
> 
> Again, thank you so much (x1000) for all the nice comments, encouragement, kudos, and views. You guys are the best!! <3

Her back aches, her head hurts, and her eyes are heavy. Killed a man today, has a set ritual she can’t break, desperate for the fleeting sensation of normality. By the door of her apartment, she unlaces her shoes, the left, then the right. Removes her black cargo pants first, then the top.

She throws them in the empty washer directly before slipping into her bathroom. She turns on the shower, water hot and fan off so that steam fills the small room. She doesn’t like to see her exhausted reflection after long nights like this and waits until the room is hot before climbing in.

She talks a big talk, but it’s rare for her to actually shoot someone on duty here. Their goal is always to pacify the situation. As she is normally a sniper, her position is strictly to protect others. When things happen, if they lose someone or she needs to pull the trigger, it takes a lot out of her.

She doesn’t feel guilty about this, and it won’t haunt her the way her time overseas does. But shooting someone in the same city she lives somehow makes it hard to escape, and it stays with her for a few days after. It triggers something in her, too, and all the vivid nightmares follow it. Knowing she saved even one person makes it worth it, though. Hot water shifting to cold wakes her out of her daze, prompting the end of her shower.

Next on the list is alcohol. With wet hair and wrapped in a towel, she cracks open the fridge to retrieve a cider- nothing too strong. She doesn’t bother turning on lights, illuminated only by the glow of the fridge and bathroom. She drinks it quickly, just enough alcohol in her blood to help her sleep.

The night air is chilly; she grabs the first item of clothing she sees to warm up. It’s John’s black hoodie he left at her apartment a few weeks ago that she’s been hoarding ever since. He’s too vain to wear hoodies to the office, but she loves the way he looks in them, hair ruffled just enough as they hang around her apartment or when they go out to the movies, stashing all the snacks they can in their pockets.

They’re coming up on almost two years of knowing each other, and yet, the smallest things still make her so happy. A warmth fills her chest with the thought, making the comfort of the hoodie double. By the time she crawls into bed, her phone buzzes.

 **John 4:23am**  
Work go okay? Text me when you get home.

 **Nora 4:23am**  
Could’ve gone better. Just got home awhile ago.

 **Nora 4:24am**  
Why are you even awake?

It’s not even a millisecond until her phone starts buzzing, John’s name across the top of the incoming call notification.

“Why are you awake?” she asks, smiling and thankful that he is.

“I was worried about you, sweetheart.” his tone is mocking, but she knows there’s truth in his words.

“Oh, shut up, loser.” she laughs with him.

“Did you have your drink yet?”

He knows her routine. Oh, does he. Work either goes good or it could’ve been better, and he know what each means. Then, he knows just how to respond. It went good? Idle chit chat. Her mind is always distracted after emergency calls; he likes to help her relax. But she doesn’t like to explicitly tell him if something went wrong at work. So, when she says It could have gone better, he knows what she means and likes to stay on the phone with her until she’s tired enough to sleep.

Likewise, she knows the moments he needs her to call, normally late at night when his thoughts keep him up, mocking him. During the day he would text her or come over, sit on her couch and eat all her food.

When his nightmares catch up with him, it lasts a while. She’ll spend the whole week trying everything she can to remind him how very good he is. That the Duncans were full of bullshit and deserved their timely end. She doesn’t tell him that last part though.

“Yea, I just got into bed.” she explains, snuggling into the blankets and his hoodie more. They go through the usual round of benign topics before silence settles over the phone.

“Does it bother you? Killing them, I mean.” he asks, voice quiet and gentle. She doesn’t have to answer, she knows that. But his questions never bother her.

“Hm? Killing them?” Nora thinks about it for a moment, her answer almost caught in her throat. Of course she’s affected by it, but not in a typical remorseful way. “Yes, but… What if it doesn’t sometimes? Losing hostages or innocent people, yea. But killing the bad guys… I hate that it can’t end better, and I hate how it affects me, but in the end I don’t regret it. Don’t feel so bad about it, either. I dunno, maybe I’m just as fucked up as all the psychos I study, hm?”

“You and me both, darling.” she can imagine his face as he says it, cocky and flirtatious. He’d lean in close to her, eyes locked on her intently. She revels in the sound of his deep laugh, like sweet music to her ears.

“I guess that’s why we’re so good together.” she chides back, her voice getting lazy and breathy in her exhaustion.

She can tell John is getting sleepy too, only giving her a long “mhmm” in response.

There’s no sound in her room or on the phone but their breathing. Most nights, John would wait for her to get too tired to form real sentences before he hung up, but tonight they simply lay in silence. Just the sound of his existence calms her anxiety.

Moments like this feel too intimate for friends, like something long distance lovers would do. It makes her feel guilty for wishing he was here with her, his warmth next to her in bed. It’s pointless. She shoves the dream away again, willing herself to accept the reality of their friendship. She’s lucky to have him. No reason to waste that for frivolous hopes. Still, the smell of him on his hoodie and the sound of his breath has her wistful.

“Miss you” she mutters through slurred breath, allowing sleep to engulf her.

She won’t sleep well for a few days, that’s how these things go. Recurring nightmares, cold sweats, and the endless urge to lay on her floor and stare at the ceiling while doing none of the responsibilities she has. It’s not bad, she tries to remind herself.

\--

 **Nora 9:15am**  
:)

 **John 9:24am**  
4.5 hours isn’t enough sleep, my dear.

 **Nora 9:26am**  
Right back at ya, honey  
**Nora 9:30am**  
And I was texting you to say how much I appreciate you

 **John 10:00am**  
And how much is that?

 **Nora 10:05am**  
I’d hate to make your ego grow  
**Nora 10:06am**  
You know you’re my favorite, Johnny :P

Nora hears the distinct sound of the text finishing being sent followed by a knock on the door. She slips on a pair of leggings as she hobbles to answer it. She always checks the peephole before answering, just in case. Some might call her paranoid, but with what she’s seen, how could she not be? This apartment is still new to her; despite living here for over a month, she isn't used to living in such a nice part of town. Of course, it was John who suggested the place. She suspects he has something to do with the low cost of it, but she isn't going to complain. After the incident on her birthday, she's learning to accept his help more. It makes him happy, too, so that makes it easier. 

When Nora opens the door, she isn’t surprised to see the familiar gloating face of John Duncan outside her door holding some sort of paper bag. She quickly unlocks it: chain, deadbolt, and knob lock. When the door opens, John throws out his arms into a dramatic greeting, one hand gripping the swinging bag.

“I come bearing gifts!” he announces. He’s dressed casually today, a pair of snug jeans and a white V-neck T-shirt under his leather jacket. That thing has her seeing stars whenever he wears it. She notices his cobalt blue shoes- there is always some amount of blue on him.

“Did you seriously wait six minutes standing there for me to reply to your text before knocking?” she giggles as he wraps his outstretched arms around her, reassuring and warm; she swears he gives the best hugs ever.

John’s comfortable in her apartment. He has no problem throwing the paper bag on her coffee table and retrieving plates for them. He pulls out two bagel breakfast sandwiches with extra bacon, just how she likes it.

“My meeting got canceled today. Figured I’d hang out with you instead.” he says handing her a sandwich.

“Thank you.” Nora bats her long eyelashes at him. Even with little sleep, there was something natural and soft about her beauty that captures his eye, the way her sharp eyes sparkle and her full lips pout ever so slightly when she’s tired. “You’re the best.” she says sweetly.

John lets his gaze roam over her for a moment before abruptly looking away, attempting to hide whatever blush threatens to ruin his cool exterior. “Better watch it, Williams. Gonna get yourself in trouble with those doe eyes one day.” he says. she huffs quietly at him before drawing her legs onto the couch, curling up comfortably. “Is that my hoodie?”

“You left it here. Your loss.” she says defensively, though she knows he won’t ask for it back. She’ll have to send it home with him one of these days, if only for the sake of seeing him wear it again.

“Looks better on you anyways.”

John gave up not flirting with her a long time ago. He seemed to step around their relationship so carefully at first. He was a bit flirtatious, but kept more overt comments like that restrained. Somewhere along the lines their friendship morphed into this weird in between where he says whatever he wants, but she knows there’s only a minute amount of truth in it. He would never make a move on her. Maybe that’s what makes them work so well together, but she can’t help but wonder.

Nora takes a large bite of her sandwich, still warm even with his 6 minute detour. She studies his features carefully. It has been almost two years since they met, and somehow he had only gotten more beautiful. His eyes are brighter every day like the deep pools of ocean blue, filling her with the same warmth one could experience from a tropical breeze. He has more tattoos these days, completely covering his forearms and working up to his biceps.

Today, he has dark rings under his eyes, something that sparks concern in her. Maybe his visit is just as much about finding his own respite as it is aiding hers.

She remembers the first time he let her see him having a breakdown. He had been acting awry all week. She can’t remember what happened, but something at the law firm set him off- some tiny unimportant mistake that got him fussed at, a nasty phone call from one of the senior lawyers in the firm. First came his anger, shoving things in his house to the floor. Then, the anger was at himself. ‘So fucking dumb’, ‘I’m such a mistake’, he muttered abusive string after another to himself.

She talked him down like it was nothing- hid the horror in her eyes and the anger that came with it for the people who did this to him. Explosive anger is nothing new to Nora. Though she can’t say she condones it or isn’t bothered by it, she wouldn’t let him feel like the monster or the mistake he thought he was for it. It wasn’t hard after he composed himself. She remembers the way he slumped on the floor, tired and pained, letting himself give up for a moment. She threw herself on the ground with him and wrapped him in an embrace. She had never seen John so shocked in his life, that anyone could still _care_ about him after seeing that. It’s always like that; the anger just a way to hide the pain. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t really get angry with her. He doesn’t feel the need to hide.

“You know staring is rude, right?” John’s curious accusation shock her out of the memory and back to the present. She was staring, wasn’t she?

“Are you sleeping okay?” she says bluntly.

John bites his lip, putting down the remaining half of his sandwich. He throws his feet up on the L section of her couch and reclines before responding. “Not really.” He doesn’t look at her when he says it.

“Work going okay?” she asks curiously.

“It’s fine. Johnson is still a fucking dumbass, though.” He says.

Nora chuckles. She’s heard all about Johnson and his dumbassary “Fire him then. What’s the point of owning a company if you don’t fire anyone?”

The idea makes John grin. “I’d love to, but that means I have to work more to make up for it.”

“Then keep him and just don’t work?” She says it likes it's the most obvious thing in the world. Honestly, he could probably afford it.

“If I don’t work, how am I going to buy my girl breakfast sandwiches?” John teases, but Nora’s fixating on the fact he just called her _his_ girl. She is, isn’t she? In a weird way. Like a sexless old couple, head over heels for each other in a mostly platonic way. Perfect…

“I could buy the sandwiches, just don’t expect me to pay the extra buck for avocado.”

John laughs at her heartily, placing his hand on his chest in offense. “What?! I’m not pretty enough for you?”

“Not with those bean bags under your eyes, _darling_.” She mocks his pet name for her.

He snorts in response, but doesn’t say much.

Sometimes he won’t sleep because he’s busy. Work is demanding. She gets that. But she knows a big part of it is his constant desire to ‘do enough’ as if it makes him a success if he doesn’t sleep. His aversion makes her think this is something else, though. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He sighs deeply “the dreams have been coming back a lot lately. The ones of that night.”

She knows what night he’s talking about. The severity of his abuse at the Duncans’ hands has become clearer to her over the years, little pieces coming out, exact instances he can’t wipe from his mind.

Nora scoots closer to him, propping her feet up next to his. It causes their bodies to be close, shoulders touching.

“I’ve been thinking about my brothers a lot lately, too.” He adds. She wants to tell him everything is okay, that he’s okay, but he speaks before she can. “Want to watch something? The Office?” his voice is chipper again, pushing away the dark thoughts and putting on a mask. She takes it that he doesn’t want to discuss it, so she retrieves the remote on the coffee table.

Still, she doesn’t restrain from pressing against his side in a half cuddle as they watch episodes of a show they’ve seen a million times before. The familiar words and the warmth of his body heat begin to make her head swim, eyelids fluttering in their sudden weight, sleep overtaking her. She feels her arm reach out to wrap around John’s waist, almost like she can’t control it.

“Thank you, my dearest.” his voice whispers into her hair as large arms pull her closer, and she doesn’t know if it’s a dream or real life, but she thinks she feels a kiss pressed to her temple.

\-------

The night is cold and air crisp; Nora can see her breath forming in clouds of mist in front of her. The days and nights grow colder with each day as they approach late October. The trees in Atlanta morph to vibrant reds and oranges, the air filling with a sweetness that only comes with that season. The colors are invigorating, harboring a new year through the loss of the last.

And what a year it will be. She just began graduate school; it’s going well so far. Despite getting her undergraduate degree in the same topic, she still felt out of her depths for the first week. Turns out she was just getting anxious over nothing. Meanwhile, John is becoming more and more busy at the law firm. It takes extra effort to get together, but they work around each other’s schedules.

Now, she’s waiting outside the movie theater, neon lights cast over her figure well after their scheduled showing. She glances at her phone, seeing the unanswered texts- delivered, but not seen.

 **Nora 7:30pm**  
I’m here! Freezing my ass off here, so you better be close. ;P  
**Nora 7:40pm**  
Caught up at work? Movies starting in 5.  
**Nora 7:55pm**  
Johnnnn.

“Asshole” she says under her breath before typing out a message ‘You better be dead because I’m going to kill you’. No- she deletes it. What if he’s actually dead?

 **Nora 8:05pm**  
I’m going home. Let me know when you get this so I know you’re still alive.

Yea, those periods will make her displeasure clear without seeming too harsh. With a sigh she trudges to her car. It’s starting to rain and she wants to go home and forget being stood up by that bastard. She can just imagine him sitting in his office working on a case that can wait, completely ignoring his buzzing phone. Or maybe a wealthy client came in to take him to dinner, schmoozing with the upper class as always.

She rolls her eyes, climbing into her car and shutting the door behind her a little too hard.

The ride home is quiet. Traffic is busy, car lights streaking the night with red and yellow. The sound of the dull radio, rumble of the road, and the passing vehicles are faint to her, caught up in her thoughts. Something is bothering her, like a rattle that she just can’t place. John doesn’t tend to blow her off like this. It happened at times, but not so late into the night. She’s mad, wants to be mad, but worry seeps into the front of her brain, recalling their earlier conversations.

It worries her more not to hear from him after everything that's been on his mind lately- the Duncans, his brothers, and everything in between. She doesn’t want to bother him or seem desperate. Despite their closeness, she still feels like she would burden him by pestering too much. Of course, he's the more likely one to blow up her phone with repeated texts.

But she really does need to give him his tablet that he left at her apartment earlier this week...

She can just drop it by his house; she has a key, and it’s on her way home, anyways...

And if she doesn't, she knows the sour feeling in her gut is just going to get worse until she knows he's okay. 

Most of the lights are off when she approaches his house, save for a few- the living room she suspects. He tends to leave lights on when he’s not home, though. There are no cars in the driveway indicating a guest. John’s car might be in the garage, but she can’t be sure.

He’s the worst about answering the door, gets hyper focused on work too easy, so she’s accustomed to letting herself in. She slips the key into to the door, opening it slowly. Her nerves are on edge, something screaming in her head ‘there’s something wrong’. If anything bad happens, she always has a weapon on her, and she knows where all his guns are.

When the door creeps open, she’s met with the sound of a man’s voice. It isn’t John’s, but it’s oddly similar. More disconnected sounding, smoother- almost too even. She can’t make out the words. It’s so late for company; it’s too out of character for John, sending her into emergency mode. She has two options: notify them that she’s there or walk in on whatever is going on. The second is risky if John is home. He might not appreciate her freaking out his client by interrupting their conversation with a hunting knife in her hand. Yea, the first option is probably better.

“John?” she calls, stepping further into the house. Near the entryway he has a gun stashed in a painting that’s frame doubles as a safe. She inches toward it waiting for a response.

Nothing. Until John comes abruptly around the corner, nearly scaring the daylights out of her. She jolts in surprise, gasping quietly.

“Nora? Nora! Oh… Nora.” He says her name instead of real words, stepping through a cycle of emotions. Confusion, excitement, and, finally, the realization he fucked up. He flips on a lightswitch near him, appraising her shocked appearance. His eyes run from her to the painting, slowly realizing the panic she had been in. “I am so sorry.” He puts his hands out in the way one would do to calm a wild animal. Maybe he thought she was going to shoot _him_.

“It’s fine. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay- I mean, I have your tablet. Thought I’d drop it off on my way home…” she explains, a little embarrassed she even worried about him so much.

John doesn’t respond. He has a wild look in his eyes, all shook up, too. He approaches her, placing his hands on her shoulders. She’s confused, eyes going wide for a second. “You won’t believe it.” he says.

“Are you okay, Johnny?”

“Come.” he commands, but instead of letting her follow him, he pulls her with him into his living room.

“John. I can walk. Just, let go.” there’s some kind of unhinged smile on his face, kind of like the first time he took her flying and he did a loop without warning. Almost scared her half to death, but he loved every moment of it.

When he’s satisfied with her location, he spins her around to face the living room. It takes her a moment to regain her balance, but his hands tight on her shoulders steady her.

There’s a man in John’s living room. He looks older than them, but not the type of person that would typically hire John; he’s not rich as far as she can tell. He’s wearing a button up shirt and a vest, but it reminds her more of something a missionary would wear than a businessman.

He has a beard, but not as well groomed. His hair is pulled back into a small bun. The color is similar to John’s, though. It’s nighttime and they’re indoors, but he has a bright yellow tinted pair of aviators on. But his eyes. Nora looks at his eyes, so blue. A little lighter than John’s.

“John, you didn’t tell me you have a girlfriend.” the man says as he stands to greet her.

His words don’t even register, just the sound. His voice. Just different enough, but there was something similar, too.

When Nora begins putting the pieces together, she still can’t believe it. Her eyebrows knit together in confusion as she looks from John to this man and then back again until she’s nearly lightheaded. No way. No way. She has to be seeing things. Her brain short circuits at what to say. Does she ask? Or wait for him to say something? What if she's wrong? She can hear John chuckle at her.

He’s different. Not as pretty as John- face thinner, nose rounder, lips thinner, hair... also thinner, but he really resembles John in an odd way.

“This is my best friend, Nora.” John says, smiling at her like a kid in a candy store. “Nora, this is my brother, Joseph.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaahhh. Finally!! 
> 
> So, the next few chapters have been particularly difficult for me. In part because this means I have to write Joseph. Sooo, I would really appreciate it if someone wants to be my beta reader/let me bounce ideas off you. I'm kinda terrified about messing up Joseph's characterization, so I would really appreciate it!!! And I won't give away too many spoilers. Just hit me up on tumblr if you're interested/willing!! Literally anyone. I just need someone's opinion that knows Joseph's character better than I do


	10. Warning Signs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!! Chapter 10!!! 
> 
> Thank you so much for all the encouraging comments and kudos. I love hearing what you guys think about the story and characters, and especially, what you think will happen. >:)
> 
> And THANK YOU sooo much to all the people that gave me feedback, advice, and let me talk to them about the characterization of Joseph and how I wanted to do this. You guys are so awesome!! <3  
> (I don't know how to tag people on here because I am ao3 illiterate, otherwise I would tag you guys)

“This is my best friend, Nora.” John says, smiling at her like a kid in a candy store. “Nora, this is my brother, Joseph.”

“Ah, wonderful. John has told me a lot about you.” Joseph says as he approaches Nora. “Nice to meet you.”

Like John, Joseph doesn’t have much of a Georgian accent, with only the slightest trace of it left in the way he doesn’t enunciate as clearly as John. She finds it odd, considering he’s from such a small town, but then again, many people make an effort to change their accents. That’s how linguistic imperialism works, unfortunately.

He wraps his arms around her in a welcoming hug, but Nora feels a pang of discomfort run through her body. “Nice to meet you too,” she reciprocates. She doesn’t like being touched by strangers; it’s nothing personal. “How did you find each other?”

She can barely believe he’s actually there. After years of hearing about Joseph and Jacob, she didn’t expect to actually meet them.

“I’ve been looking for my brothers for quite some time.” Joseph says, moving back into the living room to return to his seat. John motions for her to sit with them, his arm outstretched to lead the way.

 Her voice is unsure “Oh, I should probably go. I wouldn’t want to take up your time together.” It’s wonderful for John. She’s excited for him, but her nerves are still on edge from when she arrived. She probably just needs some sleep. She can get to know Joseph when John is ready.

“It’s no burden. I would love to know more about you.” Joseph says. When she glances at John he has his best puppy dog eyes prepared for her and a sheepish smile. She knows he’s playing her, but it still works.

“Right, sure. I guess I can stay a little bit.”

John doesn’t let go of her shoulder, leading her to sit next to him on the couch. Once seated, Nora pulls her legs up onto the couch for comfort. It causes her knee to touch John’s leg, but neither mind. However, she can practically feel Joseph’s gaze on them.

Nora doesn’t stay too long, eager to get home and slightly uncomfortable impeding on their evening. Joseph asks her a lot of questions- things varying from her family life to studies and her friendship with John. John animatedly recalls many of their adventures together. It’s funny, actually, so see how much of her life he can comment on, elaborating on her answers with embellishments and praise for her. She doesn’t see the need to focus on herself, but John gushes to Joseph over her studies, graduate school, and plans for the future. And she’s not sure if anyone will ever care about her life as much as John does. But that doesn’t feel so bad, and it causes a warm fluttering feeling to her stomach.

Joseph listens intently, smiling at his brother’s enthusiasm and asking questions, though he rarely talks about himself. It’s sweet, though. She can really tell he cares about John, despite all their years apart.

When it’s beginning to get late, and she feels she’s stayed long enough, Nora excuses herself. “I should probably get going, John. I have work tomorrow, you know.”

“Already?” John pouts.

She offers him a sympathetic smirk in return.

“Thanks for staying, Williams.” John says sweetly, reaching out to caress the knee that has been touching him with the back of his hand, gazing into her eyes adoringly. “I’ll walk you to your car.” he offers.

Nora fights back a blush as she stands to leave, trying to redirect her thoughts. “It is so far away.” she teases. “But yea, your tablet is still in my car.”

She always leaves her car unlocked at John’s place with the gate keeping it safe, so John has no problem rushing ahead of her to snatch up his tablet from the passenger’s seat. Nora walks, in much less of a rush, tired from the long day, joined by Joseph.

“It was very nice meeting you.” Joseph says politely as they approach the front door. He smiles at her, a curious glimmer in his eye. “I am glad to see my brother can still love. I was concerned his sin may prevent him.”

Nora feels a chill go through her like a ghost from the past. Did she hear that right? As quick as he had said it, Joseph continues nonchalauntly, as if it was just an insignificant comment in passing. “Have a safe drive home, Nora.”

Joseph retreats into the house before she has time to react, ask for clarification, jump into action, something, anything! She stares at where he stood blankly for a moment before John interrupts her thoughts, his arms wrapping around her tightly from behind.

“Thank you, darling.” he whispers into her ear.

Nora lets the warmth of him so close relax her, a smile growing on her face. “Mm, I guess you’re worth it.” she chides “I’m so happy for you, Johnny. And, you know I would do anything for you.”

He leans closer to her, raising his hand to run the back of his knuckles over her cheek slowly. The sweetness of it takes her breath away. She can feel his eyes boring into her, watching for even the slightest reaction. God, what’s gotten into him to put her in this position? “And you know I’d do the same for you.” John places a quick peck on her temple before releasing her. “Goodnight, Nora.”

It’s just enough to distract her until she gets home, occupying her brain with useless thoughts of what could be or what is. It isn’t until she reaches her apartment that she’s confronted with Joseph’s last words to her again. She tries not to fuss over it; maybe she was imagining things. He couldn’t have really said ‘sin’, could he? She’s so focused on what she thought she heard, she misses the significance of the sentence prior to that.

She pushes her worry down. The excitement in John’s eyes was all she needed to tell her Joseph must be good. Afterall, they’re brothers. Right?

 

\---------

 

John wakes up early the next morning, barely able to sleep from the buzz of energy that has been coursing through him since finding Joseph. It all feels like a dream. Even as he walks down the stairs of his house, he half expects it to be empty and the day before to be a figment of his imagination.

Joseph had found him at his law firm. It was unbelievable. John still can’t comprehend how he didn’t break down in the lobby. He brought Joseph to his office before the two broke down into pained and joyful tears all at once. Joseph had found him after finding out the Duncan company was responsible for the renovation of their old neighborhood- back when John’s parents first died, he spent his time and wealth to bury his past there. Somewhere along the lines he abandoned the project, only really affecting the one neighborhood. But it stopped mattering to him, and he found himself unwilling to associate with the people that gave him leverage to take the land he had planned to. Burying that old house and its haunting memories was enough.

Joseph said he had a lot to tell John, something important about their future, but after John told him about his life Joseph told him it would wait. John recounted the events with the Duncans in detail, watching his older brother’s face distort in disappointment and anger. But that’s not all his life has been; John recounted the healing and transformation in his life over the past few years.

“Do you think there is anything good left in this world?” Joseph had asked him once it was all finished.

“I didn’t used to. But now? I can’t help but think there is.”

Joseph looked disappointed by his brother’s answer.

John was so excited to show Joseph the house he had gotten for himself. His brother knew he worked as a lawyer, but to really _see_ the success John had built, and inherited, was another thing. However, Joseph’s reaction was less than he expected. He seemed to be interested, but John could tell something was bothering Joseph. He offered to let him drive the cars or go out for an extravagant dinner, but he only mentioned being content with simplicity.

Regardless, the night couldn’t have gone better. It was regretful that he forgot Nora, but she was understanding as always. He loved sharing that part of his life with Joseph, showing off the beautiful darling woman that helped him become who he is, offering him a bit of sanity he thought he lost forever.

When John makes his way to the kitchen, he’s surprised to see Joseph awake already and starting breakfast. Joseph has some eggs cooking on the stove and is looking through John’s cabinets. He frowns at the contents of a few before noticing John is there.

“Good morning, brother.” Joseph says, smiling warmly to John. “I hope you still like omelets, I’ve made enough for both of us.”

“I do, thank you.”

It dawns on John how little he actually knows about Joseph. It has been so long since they’ve seen each other, separated at John’s adoption. He has no idea how much has changed. Surely, Joseph has more memories of John than John does of him, due to the age gap. But a lot changes in twenty years. He’s certainly not the same kid that left the orphanage so long ago.

It’s a weird feeling really, having a family again. John finds himself filled with a joy he can barely contain, but at the same time there are doubts that stay in his mind and memories of the past that resurface; the typical things, reminding him he doesn’t deserve this or he will only disappoint Joseph. He should talk to Nora soon. She’s so good at comforting him… 

When Joseph and John place their plates on the table, Joseph turns to him, placing a hand on John’s shoulder. “I am pleased to find you are healing from the past.”

John smiles, Joseph’s reassurance warms his heart. He doesn’t know the last time a family member gave him approval. “I’m trying.”

“Do not fear, there is more peace to be found,” Joseph pauses “So much has happened in the past years. There’s so much for us to discuss.”

Once they finish eating, John begins to think about the day. He would like Joseph to experience the good parts of Atlanta. He clasps his hands together as he speaks “So, I thought maybe today we could do something in the city. There’s lots of fun places to go! I could show you around.”

“I’m afraid the city isn’t my love as it is yours, John.”

“Right, maybe we could go to lunch, though.”

Joseph seems to ponder this for a moment. “Yes. Let’s do that. Would you like to invite Nora?”

A childish smile grows on John’s face. It gives him a warm feeling to bring the two most important people currently in his life together. If only Jacob were here to join them; that would be perfect. “Yes! I’ll see if she can meet us during her lunch break.”

“Oh? And what does she do?”

“She’s part-time on the SWAT team, but she has to go in for paperwork days every now and then.” John explains.

“The violence of this world really is sickening, isn’t it.”

John nods in agreement. He admires Nora for what she does, but it does worry him often and disgust him with the filth of the people in this city. However, there’s something in Joseph’s voice that tells him there’s more to it than that.

**John 10:30am**

Got time during your lunch break today? I’m taking Joseph to lunch in the city.

 

**Nora 10:45am**

I do, but are you sure you want me around so much? I thought you two would want to bond. Bro stuff or whatever.

 

**John 10:50am**

Haha- Don’t worry about it. I want you

**John 10:52am**

Here* ;)

 

Nora sends him the rolling eyes emoji at the last comment. Of course he has to make it suggestive. Regardless, it makes her feel warm inside to know John wants her so involved in his life like this. It feels special somehow.

When lunch finally rolls around, Nora meets the two at a small diner; it’s not John’s usual kind of place, but she knows it still has a good reputation as a family owned restaurant. Joseph doesn’t look like one for luxury, so she guesses he may have protested against John’s extravagant choices.

The restaurant is small, filled with mismatching tables and chairs, with vibrantly colored paintings adorning the walls, each likely from a local artist. The room is filled with the sweet smell of handmade pastries. This is the kind of place one can get breakfast any time of the day, and is open until late at night for the abundance of college students in the town. In a booth by the window, Nora finds the two men seated already, John talking enthusiastically, using his hands as always. He stops mid sentence, standing to greet her.

“Nora! I’m so glad you could make it.” he says, greeting her with a hug.

Nora is quick to sit down next to him before Joseph gets the idea to hug her too. “Of course. I’m glad I could join you guys.”

John waves over the waitress to order drinks for them and get started on food. The waitress, a young women likely in her early twenties, doesn’t look away from John the entire time. Nora’s used to it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still irritate her. She scoots slightly closer to him just to make a point.

John requests Irish coffees for the two of them, one of her favorite drinks: coffee, whiskey, and sugar with cream. That’s as good as it gets, and he knows how much she loves them, so she certainly won’t protest, despite needing to go back to work after this. The alcohol content is low enough, anyways, and it makes John feel special when he treats her. However, his order is interrupted by a grimacing Joseph.

“John, is that really necessary?”

What? Nora glances between John and Joseph, then to the waiter who looks as confused and uncomfortable as her. John stalls in his response, only a small “uhh” coming out.

“Alcohol is a gateway to sin. Must we really fill ourselves with such artificial chemicals?”

John shifts uncomfortably, Nora can almost feel the tenseness in him as his eyes drift down to the table before him. Just the word triggers something uncomfortable in them both. Her instinct is to chew Joseph out for even insinuating John was SINFUL in this decision. She’s not dumb; she knows John isn’t perfect. But she won’t stand for using the words his parents threw at him as abuse to describe a single thing he does these days. And alcohol? Come on! But it’s John’s long lost brother. So, she won’t say a word. Not yet, anyways.

“Maybe just regular coffees then…” John says uncomfortably, rewarded with a warm smile from Joseph. It seems to dissipate John’s stress, his posture relaxing and the light coming back to his eyes, but Nora’s still on edge.

There’s an uncomfortable silence as Nora watches John warily before Joseph speaks up. “So, Nora, John mentioned you were part of the SWAT team here?”

“Yea, I am.” so you better watch out…

“John and I were speaking on the way here, and we have decided to search for our brother, Jacob, together.”

“Oh, that’s great!” Nora says. She hopes Jacob is more fun than Joseph, though.

“Yesterday, you asked me how I found John. You see, it is my destiny to reunite our family. A purpose given to me by god. The past years have been quite the spiritual journey for me.” Joseph speaks slowly, an even and monotonous tone. She listens closely, though, unsure of where this is going. “With John and I reunited, we are halfway to restoring our family again. And I was hoping you could aid us in our goal.”

“Okay?” She says, unsure of where this is going. She glances at John for confirmation and he shrugs, a little smirk on his face. Okay, so they’re going to roll with this.

Joseph smiles, lifting his hands to gesture to her. “Wonderful. With your access, I was hoping you could gather Jacob’s records for us. I’m not sure if you know, but he spent some time in juvenile detention.”

“I’m aware. As much as I would like to, it’s not that simple. Using the database for personal reasons is illegal, actually.”

Joseph stares at her. His eyes search her face for something, boring into her in a nearly tangible way. She shifts uncomfortably. It’s not like she doesn’t want to help him. She’s already considered this many times.

“Very well…” he says at last, but she can hear his disappointment.

John jumps in to remedy the situation “You know, Joseph, I know someone higher up in the department. I’m sure he could do it for us.”

Nora knows who John is talking about; he told her about every dangerous and horrible scumbag she has any possibility of meeting. And she hates the idea of him interacting with those people again, like back in the day when John would host house parties flowing with drugs and the most powerful monsters in town. This man had a reputation for selling drugs within the force and making deals with drug lords of the city.

It’s not that he’s dangerous to John, per se, but she worries about how it will affect him to be pulling in favors for blackmail again. Of course, it’s not like John ever stopped using his social power, but he isn’t schmoozing with the worst of the worst or pushing illegal agendas anymore.

The thought makes her glower. She reaches out to John under the table, running her fingers over the back of his hand subtly. John looks at her warmly, understanding the silent message of support. So much is communicated in the moment between them, of understanding and care. The way he stares at her sends butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

But she can feel Joseph’s eyes on them; it’s not a judging stare, but still intent and careful, like he’s taking notes of their interactions.

“John, how do you know this man?” Joseph asks warily. 

The answer is hard to give in public, of course. “I- he was an acquaintance from my past.”

“One of the less wholesome ones?” Joseph says, and Nora is surprised to realize how much about John that Joseph already knows. He must really trust his older brother to admit so much in only a day.

John nods affirmatively.

Joseph then turns to her “And this concerns you, Nora?”

“Um,” she looks away, a little flustered, feeling called out. It feels weird to be reporting her concerns about John to someone she barely knows. She doesn’t tell anyone about his personal life. She looks at John instead. “Maybe you just shouldn’t go in person.”

“Calling for these kinds of favors over the phone isn’t exactly classy.” he explains, a hint of snarkiness in his voice.

“I know, but who knows what kind of situation you’ll be put in.” she pauses when he raises an eyebrow at her. “Just- maybe you could meet somewhere public.” Because what’s the likelihood that someone like that has streams of coke flowing through their house and will expect John to partake in it to save face? Seriously!

Joseph is quick to agree with her “She’s right. We musn’t expose ourselves in unnecessary temptation. Perhaps you could begin with a phone call and see what we need to do from there.”

Nora is surprised by his support, but she appreciates it nonetheless. If he’s considering John’s wellbeing, that’s enough for her. And his insistence is enough to convince John to talk to his contact over the phone.

John comes over to her apartment that night to make the phone call. Pacing back and forth across her wooden floors, he talks for around twenty minutes, all fake laughter and implied meanings, He doesn’t tell this man that Jacob is his brother or why he needs the information, makes it seem more like a vendetta he plans on collecting. She supposes that’s probably for the best. From what she can gather, they’ll meet at a cafe this week to pick up whatever paperwork the contact can provide.

Nora never hears him utter the word ‘blackmail’ or ‘remember how I know you’re a fucking criminal’, but it’s all in between the lines. Despite the ease at which he negotiated, she can feel the rigidness of his stance and knows his discomfort. He hates these types people.

John hangs up the phone, sighing heavily as the front he’d created fades away and the real him comes back. His eyes slowly track from the floor and up to her. She can tell it took something out of him to play the game and put up such an extreme façade again.

“Thank you for always being here.” he says quietly

“Well, you know I don’t like to leave home.” she jokes, attempting to clear the air.

It works, as John rolls his eyes at her exasperatedly, but she can see the corners of his mouth tug into a smile. “That isn’t what I meant.”

She can’t help but giggle at his irritation. He’s too easy to bug. “I know what you meant.” she teases. “Isn’t that what friends are for? You don’t have to thank me.”

John steps closer, pulling her into a hug with his arms around her neck, one that lasts longer than their normal greetings and goodbyes. “Yes, I do.” he says as she pulls her arms around his waist, letting her head rest against his chest.

They stay like that for a moment until Nora pulls away just enough to look up at him, arms still holding him. “Stay for awhile?”

“I probably shouldn’t. Joseph’s back at the house…”

“Oh, come on. He’s probably asleep. It’s his bedtime already, isn’t it?”

John snorts at her. “Okay, okay. I’ll stay for a bit.” he complains, but it makes him smile. “But you’ll have to get me a drink.”

“Deal!” Nora says excitedly. It’s been a while since they just chilled at her place. While she goes to the kitchen to retrieve two glasses of wine and some snacks, John starts a new video game. She deposits the drinks and snacks on the coffee table clumsily and takes a seat next to him, making sure they’re close enough to be touching slightly.

“Do you remember when we first did this?” John says wistfully.

“I was just thinking about that, actually. You’ve really improved your gaming techniques since then. Still scream like a little girl, though.” she teases, beginning to chuckle at the memory.

John bumps her with his shoulder playfully, making her laugh harder. It doesn’t take long for him to join in with her. Once they settle down, she notices how he scoots closer to her, still. He’s been even more tactile since Joseph has showed up, but she certainly isn’t complaining.

Spending the evening with him relaxes her. She was probably just being foolish to worry about Joseph. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Linguistic Imperialism is an ideology that values one language and one form of that language over others. It is completely socially constructed bullshit, but the way some people try to get rid of their very valid and wonderful accents because they associate negative things with them is a good example- another example is treating Academic English as the only way to communicate intellectual ideas. In this essay I will... 
> 
> I'm sorry, but updates are going to slow down for a little while. I'm in school and finals are coming up, so I'll have about 3-4 weeks of writing papers where I will be D E A D. I do like to write to relax/in free time though, so who knows, it might not be that long until chapter 11 comes out.


	11. Seeing Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I thought this wasn't going to be 200 pages long??? Well. We're at 100 pages now, and they haven't kissed yet. 
> 
> Thanks to all the wonderful commenters, kudos givers, and my wonderful beta reader :)

John wastes no time trying to make Joseph comfortable in his home. His brother came with nearly no belongings aside from a backpack of books and a rosary he seems particularly attached to. John takes him shopping for new clothes. Joseph denies most of his attempts to buy him something nice, so they settle for off brand button ups and such. John’s only victory is convincing Joseph to get a real blazer: a grey jacket, a little country styled, with a bright purple liner. It’s nothing compared to the luxurious suits John has custom made, but at least he’ll look more like a pastor with it.

It takes less than a week to get the documents from John’s contact. Meeting in a small cafe on the East side of town, as far as possible from their workplaces, the pudgy little man hands John illegal documents with a beaming smile, thinking nothing of giving away another’s life history. It doesn’t unnerve John. Nothing unnerves John… almost. But it does irritate him how desperate and squandering these foolish people are, so tied to their bad habits that they would give up anyone else to continue their pathetic lives of waste.

Joseph praised him heavily for his sacrifices to gather the evidence, for revisiting the past and handling his relationships so well. As well as resisting any temptations to fall back into that old lifestyle. It made him feel something he hadn’t in so long- love and respect from the only family he has. Like he had done something truly right.

At home, Joseph and John open the manilla envelope delicately, as if not to disturb it lest they lose their only connection to their brother. Joseph’s hand is on John’s shoulder as they crowd around the papers.

John’s heart pounds as they begin to shift through it all; he can even see anticipation mixed with anxiety on Joseph’s face, a break from his normally calm exterior. They don’t know what to expect. Joseph reaches for the first paper, a report on Jacob’s time at juvie. Commended for a humorous and good personality, but scolded for his stubbornness. That sounds about right.

John remembers a time when they were young and Jacob would stay up late into the night with his brothers, trying to make them laugh and smile after one of them had a nightmare. But he never was one to follow the rules, hating authority figures everywhere he went.

They soon find out that he spent time in the Marines- a lot of time in it, actually. That is, until he was discharged with severe PTSD. A black and white photo of his smiling face is included, but that’s where the paper trail ends.

“Nothing?” John says quietly, almost to himself as disappointment washes over him.

Joseph studies Jacob’s photo clasped in his hands before responding. “If you’re only patient, you will see it is not nothing.”

The way Joseph says it is calm and relaxed, spreading his advice or religious truths. But It feels like a rebuke to John’s sensitive soul. He can feel his heart drop. Joseph is right. He shouldn’t be so rash all the time. His subconscious reminds him he always makes mistakes like this, and he doesn’t try to push it away this time. It’s right.

John casts his eyes downward, frustrated by his mistake and longing to see Jacob again.

“John, look at all that it says.” Joseph gestures to the paperwork in front of him “Jacob was forced onto the streets. In a time of despair, where does one go?”

John considers the question for some time. Where does he go when he’s upset? Honestly, Nora’s. Or… “Home?” he says, unsure. “You think Jacob is in Rome?”

“Rome is how I found you, after all. Tomorrow, we’ll go and search for our brother. We will find him soon enough.” Joseph says confidently, a subtle smile settling on his face as he ponders the thought.

John purses his lips while he thinks. “I have an important meeting tomorrow in the morning.” And it really isn’t one he should be missing; canceling it wouldn’t just mean losing a client, but the case, too. “Perhaps we can call the local shelters first and leave after. I can clear up my schedule for the week after that.” he offers. Besides, they’re not likely to find him at the first place they go to.

Joseph doesn’t seem to appreciate the idea of delaying their quest even a minute. He grimaces at John, looking at him the same way he looked at Nora only days before- full of disappointment. John feels the regret of his words instantly. No, that won’t do. “Don’t you wish to find our brother soon?”

“I- I can call in one of the new guys. I’m sure they can cover for me.” he replies quickly, trying to mend the situation and get that approval back. “We can leave as soon as you want.”

Afterall, John didn’t get a law degree to be a lawyer. He got a degree to tell other lawyers what to do. Might as well take advantage of that. He’s sure the newbies could use the overtime, anyways. And if the client has questions, they can call him.

Yes, they would go search for their brother together. This would be the start of something new.

Joseph has been revealing more about his plans with John, little by little. He discusses the vision he saw as a child and reminds John of the Voice once more. He speaks of a greater purpose for him and his brothers, to save people as a family, and find peace and true life of their own.

He wants to start a church, John knows that much. He doesn’t give many details, but says they can help others. John hasn’t been to church in a very long time. Once, after moving away from his parents, he tried a small community church in Atlanta. It was so much different than what he had experienced before. People were friendly and kind and spoke about love instead of sin. But he couldn’t think of anything but his parents every time he heard the word ‘god’, despite knowing the two groups spoke of entirely different gods, and chose not to go back.

The same is true of Joseph, and John doesn’t know what to think. He just wants to be a family again, and if Joseph sees that as a religious experience, then that’s fine. He knows his brother is wise, and anything he says must have some value. Even if John doesn’t want to do everything Joseph says, he won’t disappoint his brother and keeps an open mind. Joseph says there is much more to be revealed to John, and only some of it can be revealed now. However, that does mean he has also been ‘requesting’ that John follow some rules as well.

It’s a beautiful sunny day when, on her drive home through heavy Atlanta traffic, Nora is notified of an incoming call from John. She hasn’t seen him in a few days while he’s been busy with Joseph. Though, she’s been trying to keep tabs on him through texts and short phone calls when he has time. Upon answering, she is welcomed by his reassuring statement, “I’m sorry”

“For what?”

“For what I’m about to ask you”

“How scared should I be?” she asks. Anticipating this is going to take her to his house, she switches lanes to be closer to the upcoming exits.

“Can you just go get all the booze from my garbage bin and take it home with you?”

Seriously?! She knows this isn’t a John thing. John loves drinking. He doesn’t always drink a lot, but he loves having a drink after a long day. No- this is a Joseph thing. John has made a few comments that are making her think his brother is a bit controlling.

She scoffs, sarcastic in her response. “Sure. Lets just do whatever Joseph says even though we know he’s wrong.”

“Nora.”

“Johnathan” she replies defiantly

“That’s not even my name.” he whines.

“John Duncan. Stop letting your brother bully you just because he’s your brother.” she barks back, emphasizing his name to scold him.

“I’m not! I just didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable.”

Uncomfortable. Right. She’s not buying it. If that was the case, John could have just stashed it in his closet or something. Throwing it all out is an act of forced religious solidarity, but if she says that, he’s going to get mad. Sure, maybe Joseph thinks he’s helping John. But it’s not like one drink is going to send him straight to hell.

“I’m drinking all your garbage alcohol, and you’re not getting a drop back,” she says. She’s just going to let him think this one over; he won’t last long without it, after all. “Especially the Hibiki.”

John laughs at that, only encouraging her to become more onry when a beat up SUV cuts her off, increasing her frustration. “Forget about that. I’m drinking it all tonight.”  

“I’m going to end up taking you to the hospital, and you’re just going to convince Joseph he’s right.” John chuckles.

“You’ll have to explain to him that I got the drinks dumpster diving at your request, first.” she snarks back. “Anyways, I’m going to hang up on you now before I get killed in an accident because Atlantans can’t fucking drive. I’ll be stealing your booze back for you in a few.”

She cuts off the phone before John can say anything. She should be more gentle, but she just can’t right now. He doesn’t seem affected though, texting her quickly.

It doesn’t take her long to get there, only a five minute detour from her normal route home. Before long, she’s parked outside of the gates of John’s house, crawling out to look through his fucking trash. There’s a chill in the air, but nothing too bad today. Above her, trees filled with orange and brown leafs sway mockingly in the wind, there to witness what must look like an extremely undignified task. What on earth is she going to say if John’s neighbors catch her?!

She glances at her phone to see what he said.

**John 5:15pm**

<3 thank you, darling

His garbage bin is set outside of the gates, waiting to be picked up the following day. Nora sighs heavily, lifting the lid. He had the sense to use a clean one, and carefully placed the containers in there, the most expensive at the top- and those are very very expensive bottles, she knows. She gingerly places each container in her car, wrapping the more expensive ones in whatever she has available to protect them.

She doesn’t know if she’s more irritated that Joseph had him do it, that she has to fix it, or that she is holding several hundred dollars in a bottle right now.

**Nora**

Don’t darling me. This isn’t a fancy date. I’m in your fucking garbage can, not having a nice dinner before getting laid.

**John**

Oh, is that what you want? I can make it up to you ;)

**Nora**

Fuck you, Duncan

**Nora**

Figuratively, not literally.

 **John**.

:(

**Nora**

<3

“And don’t make me think about _that._ ” she mutters to herself, loading up the last of the alcohol into her car. This is an absolute disaster.

—

Joseph’s promises of peace and atonement become more and more tempting to John as he comes to realize how truly sinful he is. They go to Rome and search every homeless shelter they can find, but nothing comes up. And he’s filled with frustration once again.

To make matters worse, Johnson, the lawyer he assigned to take over his case, fucking messed it up. John loses it at the office, yelling and throwing a vase across the room. He hasn’t done that in quite awhile, normally keeping these outbursts to himself or at least less physical. John’s a mess, emotions whirling like a hurricane, dreams of his past keeping him up every night. But he has part of his family back. That should be enough for him.

Then there’s Nora. It’s been a few too many days since he’s seen her and it just makes him think about her more- filthy thoughts circulating his mind about how much he misses her, how much he wants her; late at night his brain conjures up imaginary images of her pinned to his mattress underneath him. And he hates it. She deserves better than a 27 year old man that can’t even control his temper.

He just needs to see her, though, desperate for the comfort of his best friend. John invites her to dinner with Joseph at his house. Perhaps he could bring them to better terms, too.

\--

Nora always found the nook in John’s house to be amusing; it tries so hard not to be imposing, faking a casual vibe, but one look at it screams opulence. The table isn’t huge like the one in his formal dining room, but it’s one big solid slice of wood from a rare species of tree that probably should be protected by the government instead of cut down. The modern metal legs and comfortable chairs are custom made, she knows. Above them hangs lights in varied lengths and sizes, a sort of modern chandelier.

It is there that Nora finds herself at an extravagant dinner seated next to John an trapped in awkward conversation with Joseph. Dinner sits in front of them, three courses already and they haven’t gotten to dessert yet; John is really quite the cook. He told her, once, that it’s because it was always his duty at their first adoptive parents’ house. He liked it because it wasn’t so physically demanding like the farm work, and he could sneak bites of whatever he was cooking. These days, he practically treats it like one of his art projects.

Joseph is explaining his plans to build a church in Rome again when Nora’s phone rings. John is listening carefully, but Nora swears this is all Joseph talks about and it’s the same thing as last time. Her step dad, Reggie, is an actual pastor, and even he doesn’t talk about church this much. So, she takes the phone call as an excuse to get away from it, excusing herself and stepping out into the hallway.

It’s just work calling to ask when she can come in for the mandatory annual training. Nothing exciting, but it’s better than hearing about Joseph’s destiny to reunite his family or having him stare at her and John like they’re some sort of social experiment.

She doesn’t listen to the phone call much, sending a silent prayer up that Jacob won’t be this weird. _Please_ let him not be this weird. She’s really trying to get along with Joseph, but he rubs her the wrong way.

Nora slips out of the hallway and back into the nook, only to find Joseph speaking to John.

“-don’t you realize how foolish this all is?”

“I was just trying to do something nice for you.” John replies sheepishly, his head hung low.

She could tell Joseph off now, but she wants to test him- to see how far he’ll take it.. Instead of rebuke Joseph immediately, she decides to see if he stops once he sees her. She doesn’t say a word, keeps her eyes to herself, and slips back into her seat next to John.

Joseph doesn’t stop, though, unashamed of his criticism against John. “It’s not just the dinner, John. It’s all of this. Look around you. Your life is full of more possessions than people. Even what you think is right is wrong.” Just those sentences would be enough to rile Nora, but she finds her mouth hanging agape, unable to respond immediately. “This is a selfish waste, always taking and taking while never giving. Your heart is wrought with sin, brother.”

‘Sin’ pushes her over the edge, full of untamed rage and a vicious need to protect John, _her_ John. “Did you really just say what I think you did?” she barks at Joseph. There’s an unsteady energy buzzing within her, one ready to jump into action if needed. Her voice escalates, but Joseph remains unnerved. “Where on earth did you get it in that thick skull that you can talk to John that way?!”

John looks at her in shock. He reaches out and puts a hand on her leg under the table, but she interrupts before he can stop her.

“No- John. You’ve given him so much and he’s criticising you for this.” She turns her attention to Joseph, ignoring John’s silent plea for her to stop. “Seriously? You’re the ungrateful-”

“Nora!” he says sternly, but it doesn’t dull her anger.

“It’s okay, John.” Joseph says as he reaches out to his brother. He addresses John as he speaks “She is lost, like many. You cannot only rebuke. You must love.” Slowly, he turns his gaze to Nora “One day you will understand, child.”

“Oh, f-” John squeezes her thigh painfully, interrupting her again mid-sentence. Perhaps in a different situation the touch would be exciting, but here it just confirms her worst fears; John is folding to his brother’s will, no matter how crazy it is becoming.

Does Joseph even realize what’s happening? Or is this just a behavior John learned from his parents that Joseph is so insensitive to? It just makes her angrier, but she reluctantly halts her insults for John’s sake.

“I’m sorry, Joseph.” John says, averting his eyes. The weakness in his voice just about kills her- or incites her to kill Joseph. She isn’t sure which.

Joseph doesn’t even seem to register how messed up the whole situation is, retaining his calm exterior “All’s forgiven, brother.”

She doesn’t stifle the glare on her face directed at Joseph. She wants to scream- wants to throw things. This is beyond inappropriate and sickening. She hates everything about it, and she’s beginning to hate Joseph. But she knows she has to discuss this with John in private. He won’t consider what she says if she’s only throwing insults at his brother.

John’s grip on her thigh loosens, but she stops him before he can fully retract his hand. Instead, squeezing his it reassuringly with her own before releasing him. She wants him to know she’s here for him. This isn’t some personal vendetta against Joseph. It’s about protecting John.

Charismatic as ever, he tries to continue the dinner like nothing happened. Nora directs all her attention to John, and takes up all his attempts at conversation, but she doesn’t ask Joseph anything or comment on what he says. It’s petty, but it’s all she can do to show her disapproval.

She doesn’t eat much for the rest of the night, all the food suddenly becoming bitter. Still, John packs her a to-go box of leftovers. As Nora leaves, Joseph wishes her a goodnight before John walks her to her car. At least he gives them privacy.

Nora tugs on John’s arm to bring him farther away from the house, down the path, and closer to the driveway before she speaks. “What is this all about?” she asks, voice low but filled with concern and suspicion in her eyes.

John leans on the pillar light at the end of the walkway. He looks at her with furrowed brows, hands shoved into his pockets “What do you mean?” he asks. He knows what she means, though. She can hear the defensiveness in his voice.

It makes her impatient, quick to answer “Is this the same shit your parents were into?”

“What?! No!” he exclaims, actually offended this time. “Nora, how could you think that?”

“John, don’t take it personally, okay? I’m just worried.”

“It’s not.” he says, voice dark and curt.

“Please, be careful.” she implores. She tries to make her voice soft and unimposing, but it doesn’t seem to calm him.

“He’s my brother.” John reiterates, emphasizing each word.

It doesn’t do anything to convince her. He hasn’t seen this man in twenty years, and as far as Nora can tell, he has the same delusions of sin and religion as his biological father. The fact he heard John’s whole life story in a day and still chose to dwell on John’s ‘sins’ is enough to convince her Joseph isn’t to be trusted.

Nora stares into John’s eyes as she considers his response, but she’s at a loss for words.

“I have to go. Joseph is waiting.” John adds when she doesn’t say anything.

“I’m sure he won’t mind waiting one minute.” Nora says, defiantly, as if to test him. John avoids her stare, rocking on his feet uneasily. She can see it- the way he’s so afraid to disappoint Joseph. Or afraid to be judged by Joseph? “Just don’t let him do what they did.”

John slams his hand forcefully into the pillar he had been leaning on, the sound of the impact reverberating through her ears. “Do not.” he says harshly, voice raised and darkness pooling in his normally bright eyes.

Nora jumps, instantly struck by an emotional hurt deep within her. He’s never ever snapped at _her_. Normally, even her presence is enough to calm him from snapping at other people. The reversal makes it sting more. She takes a few cautionary steps back, something between pain and anger set in her eyes.

“Nora-” he gestures to her, realizing his mistake, but he’s not mending it.

Her voice comes out distant and weak, all of this catching up with her too fast. “Goodnight, John.”

She rushes to her car without looking back, trying to hide the tear streaking down her cheek, pooling in malcontent. She’s just being foolish; he shouldn’t be able to affect her this easily. But there’s something else she can’t quite put into words. It’s almost like her John is slipping away from her, being replaced by another version of him she’s never met before. And it’s not the words that hurt her, but that she’s no longer impervious to his outbreaks, deemed less special to him now.

John steps inside his house, breathing heavily through his nose in an attempt to release some of his tension. She went too far, he tells himself. Comparing his parents to Joseph is beyond inappropriate, even for their friendship. But he lost control of his temper. What’s wrong with him? There’s an internal battle over whose fault it is, but in the end he knows it’s probably better if he just scares her away already.  

John runs his hands through his hair as he steps into the kitchen to see Joseph waiting for him expectedly. Joseph stares at him for a few moments, studying his expression from across the room; he has a way of doing that, seeing right into a person and seeming to understand what they are thinking.

He shakes his head at John, tisking before he speaks. “Brother, you must really control that wrath of yours.” he says calmly, seeming to understand something went down with Nora and John.

John hangs his head as shame washes over him, that old familiar feeling. He’s right. He should be ashamed of the rage that’s growing inside of him.

“My brother, don’t let the error of your ways destroy what you have fostered with Ms. Williams.”

“Yes, Joseph” he says, feeling the disappointment build up in him. He knows he’s right to think he doesn’t deserve this- Nora or Joseph. It bring up old feelings once abandoned, disgust and anger toward his sinful nature.

Joseph releases him, walking toward the window, he peers out as he speaks “There’s still hope for you. You can find freedom from these sins and mend what is broken.”

“How, though?” John asks, sparked with hope once more. Joseph keeps speaking of these concepts, but John has yet to learn what he means.

He hums softly before speaking “It is not yet the time for that. You will learn soon. The Pharisees and sadducees of this world may seem to have their lives together based on superficial socially constructed standards, but they would not sacrifice a piece of themselves for a loved one. You must decide who you want to be- of the world with its waste and comfort.” Joseph gestures to the home around them, John’s extensive collection of luxurious items and such, before moving his arms higher, toward the sky. “Or of something greater.”

He nods his head, turning the words over in his head.

Joseph’s words offer hope, but John feels discontent over his own situation. It doesn’t feel that simple, and what if he doesn’t know if he even wants what Joseph offers? What if he knows what he wants, but can’t let himself have it- have her.

\--

John and Joseph go back to Rome, spending long hours searching for Jacob. At times, they wander the bad parts of town just wondering if they’ll see his familiar face. Joseph is so natural with each and every suffering person there, but the same isn’t true about John- stiff and uncomfortable, untrusting of strangers.

He admires Joseph for that. He seems to attract the brokenhearted. John can talk anyone into doing anything, but no one flocks to him in admiration. He feels useless on these trips, mostly just tries not to complain about how much his feet hurt.

Two days pass and John hasn’t heard much from Nora. He missed a call from her, and he tried to text her back, but he just _couldn't_. It’s eating him apart. They’ve never gone this long without talking, but he doesn’t know what to say. His brain is a wreck, telling him it’s for the best. When did he forget that and start believing he could be good for her? He was right in the first place to think he doesn’t deserve her.

He sits on a barstool at his kitchen counter, staring at the blank screen of his phone with an empty text box as he tries to say _something_ to her. He groans in frustration, giving up to rest his head against the granite counter, the hard surface working to cool down his hot cheeks, probably red from how flustered he feels. How did he mess this up so bad?

“Brother?” Joseph says from behind him, surprising John. He jumps a little from being caught.

“Oh, Joseph!” John works to put on a happy face as if he didn’t scare away his best friend with two words. “I was just- uh, feeling a bit tired.”

Joseph smiles at him, amusement playing in his eyes. “It’s okay, John. I know it’s been a long few weeks.”

John nods his head, shoulders relaxing at the acceptance. He’s grateful to feel understood again.

“I wanted to talk to you about our plans.” Joseph says, slipping onto the barstool next to John.

“Of course, Joseph. What is it?”

“I’m going to spend a few days in Rome. I’d like to see what kind of people come out at night there and spend more time getting to know the shelter owners.”

“Great! I can get us a hotel close to downtown.” John says, clasping his hands excitedly, though Nora doesn’t escape his mind, tugging on his heart strings, telling him not to run from his problems. It’s useless, though. He needs to help his brothers.

But Joseph only holds out his hand to stop John. “No- only I will go on this part of the journey.”

“What?” John feels like a great privilege is being taken away from him. It starts a panic in the depths of his being, rising with each second. This is exactly how he felt every time he made a mistake with the Duncan’s, realizing his punishment was impending. But John doesn’t make that  connection. “I-I can help you, Joseph. I don’t mind, really.” He stutters, aching to gain ground on this.

“No, John, your help is here. Do not forget you have a company to run. Your connections are still vital for our cause right now.” Joseph lays a hand on John’s arm, his reassuring smile helping John to understand. “Don’t worry about me. We all have a part to play in this family.”

John nods his head, thinking over it. He hasn’t been to work more than once in these two weeks. Perhaps Joseph is right.

“Besides,” he adds “You seemed disjointed last time you left Ms. Williams. Perhaps you should mend things.”

“Yea,” John says “that’s a good idea.” He smiles at the thought, thankful for Joseph’s guidance once again. The only question is if she will even have it. He wouldn't blame her if she turned him away, after all.


	12. Peaceful Days and Stormy Nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there's less angst in this chapter?? 
> 
> Thank you for all the sweet comments! And thank you for sticking with this fic for so long!! You guys are awesome <3 <3 <3

John’s brain hasn’t stopped running since- well, ever. But it’s been particularly chaotic since Joseph announced he was headed to Rome. It makes it impossible to avoid the situation with Nora, now. He knows he needs to fix things, and he wants to, but there’s something terribly frightening about admitting his fragility to her- and to himself.

John gives Joseph a few hundred dollars for his trip. He offers to fly him or order a driver, but Joseph is set in his ways of simplicity, telling John that he should not be so concerned with comfort.

In the evening, after the sun has set on Atlanta, John prepares to fix this disaster. He feels like he’s being torn apart. One part of him going toward Joseph and one toward Nora. He just has to figure out how to handle this- handle himself.

Nora is working on a paper for school when a knock at the front door disturbs her. This late at night, she can guess who it is, but she doesn’t want to get her hopes up. John didn’t return her call after their fight two days ago. He’s angry and distant and it _hurts_ , and she’s tired and just wants things to go back to normal already.

She hadn’t realized how bad things were until she saw Joseph scolding him. Yea, it was weird. But she didn’t think that Joseph was affecting him that way. She figured it was mostly the disappointment of not finding Jacob or the bad memories Joseph’s presence drudged up that were upsetting John.

Slow steps in her fuzzy slippers take her to the front door, dressed in her rainy day norm of leggings and a sweater. She doesn’t bother checking the peephole, opening the door to see a guilty looking John Duncan, staring adamantly at the ground.

Stuck in silence, her eyes brush over him. Her heart is filled with sympathy at the sight. He looks like a mess! Dark circles under his eyes, strands of hair falling around his face from brushing it back too much, she can tell he’s under a lot of stress. In his hands, he’s gripping a brown take-out box like a peace offering. She bites her lip, furrowing her brows at him.

John’s eyes finally meet hers before he speaks, meek and quiet “Can I come in?”

“Depends what’s in the box.” she says dryly, though he knows it’s a joke. She wants to be hard on him, but she _can’t_. Instead, she has this bad habit of relying on sarcasm to break the ice. John never minds, though.

The corners of his mouth turn up as he pops the lid, revealing two slices of chocolate truffle cake- her favorite. Nora steps back, opening the door wide for him as a smile takes over.

There’s still a tenseness in the air, like thick fog of unsaid words. John quietly slips off his shoes before heading to her couch, always comfortable in her apartment. Nora gathers forks for both of them and a random glass of wine from John’s collection in her kitchen. She brings over the glasses, bottle, and utensils.

John smirks at her “That’s a good choice.”

“Yea? I guess trash wine isn’t always bad.” she chides, sitting next to him. John smiles but looks stiff otherwise.

Nora fumbles with the corkscrew long enough that John must feel bad for her or impatient because he takes it from her, carefully avoiding touching her. And it dawns on her, he hasn’t touched her at all since he got here. No usual hug, not even sitting close to her. Nothing. And the loss is harrowing. She tries to brush it off as an over exaggeration. Like she’s just being overly sensitive and it means nothing- John has no obligation to touch her all the time. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like her anymore… right?

He quickly opens their drink with ease, glancing at the cups set in front of him before turning to her. “Maybe we could skip the glasses tonight?”

She chuckles “Want to drink straight from the bottle? Fine with me.” He gives her a crooked smile, taking a long sip before handing it to her to take one of her own. There’s something so horrible and good feeling about drinking directly from a wine bottle. It’s both a glorious rebellion and a horrible admittance of defeat. “Long week, darling?” she asks, mimicking his usual pet name for her as she sets the bottle on the coffee table.

She watches him closely, observing the feelings that wash over him like her question opened a floodgate. His eyes search her face for something, a regretful look in his eyes.

“Nora-” he begins, stopping short.

“It’s okay, John.” she answers his unsaid words, bittersweet.

John nearly lunges toward her, pulling her close to him in a burst of emotions. She finds herself wrapped in his arms, leaning awkwardly against him, head on his shoulder with John nuzzling into her neck. Slowly, she returns the hug, shifting to a more comfortable position that brings her body closer to his.

“I’m so sorry!” he says remorsefully, muffled by her hair. “I’m so, so sorry.” The apology is about so much more than just snapping at her; it felt like something truly special between them was taken away from her in that moment, and John is trying to give it back- show her she is special to him.

It knocks the air out of her lungs- all of it. His desperation for her approval, the tightness in his grip on her as if she was the only thing that matters in the world, and how right it feels to be close to him like this.

“It’s okay, John. I’m sorry, too.”

“I don’t want to lose you.” he says softly as if it was meant to a secret, but slipped out anyways.

Nora holds him tighter “Oh, Johnny.”

Everything is becoming clearer to her. He’s spiraling. And while she’s sure some of it is just residual due to the time Joseph and John spent together being so traumatic. But she’s sure Joseph’s ‘gospel’ and religious piety is to blame for most- whether he intends harm or not is regardless; it doesn’t make a difference to her if Joseph loves John. She’s his best friend, and he means the world to her. She doesn’t want to see anything hurt him.

It’s hard to know what to do, though. Overstepping the boundary to point out what Joseph was doing only got her temporarily excommunicated and made John’s emotions more unstable. But she can’t just watch him fall apart. She wants to be there for him. She wants to take the pain away from him so desperately.

Her hand moves up to brush her fingers over his hair soothingly. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise,” she says softly. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

John sighs, not one of frustration or discontent, but of relief. He rests his head on her shoulder, still pressed against her neck. “Thank you.” he whispers. She can feel his breath, warm and close. She feels completely enveloped by him, and it’s perfect.

John stays in her arms for a few minutes before he pulls away, looking better than before. “I was supposed to show up with cake and save the day, but…” he looks away, chuckling at himself.

It feels like there’s a furnace in her cheeks, tinted red from the closeness and sweetness of the man in front of her. It makes her feel like she couldn’t stop smiling if she wanted to. “Oh, we can still eat cake and get wasted! I’m pretty sure I’ll believe anything you tell me if we drink enough.”

“You’re too perfect, my dear.” he grins, taking another drink from their shared bottle.

The night goes by so quickly, more wine opened and whiskey shots taken over drinking games. It’s not just the alcohol that has her feeling a weight lifted from her shoulders. It’s so precious to have this time with him again. Maybe it’s wrong of her to prefer alone time with John- it’s not like she doesn’t want him to spend time with Joseph. But there’s something that just clicks between them when they’re alone.

Late into the night, Nora makes the mistake of getting up for a glass of water. The whole world is a little blurry, she’s dizzy and unbalanced, but it makes her giggle. When she returns, John has sprawled out on her couch, taking up all available room on it. He lays across the couch with his head on a pillow, right where she was sitting before.

“Gee, thanks.” she says sarcastically “Can I sit down?”

John pretends to ponder her question for a moment. He looks even drunker than she is, slurring his words just a little. “Mmm, only if you want to be my pillow” he says, sitting up just enough for her to sit where his head was laying.

She’s a little reluctant, but it’s too tempting. So, she moves the pillow and sits down, letting him rest his head in her lap. He looks up at her, blue eyes piercing, despite the glaze over them. She tries to distract herself from how much she wants to run her hands through his hair or over his beard.

“You haven’t mentioned work in a while. Did you finally quit like I told you to?” she asks. She doesn’t know where to put her hands, so she lets one rest on his shoulder. She has no control over the little circles her thumb rubs against him.

“Of course darling. Just so I can spend all my time with you.” he teases. When Nora gives him a skeptical look, he adds “Nah, I decided to take the week off.”

“Good, you deserve it!”

John doesn’t reply; too busy staring at her, he doesn’t seem to be paying attention to the conversation much. He looks at her attentively. His eyes have an intensity in them like he’s taking note of every feature of her face. “Mm. You know you’re my favorite thing in the world?” he says lazily, voice soft and low. It sparks something in her, but she doesn’t want to let herself believe him.

“Your favorite ever?”

“Yea”

“Right” she says sarcastically.

“It’s true” John insists, a whiney sound in his words.

“And what about Joseph? You just found your brother.” she says accusatively.

“Right. Hmm.” John pretends to think about it for a moment, but seeing how much he’s drank, she knows not much thinking is actually happening. “No. You’re my favorite. You’re better to look at.”

Nora can’t help but giggle at his compliment, pink dusting her cheeks. “You’re cute.” she says. She can’t resist him any longer, finally giving in to the urge to run her fingers through his hair with her free hand. His hair is soft, and she loves the way it looks slightly messy, falling into his face.

John smiles more at her touch, contentment growing on his face. “Not as cute as you”

“What!? Did I just hear John Duncan say there’s someone more beautiful than him in this world?” she teases in response. She likes to give John shit for being so vain, but maybe that’s in part because she can’t deny he is beautiful. But that’s not because he tries so hard.

He chuckles at her, but doesn’t deny her teasing. “Only one.”

“You’re my favorite too,” she says, and she means it. But she knows he’s not telling the truth. She can’t shake the nagging feeling that tomorrow, Joseph will be back from Rome, John will be gone, and she will be alone.

John falls asleep in her lap not too long after that, and she’s stuck with the decision to accept her fate of being stuck on the couch or to risk waking him up to go to her own bed. In the end, she’s guilted by the bags under his eyes and the near angelic peace he seems to have achieved in her lap. John sleeps so quietly like this. His breathing is a steady rhythm, chest rising and falling under her hand. She tells herself she’ll just stay for a bit, but the alcohol in her system makes her eyelids heavy. It’s all so soft, and before long, her world turns to darkness too.

In the morning, she’s rudely awakened by painful bursts of sunlight reaching through her windows to blind her, a splitting headache instantly palpable. It’s too warm in her apartment and Nora feels like a heavy weight is on her, drained of energy and stuck with a hangover. When she tries to move, however, she realizes there is actually a heavy weight on her.

Memories of the night before come back slowly to remind her of John falling asleep in her lap, but how she ended up in this position is beyond her; they lay side by side on her couch with his arm slung over her waist, pinning her against his chest.

She has to admit, it’s not a bad situation to be in. After two days without John, and many others when he had been visiting Rome or preoccupied with Joseph, she’s been desperate for him. Being so physically close in such an intimate way is like something out of her best dreams. Still, Nora knows this isn’t something he meant to do, and that makes it feel wrong. She shifts slightly to test if she can move without disturbing him too much, but he only pulls her closer, nuzzling into her neck.

Their bodies held tightly together, she can feel all of him against her- from his warm breath on her neck sending shivers down her spine; his chest against her back; breathing slowly, muscular arms caging her in as if to keep her safe; right down to… _oh_.

A mixture of panic, embarrassment, and arousal hit her all at once, lighting her cheeks on fire at the realization. Nora’s mind blanks for a moment. It’s been a while since she’s woken up next to a man, but she’s not particularly unfamiliar with this situation- it’s probably just one of those _morning situations_ , right? It has nothing to do with her. Regardless, she’d rather not have him wake up to her ass pressed against him.

Okay, yes. It’s a little tempting to stay and see exactly how much of him there is to feel, but that seems both pervy and like she would be taking advantage of him, even if it would just be slightly inappropriate cuddling. But to be honest, Nora really doesn’t need to think about what’s in John’s pants any more than she already does.

She has to get out of his death grip snuggles before this gets awkward. Nora throws caution to the wind and lifts his arm to squirm out of his grasp. She almost falls off the couch in her attempt but manages to get up and on her feet. She wants to hurry out of the room, but the empath part of her insists she drape an extra blanket over John first.

She needs a shower- probably a cold shower. Maybe if he isn’t awake by the time she’s done, she’ll get a little nap in, but the pounding in her head makes that seem unlikely. Plus, does she really want to trust her imagination with dreams right now?

-

When John wakes up, it is no longer morning, but late afternoon. He finds himself in Nora’s apartment, but she’s no longer on the couch sitting next to him. He doesn’t remember much after a certain point in the night, but he slept well, vague memories of warmth and safety filling his mind. Actually, it’s the best he’s slept in a long time. Which is odd, considering he’s on a couch.

He hears the click-clack of Nora typing away at her laptop, only to realize she’s sitting at her dining table nearby. She’s likely been in the room while he snoozes for some time now. John props himself up on his elbows just high enough to peer at her over the back of the couch.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.” She says enthusiastically, knowing he detests mornings.

John only groans in response, his head throbbing slightly. “How long have you been awake?” he mumbles, running a hand through his hair.

“Long enough to know you snore,” she says, smirking.

“I do not!”

“Don’t worry. It was just for a tiny bit.” she rolls her eyes. “It was cute.”

John huffs, rubbing his face. He decides not to waste what little brain power he has right now on arguing with her.

“Do you want some coffee?” she asks sweetly. He loves the way her voice is so sincere. Teasing is fun and cute, but when she’s looking after him, the way she sounds- it just does something.

He looks at her with a lopsided smile and hooded eyes, unable to fully open them yet. “Thanks, dear. But I’d much rather have a shower if you don’t mind.”

“Of course, go ahead,” she says, pausing before she looks at him inquisitively. “John, if you knew you were coming over to get wasted, why didn’t you bring anything for the next day?”

John shrugs lazily as he gets up. “Didn’t want to make assumptions you’d take me back.” Even if it’s a joke, there’s some truth in it.

She shoots him a look “Don’t be stupid, John Duncan. You know I couldn’t say no to you in a million years if I wanted to.”

-

Nora finishes the last of her homework for the day while John is in the shower. There’s something so oddly domestic about waking up with him around her apartment like this. It’s comforting, and she can’t help but think this is how things should be.

Once he’s finished, they decide to go out for a very late brunch; John takes her to one of their regular places, a favorite of his. They end up spending the whole day together, wandering around downtown for a bit, window shopping, and relaxing at a coffee shop. It feels like they haven’t seen each other in ages, so there’s no shortage of conversation to be had. Nora manages to keep her mind off of her wake up call for the most part.

Their day out together was needed. Just having that time is making her relax more, and she can tell it’s helping him, too. Things are starting to feel normal again. That doesn’t mean she isn’t still worried about the situation with Joseph, but it gives her hope.

When they finally reach John’s house, the evening has just begun. Splashes of pink cover the clouds above them as the sun sets overhead. John pulls into his driveway, parking the car outside of the garage.

Something has been on Nora’s mind ever since they argued days ago. She can’t shake the thought of it, and even though they reconciled, she feels that she hasn’t addressed what she needed to. She doesn’t feel like she can wait another moment, stopping John before he can get out of the car.

“Johnny,” Nora says softly. She wants to be gentle, this time. She reaches over to him to grab his hand in her own before he can get out of the car. “Just a second.”

“Yea?” he says curiously.

“I just-” it’s hard to put together the right words that are going to make this go better than the last time. She’s oddly nervous, afraid to say the wrong thing. Nora bites her lip as she thinks, intertwining her fingers with John’s. And he lets her, returning the grasp to squeeze her hand in his. “About everything with Joseph- I just- whatever's going on or whatever you’re thinking-” she stumbles before finally spitting it out. “I need you to know you’re not sinful or broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. Please don’t believe that.”

John’s quiet for a moment. When she meets his gaze, she doesn’t know what to think of it. He almost looks stunned. A small smirk grows on his face “Don’t worry about me, Nora.” he says. Slowly, John brings her hand to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the back of it.

She nods her head, though devoid of enthusiasm. His comment doesn’t convince her. She can see he’s still thinking about it. Though, he smirks at her “Thank you, my dearest.” He quickly pecks her hand again before releasing her. “Now, come on- let’s head inside.”

-

When John unlocks the front door, there are lights on in the kitchen. He glances at Nora curiously before the two cautiously walk into his house. He goes first, pushing her back when she tries to walk next to him.

They must just be jumpy because when they turn the corner, it’s just Joseph scribbling in his worn notebook. John’s tension visibly melts away at the sight of his brother.

“Joseph, you’re back already.”

“Ah, brother.” Joseph glances up from his reading to look at John, warmth in his eyes and a soft smile on his face. “So glad to see you’re back- and with Ms. Williams. I was hoping we could discuss something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really could have ended the chapter before that cliffhanger, huh? Sorrryyyy. 
> 
> Also. I am deeply sorry for that heavily implied mildly sexual content. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Poor Nora. She's not going to be able to get that out of her mind any time soon...


	13. I'm Afraid to be Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning!! I'm working on final papers for the next two weeks, so the next chapter might not come out until I'm done. Thank you for your patience! 
> 
> Sorry for all the cliffhangers and excessive angst. I can't control this fic anymore and this chapter got out of hand and kind of depressing. I'll make it up to you guys, though! ;)
> 
> Thank you for all the support and kind comments, everyone!! <3

When John and Nora arrive at his house after their day out, they find the kitchen lights on in the back of the house, slivers of light streaming through dark hallways to alert them of it. Nora looks at John curriously, wondering if he left it on. The expression tells her ‘no’, and with Joseph in Rome, they’re both on high alert. They begin to head towards the light to investigate; Nora tries to walk next to him, but John gently pushes her back. As if he’s more capable of protecting them than her! It’s a nice gesture, but she knows she would be the one saving his ass.

Turning the corner into the kitchen, Nora notices John tense and then relax. Following him, she sees it’s just Joseph at the table, writing in a book. Her nerves are still on high alert. Though, they always are around Joseph.

“Joseph, you’re back already.” John says in surprise.

“Ah, brother.” Joseph glances up from his reading to look at John, warmth in his eyes and a soft smile on his face. “So glad to see you’re back- and with Ms. Williams. I was hoping the three of us could discuss something.”

“Did you find Jacob?” John asks curiously, walking toward his brother in the kitchen. Nora follows closely.

“Unfortunately, no… But I know we’ll find him when the time comes.” Joseph says calmly as he stands to face John and Nora. “For now, though, I believe it’s about time that you two understand the plans for us.”

Nora doesn’t like the sound of that. It puts her on edge, but it doesn’t take much to do that. She shifts closer to John, her fingers grasping at the sleeve of his jacket like a kid in need of comfort. Though, in part it’s coming from her urge to protect him. When he glances at her, she’s already furrowing her brow in concern. He gives her a reassuring smile before turning to Joseph.

“Anything, Joseph.” he says enthusiastically.

His enthusiasm isn’t long lasting, however. Nora watches the color fade from John’s face more and more the longer that Joseph talks; he describes visions he saw of their collective calling and, later, the end of the world. He calls it the Collapse, and he thinks he can save the last of mankind- the ones that he deems worthy. Each word makes it worse than the last, spiraling further and further out of control. He tells John about his plans to begin a church and reunite with their brother, each taking on a special role.

“We’ll return to Rome, but this time not as the unfortunate children of poverty and abuse, but as religious guides. And there, we will establish our flock and prepare for the Collapse.” he concludes.

Nora can’t quite grasp what she’s hearing, what he’s described. It’s horrible, and horrific, and most of all crazy. Joseph described hearing voices for goodness sake, and he thinks that’s enough to start a cult. It’s a coping mechanism, and a dangerous one at that. Of course, that’s how most cults start, don’t they? People who believe they’re doing the right thing, no matter the means.

“I- Joseph, I don’t know what to say.” John replies. He’s gone rigid listening to his brother, not even interjecting in the story once. She teases, but it really is rare to see him be silent in a conversation so long.

Joseph purses his lips in response and she can tell that he was hoping for something more enthusiastic. Still, he doesn’t seem any less determined. “I didn’t want to extend this offer until I was sure you would be ready to take on the responsibility. I believe you both would serve our purpose well.”

“I- Excuse me? What?!” Nora spits out unevenly. Joseph might be crazy, but she didn’t think he was dumb; and he has to be dumb to think she would agree to help him with shit. It almost makes her angry at the implication.

“I understand we have our differences, but it’s nothing you can’t atone for. You’ll both find freedom and forgiveness in this.” Joseph explains.

John takes an instinctual step in front of Nora, separating her from Joseph. Joseph’s words are hopeful and comforting- freedom from sins and mistakes, but John can’t deny his skepticism over the collapse and the Voice. But Whatever his brother plans, that’s between them. Nora has no place being dragged into this.

Joseph smiles widely, lifting both hands to gesture to John “Come with me! Forsake your old ways- let John Duncan die and become John Seed again. And with our brother, we will go to the land we have been promised. We will prepare for the Collapse there and when the time comes, we will walk through Eden’s Gates together.”

“John?” Nora murmurs quietly. He feels her tug at his sleeve again, but he can’t look at her; his eyes are stuck on Joseph. _John Seed._ That’s a name he hasn’t heard in a long time...

He runs his free hand through his hair, pieces falling out into his face, but he can’t be bothered to care. “Joseph, are you sure?”

“This is our calling, John. It always has been. Do you really doubt that? Perhaps your sin is greater than I thought” Joseph mutters.

“Oh-” Nora begins, but not before John can reach behind him to tightly clasp her hand in his, stopping her before this gets too far out of his control.

“I’m sorry.” he interrupts. “I don’t think I fully understand, though.”

His brother looks at him thoughtfully “I understand it is a big decision to make, only complicated by the presence of Ms. Williams. I know you’ll choose the right thing. It’s in your destiny, after all. Regardless, I don’t need your answer this second. Think about it. I trust your eyes will be opened.” Joseph’s gaze shifts to Nora slowly. “Perhaps, both of you… “

“Thank you.” John says softly, a wave of relief washing over him at his brother’s understanding.

Joseph gazes at them for a moment, seconds ticking by at an achingly slow pace as he evaluates them, looking for something. John is reluctant to show his confusion. He wants to make Joseph happy, but he doesn’t know what to think right now. “I’m going to retire for the night. I’m sure you two will need to talk about it.” Joseph finally offers.

John nods his head silently in response, eyes downcast. Somehow, this didn’t end up being the cheerful day he was hoping for.

“Do not burden yourself with worry, John. ...” Joseph smiles, stepping closer to him. He feels Nora step back from them quickly at Joseph’s approach, but Joseph only leans in to rest his forehead against John’s momentarily, the way they did when they were young. That silent symbol of love and comfort. With that, Joseph disappears down the hallway, up the stairs, and into his bedroom for the night.

John and Nora stand frozen, waiting until they are sure he’s far gone and stunned into their own silence.

The silence is deafening, chaotic thoughts and panicked emotions colliding in his mind, John feels the tear between his desire to make his brother proud and to do what he wants. The urge to accept a family, and the request to leave all he has behind. Between all that, somehow the thought of protecting Nora remains. He doesn’t know where this is going, but something deep inside him tells him that he can’t let her even consider Joseph’s offer.

“You should go.” He says, far too abruptly.

She looks frazzled and surprised by his rashness. Maybe she doesn't understand, but he doesn't want this to become another argument. She should just leave him to mull over his options.

"I'll drive you home."

She seems to sense his tenseness, offering an alternative "I'll just order an Uber, its okay."

John wants to argue, protest that he can be the one to take care of her, but she’s probably right. With so much on his mind, he’s not sure he could focus on the road. And a car ride home with her could only go a few ways, and none of them would be particularly helpful for this situation.

They wait outside his house for the car to come, as if leaving the building Joseph is in could offer them more comfort to speak. It doesn’t help, really, silence sticking around as John glowers at the floor, his lip caught between his teeth. Cool air flowing around them, the only noise he can hear is the rustling of trees, leafs brushing each other calmly.

Nora nervously rubs the pads of her middle finger and thumb together, watching John closely. He knows she’s itching to say it already. The anticipation is nearly killing him.

Finally, she breaks the quiet. "John." she says it more assertedly than before in his house, and he knows she's not going to drop it without something in return. But he doesn't doesn’t have an answer for her or Joseph.

"Let's not do this right now." he says curtly, though not without consequence. Her face immediately turns in hurt. It's only a subtle microexpression, but he notices it.

John lets out a deep breath, trying to release some of the chaos going on in his mind. He bridges the gap between them in one large step, quickly placing himself directly in front of her.

"Nora, darling, please don't worry about me." Against his better judgement, he lifts his hand to brush the back of his knuckles along her cheek, just as he had done a few weeks ago, the first night his brother was here. Then, it was with excitement and joy. Now, all he feels is melancholy.

She looks up at him with wide eyes, lips parted slightly, and he thinks it’s one of the most beautiful things he’s ever seen.

He wraps his arms around her to pull her close, placing a long kiss onto her forehead, shifting to lean his forehead against hers like he has only a few times before. He stays like that until his mind begins to clear and the panic set inside him clams a little. He only pulls back far enough to look into her eyes. And he knows that she understands now what the action means, having seen Joseph bestow it upon him.

He wants to say something, but he can’t. Even if he could, the two are interrupted by the loud honk of the Uber car, having pulled up when they were distracted. John steps back, suddenly self conscious and embarrassed. They murmur their goodbyes, pink dusting both their cheeks as Nora hurries to the waiting driver.

-

By the time Nora finally gets home, every turbulent emotion she has felt over the past few days finally catches up with her. She just wants to relax and go to bed, but her mind is irrational and racing through every worst case scenario it can conjure up. She didn’t have words for Joseph’s speech. She didn’t have words after, either. And John prevented her from saying anything. She would normally be screaming obscenities at the slightest threat to John, but this- this is something so different. She can’t do anything, left with nothing to go on but his delusional brother’s innocent invitation.

And what is she to do about that? Accuse him of every wrongdoing she believes he harbors and suffer her losses when John cuts her out of his life? No. She can’t do anything. At least not until John makes a decision.

Nora goes through her nighttime routine with a mechanical detachment. She might have put moisturizer on twice without noticing, but she doesn’t care. She just wants to curl up in John’s hoodie and tell herself everything will be alright. But when she falls into bed only to find it isn’t there- returned to him last week, that’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. It’s like the loss of a tangible reminder of his place in her life is just a metaphor of what is to come.

She can’t hold back the tears anymore; she can’t lie to herself about what’s happening and so what if it makes her horrible for hating it. But the idea of a world without John… without her best friend there. She sniffles as hot tears stream down her face. She just has to accept it now, let it flow. Nora pulls the comforting blankets around her tighter and lays down, pressing her face into the mattress. She just feels like giving up. Her heart aches, physically aches, and she feels pathetic wallowing in her foreseeable loss.

How could something that was supposed to be so good turn out so bad? Nora was right to feel apprehensive with Joseph at first. She’d love to believe if John goes with him, they’ll have a happy family again, but she sees what’s happening. She sees the way he does everything for Joseph’s attention. How he scrambles for approval and hangs on every word. She can tell John doesn’t agree with him, but she doesn’t know if he has the strength to say ‘no’, and maybe that’s what makes her heart hurt the most.

She wouldn’t lose her friend just in location; there wouldn’t be any late night visits or weekend trips; she would watch him drift away, indoctrinated out of desperation for love, destined to forget her forever. And the way that kills her- _she knows he’s so much more than a friend._

The fact she can only admit that now only makes the tears flow more. She closes her eyes and lets the feeling overwhelm her, like drowning in bed. Little gasps for breath between pathetic sobs of helplessness tell her anxiety is colliding with her desolateness. Great. She hates feeling so weak and needy like this.

In his own bed, John stares at his ceiling, sprawled out on the luxurious sheets. His room is only illuminated by strands of moonlight cast through the large windows. He always keeps the blinds open when he feels restless. Something about the cool hues of blue taking over calms him. But that’s not working tonight.

His newly developed identity is colliding inside of him, and it’s tearing him apart. John spent so much of his life yearning for a real family after they were ripped from his life. Even with his brothers, he would never have real normality. But he’s learned how not to hate himself over the past few years. Not fully. He still has doubts and anger, but he’s learned to enjoy life and see beauty in things and see the lies in others- like his upbringing. Maybe if he was still entrenched in their teachings, he would have no problem embracing the Collapse and walking away, but there’s something else.

An awful feeling is gnawing at his gut- has been since their talk with Joseph. And then there’s his Nora. Oh, how he’s messed this one up. He wouldn’t blame her if she never talked to him again after this. But that’s not who she is. She’s always there for him.

He pulls his phone off the nightstand at last, clicking on her name from his recent calls folder. She’s one of the only people he ever calls outside of work. That’s because she’s all he has- all he had. The thought makes him feel so much worse. Before he can think too long about it, he hears the ringing stop, silence on the other end, but he knows she’s listening.

Nora sees the incoming call the second her phone starts buzzing. Of course, he would call while she’s still crying over him. Great. She’s slowed down by now, but she knows she can’t hide the sniffling from him for long. She takes deep breaths, waiting momentarily before answering, but she can’t find words to speak.

Through the silence between them, she hears his voice, hushed and weak, and filled with melancholy “I’m sorry” he pauses, she remembers starting a conversation about dumpster diving for booze like this. It makes her smile, but only bittersweet. “Again.”

Nora pauses before responding, trying to gather her thoughts. “For what?” she whispers. She can guess, but she needs to know if he cares. Her fear tells her this is a goodbye call and she has to try and try to shove that idea back from the hell it came from, lest she breakdown right now leaving him to listen.

“For everything. For dragging you into this. I know you don’t like Joseph, but…” John trails off. She doesn’t know if he even knows what he wants to say.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Johnny.” she tries to reassure him, stifling a sniffle. “And it’s not that I don’t like him. I just don’t like the way he’s talking to you. And this crazy theory-” It’s a sensitive subject, she knows. But she can’t stop herself from saying at least some of the truth. “I don’t like watching you try to earn love that’s supposed to be unconditional.”

John doesn’t jump to reply, almost meek. “He does love me.”

“I didn't say he doesn’t.” She doesn’t want to step on his toes. Of course, Joseph loves John. That doesn’t mean it’s healthy, though.

“You know our past…”

She does. She’s a psych major, afterall. She knows how common it is for separated relatives to have some kind of discordance when reunited. After years apart, it’s not crazy to think Joseph would have a hard time seeing who John is. Instead of getting to know him like a new person, he expects the 27 year old man to be as innocent as the child he left, only becoming disappointed when John isn’t. But the attribution and judgement of sin coupled with the absurdity of Joseph’s plans… it’s something else- something worse to her. And it scares her.

“Yea, yea of course. I know” she breathes deeply “I just- I-” She knows what she wants to say: ‘ _I’m afraid to lose you’_ , but that’s too selfish and too much and she can feel her throat getting painfully tight at the thought. “I just want to protect you. That’s all. And this whole time you’ve- you’ve been doing crazy things for his approval. And- and if-” Nora sputters, unable to even complete the thought ‘ _if you leave…’_

John seems to understand. “I know, babygirl. I know” He says sweetly, nearly whispering his sentiment “Thank you.”

Why does he have to choose that pet name out of all the ridiculous things he’s called her? He’s only ever called her that through drunk birthday texts, and it makes her sniffle again. “Hey, are you okay?” John asks softly.

“Are you?”

Neither answer, but that’s enough to know their answers. Instead, they lay in silence, miles away from each other in separate beds, drifting to sleep together, unable to say anything that’s really on their minds.

-

John wakes up early in the morning, unable to sleep for long. He tries not to think as he gets ready, pulling on the usual: a button up shirt and jeans. When he makes his way downstairs, Joseph is nowhere to be found. He takes the time to pour himself a cup of coffee and think further on his course of action, sitting at his dining room table.

His mind is simultaneously full and empty. There’s so much to process. He’s been hearing about Joseph’s plans for the past few weeks, but to hear they are attributed to a Voice in his head predicting the end of times… He’s either a madman or right- maybe both. He knows what he has to do. He doesn’t feel good about it, but what other option is there?

Whether Joseph is right or not doesn’t matter. What matters is that he wants- _needs_ his family back. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, really. From what Joseph’s told him, he’s already following most of the rules, unwillingly, be it. No alcohol: sure he can stash it at Nora’s. No fornication: unfortunately he learned very long ago that wasn’t going to be something he does as long as Nora is around.

But then there’s his struggle with other sins. Joseph is right; he’s wrought with it. He can’t keep his anger under control, and he’s filled with greed and sloth just as bad as all the fake elite he used to spend so much time with. How different is he, really, than the man who illegally handed over everything to Jacob’s name for a chance to hang onto his old vices?

John finishes his coffee, staring out the window mindlessly. That’s when he notices Joseph sitting in his garden, battered leather book open on his lap, scribbling away as always. John feels himself smile slightly- it’s something, at least. He is happy to have his brother.

He reluctantly pulls himself from his chair, slipping out the sliding door to join Joseph outside. It’s cold today, overcast outside with a nasty wind in the air, but his brother doesn’t seem to mind.

“Good morning, John.” Joseph says cheerfully, looking up from his writing.

John glances at the book only to see chaotic scribbles of a scene of destruction, fire and cracked streets depicting the annihilation of a small town he doesn’t recognize.

“Have you thought more about what we discussed last night? Are you ready to pursue our destiny- as a family?”

John casts his eyes downwards. There’s only one answer he can give- he needs this. He needs his family. He needs what Joseph offers. He needs freedom from his sins. He needs love. “Yes.”

“Ah, wonderful.” Joseph smiles widely, gathering himself to his feet. He stands with open arms to John, approaching him in a tight hug. “I am so glad to hear that.”

His embrace and affection is enough to comfort John a bit. He’s getting his family back. Isn’t that all that should matter?

“And Ms. Williams?” Joseph asks curiously as he steps back. That’s the sore spot in John.

“Nora won’t be joining me, no.” he explains.

“That’s really a shame. I thought for sure, seeing your love for her, she would follow you anywhere.” Joseph says it like it’s a casual fact, but John can barely believe his ears.

His love for her? When did he ever say that? He stammers, trying to respond “What?”

There’s amusement in Joseph’s eyes, as if there was humor in John’s words. “Brother, don’t be foolish. Even the blind could see the look in your eyes when you see her. Don’t be discouraged, though. God has a plan for us. Nothing can stop that.” Joseph says reassuringly, clasping his hand on John’s shoulder “If not, remember, some things may only lead us into temptation. It is not without sacrifices that we will find our place.” His ending sentiment only unnerves John, an underlying darkness in Joseph’s eyes, but he tries to shake it off.

John only nods his head; he knows this is supposed to be a new beginning, but he only feels empty inside, like he’s losing his chance for the one thing he’s wanted most all this time.

Moving shouldn’t feel like the end of the world, but something tells him Joseph might not enjoy his brother sneaking away every weekend to see the woman who opposes him so strongly. Though, Joseph has yet to realize that.

It’s not just that, either. John knows, somewhere deep inside of him, that this step will tear them apart. Whether she forsakes him now or later, he’s sure it will happen. And it probably ought to for her sake. But he can’t stop his selfishness, feeling the weight of loss on his heart.

John is quiet as Joseph leads him inside the house to discuss their plans more. Sitting back at the dining table in front of the empty coffee cup, Joseph goes on about the greatness of what they will become and their holy appointment. Maybe if John could hear him, he would be excited. Maybe if he wanted to be someone else, he would be happy.

“John? Are you paying attention?”

John’s eyes shoot up from where they had been glued to the table. He finds his hands wrapped around the empty cup as if it could anchor him to reality. “Oh, I’m sorry. I-”

“I understand. I knew atonement would be a sensitive topic for you, but it is something we must all go through.”

Is that what they were talking about? Just another thing to add to John’s list of worries. How could he not, with his history. He’s been trying to avoid the topic though. “Joseph, what does atonement mean?” John asks.

Maybe he shouldn’t have. Maybe he should have waited until he was more confident in his decision. Joseph’s description of physically purging his sins does little to calm John.

“You must understand and truly embrace it in your soul before it can be done. Only then can you be truly free from sin.” he explains after telling John about the process.

Joseph studies John closely, watching his every move as John tries to take in the information. Comparatively, it would be a relief from the suffering he faced at the hands of his parents. But when he’s gone so long without it... He doesn’t want to disappoint his brother, but to mark himself with his sins for all to see in the name of repentance- John knows he has to make a choice because it cannot be once; The recognition of atonement will be a lifelong one or none at all. To dredge up those memories again, he will be battling the same wars once more.

“You will have lasting forgiveness, John. You can be yourself again. Isn’t that what you always wanted?” Joseph says curiously at John’s lack of enthusiasm.

“Yes.” he mutters quietly, unable to tear his mind from his doubts. Become himself again? What does that mean? “Joseph- who am I? Who will I be?”

Joseph’s eyebrows rise; he looks surprised John would ask that question, but of course he has an answer. “You’re John Seed. Though unrighteously, you have been given a gift to understand and accept your sins. Through this, you can bestow that same gift to others to ensure our flock is righteous. You’re destined for great things.”

John closes his eyes and lets the words wash over him, contemplating them until they turn bitter, spoiling like food once delectable becoming horrid and rotten. He is to bring others to understand their sinful nature and mark them with their sins in return.

\--

John withdraws into his bedroom not long after their conversation. He doesn’t want to burden Joseph further with his weaknesses, but he can’t help but dwell on his past. And his present, unsure of his ability to live up to his brother’s expectations. It’s not that simple. All he knows is to atone through pain- lashes, cuts, bruises, or not at all. He feels like a whole bus load of information has been dumped on him at once, leaving him unsure of what to be upset about first.

John paces the room anxiously; none of Joseph’s attempts to calm him worked at all. If anything, it’s gotten worse, worry morphing into full blown distress. He feels like all his energy has coiled in his gut with chaotic thoughts indiscernibly whirling in his mind. He can’t parse out a single sentence, driving him closer and closer to indignation.

He just needs something- anything to dull the irritability and prevent him from breaking apart. His fingers twitch at the thought. He’s sure he has something in here. When he gave up drugs, he didn’t bother cleaning out his whole house; it was more of a natural loss of interest than a forced purge.

John yanks open his dresser drawers, frantically pulling out the contents to search the bottom corners for any pill containers, loose powder, or rolled joints that he might have forgotten about. One after another comes up empty until, finally, in the corner of his sock drawer he finds a small joint. Holding it between his fingers, he steps back to examine it in the light. Old, yes. But it seems dry. Might not have as strong of an effect as new stuff, but he’s sure it’s fine. However, something in him makes him pause. Does he really want to take that step? Pot is just pot, that’s not the problem- it’s the lifestyle he had attached to it before.

Memories flood into his mind once more of the last time John got high. The smoke filled house party, declarations of love and hatred between his ex, a symbolic abandonment of pretending to be someone he’s not. The grimy images shift to something else: burgers and milkshakes, friendship and comfort, but most of all, caring touches and lips nearly meeting. _Nora_. Oh, his Nora.

John shoves the joint back into his sock drawer, empty hands grasping for his car keys. He knows what he should do. He has to tell her his decision. He has to know if she’s going to abandon him or not. He has to see her. His mind is made up in an instant; he doesn’t even think of Joseph- just where he wants to be. Hurried steps take him down the stairs and toward the front door. It isn’t until he’s nearly got the door open that he hears the voice.

“John?” Joseph says, watching him with quizzical eyes.

“Joseph!” John jumps in surprise, hyper focused on his goal. His hand stays firmly wrapped around the door handle, the best fake smile he can muster spreading across his lips. “I’m going to head out for some air.”

But Joseph sees right through him. Somehow he knows what a mess John is. Joseph takes a slow step toward him, sensing his tension. “Brother, you’re not thinking straight. Please, come sit down with me. We can pray about it together.”

John’s grip on the door handle tightens, Joseph’s words grating on his nerves. “I’m fine. I just need to take care of something.” he says through gritted teeth. Joseph might just be concerned, but John doesn’t need to be babied all the time. He’s an adult, for fuck’s sake.

“If you run away every time you feel doubt, you will only fall back into your sinful ways. Don’t be brash. It can wait until you’re more level-headed.”

John feels a string inside of him snap at the reminder of his errors, and his anger takes over once again. “Not everyone can be like you, Joseph!” he exclaims, bitterness dripping from his voice. It’s not a tone he’s ever used with Joseph before- not in adulthood and not in childhood. The shock is visible on Joseph’s face. Just another reminder John isn’t who he thinks he is- and he never will be.

Instantly saturated with guilt he stammers to undo his utterance “I- I’m sorry”. He doesn’t look back as he rushes out of the house leaving Joseph behind so he doesn’t have to face the disappointment and damage he’s caused.

John pulls out his phone before slipping into his car and heading to his destination.

 **John 8:30pm**  
I’m coming over. We need to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again. I'm so sorry. I'm upset, too. This chapter almost killed me- especially Joseph.
> 
> It gets better- I promise.
> 
> If it wasn't clear, he wants to help John but he doesn't really understand who John is or how he can help him. This is an au for John, but up until now it's been canon for Joseph. Just keep that in mind...


	14. I Don't Want Love No More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the first chapter I (kinda) wrote for this fic!! I had to change most of it, but it's still exciting to finally get to share it with everyone. (Just a reminder, this fic is rated M. Proceed with caution)
> 
> Also- Thank you again for all the nice comments! It's been really fun to see your reactions and what everyone has thought about it all so far. You guys are so encouraging! I don't know if I would have written this much without you all <3

**John 8:30pm**  
I’m coming over. We need to talk.

Nora could feel her heart in her throat the second she got the text. It’s so ambiguous, she can’t tell if this is an invitation to console him over denying his brother or to say goodbye. She tries not to think about it, busying herself in her apartment with shaky hands and anxiety running rampid deep in her gut.

Waiting for him to arrive is the worst part; fifteen minutes stretch to feel like hours or even days when she so desperately needs to see him. She’s been waiting to hear from him all day since their late night conversation. But she refrained from calling him in fear of being pushy or interrupting something important. Now, though…

The second she hears the knock at her door, Nora drops what she’s doing without a second thought, rushing to answer it, maybe a little too eager. She halts before the door, breathing deeply to calm herself before pulling it open.

She’s greeted with the sight of John, flustered and unhinged, breathing a little heavy from rushing up the flights of stairs to her apartment. She doesn’t feel much more put together, honestly. Neither say a word for a beat, collecting themselves after long awaited anticipation for the conversation.

Nora forces herself to break the silence. “Hey” she says softly. She wraps her arms around her stomach as she steps to the side to allow him to enter, holding onto herself as if it could protect her from whatever bad new John may bare.

“Hey” John replies as he slips off his shoes. His voice is dull, lips pursing as he stares at her wordlessly, whatever he wanted to say stuck in his throat.

She can tell from the mix of wistful and pained expression and the strands of bangs knocked out of place hanging around his face that his news isn’t good. He doesn’t say a thing though, watching her carefully. She could just roll with it, savor one last night with him. Put off the inevitable. But that doesn’t seem possible, as the tension in the room might be too thick to cut with a knife.

Nora walks slowly to the living room, only turning to face him once they’ve reached it. He leans against the wall, eyes glued to her. “Are you okay?” she asks curiously, only getting a nod and half-assed smirk from him in return. “Johnny, do you just want to get this over with?”

“I guess,” he says solemnly. “Look, I don’t want you to even consider what he said. But I-”

“John, please don’t do this. Please.” she blurts out, unable to keep it inside anymore. She can’t sit back and watch anymore. Friendship be damned, this is about what’s best for John. And this isn’t it.

“Nora, you know I have to.”

She can see the pain on his face, and it only spurs her on more. “John, you don’t need atonement- whatever that means. You don’t need all this shit.” She exclaims.

“That’s not-”

She’s trying to get all the words out, but her mind is barely working. “Look, I get it if you want to be with him, but you don’t even believe him!” She’s right, and she knows it, can see it in the way his expression changes to become more defensive.

“He’s my brother.” John replies curtly, moving away from the wall to stand firmly. His fists are balled at his sides and she can hear his voice getting louder and tenser. Hell, she can hear the same in her own.

If she was smart, Nora would realize she needs to calm down, but she’s hurt and panicked and mad, and she can hear herself yelling already. “This is fucking stupid!! He’s manipulating you!!”

“Why can’t you understand this??” John shouts back, raising his voice more than she’s ever heard.

“Why can’t you?!” Nora shrieks, no longer able to control anything coming out of her mouth. “This is a horrible idea! You can find Jacob without that. You don’t have to join a cult! He’s fucking insane!”

She watches as something inside of John snaps. Gritted teeth, he turns from her, fist nearly colliding with the wall nearest to him, only barely stopping himself before putting a hole in it. “Fuck” His muscles tense, hand clenching and unclenching in a feeble attempt to release the tension. “Nora, why can’t you just stay out of this!?” he spits out like venom, still not looking at her.

And it hurts. It hurts so bad that he would think this has nothing to do with her, and suddenly she’s beginning to understand exactly what she means to him.

“Don’t you realize? This is a chance for me to have a family. To be loved for the first time ever. Do you get that? No. Your family is shitty, but not like this. No one has _ever_ loved me before.” He’s no longer yelling, but the darkness seeping from his voice is nearly tangible.

The words hit her like a bus, pressing into her already open wounds. It’s like he couldn’t say anything worse than that utterance, and she feels herself begin to unravel because of it. “Am I _nothing_ to you?” There’s a tightness in her chest and aching in her throat as she tries to push down the tears that threaten to escape. “After all this time I’ve loved you?”

So caught up in the impact of John’s words, Nora doesn’t even realize the words that escape her mouth until it’s too late. The room goes dead silent as a sheet of tension falls over both of them. Neither of them move a muscle. Nora isn’t even sure if she’s breathing; it’s the kind of silence that stops one from thinking, seemingly pausing the world around them.

She isn’t sure what she fears more: that he’ll outright deny her or that he’ll accuse her of making up things to persuade him. That’s not what she intended though. It’s the truth. It’s always been the truth.

John turns to face her slowly, looking even more disheveled than before. His eyes are big and dark, fixated on her like a wolf hunts its prey. But she can’t discern his emotions. “What?” he says firmly, eyebrows knitting together.

Fuck.

She’s overwhelmed by the urge to hide; if she could float away from this conversation to never be seen again, it would probably be less painful than whatever is about to come. Still, she forces herself to explain the best she can, choppy words, shaking hands, and stuttering voice. “I know you don’t feel the same way- at least, not romantically, but I do. You’re all I have. I thought… I thought that meant something to you.”

John’s expression shifts to something darker. Something that screams ‘danger’, but sends shivers down her spine as he takes long strides toward her. “Say it again.”

Is it a request or a threat? She doesn’t know. Losing this confession leaves her feeling vulnerable and afraid. His insistence to leave with Joseph was only confirmation of what she suspected- she doesn’t mean the same thing to him that he means to her. Isn’t that bad enough? But he doesn’t seem to be taking this well.

She’s sure she’s triggered something inside him- dragging up old memories he would think she is mocking him for, or perhaps he’s just upset she ruined the facade they have created so carefully.

“I’m sorry- I didn't mean to…” Nora begins to turn, to run as far away from this situation and everything that has happened as she can, but John is quick to grab her wrist. His grip is tighter than normal as he tugs her back to him, forcing her to face him. She wouldn’t let anyone else even think about touching her like that, but even in this state she knows to be lenient with him.

“Please.” he says, there’s desperation in his roughness that gives her hope.

Regardless, she glues her eyes to the floor, trying to avoid further embarrassment, only speaking in a volume slightly above a whisper. “I love you, Johnny.” He lets out a shaky breath, encouraging her to glance up at him. He’s starry eyed, lips parted as he stares at her. “You’re my everything.”

The next thing she knows, he’s pulling her toward him by her wrist again. This time, though, his hand tangles in her hair, his lips colliding against hers. She can’t suppress the gasp that escapes her lips at the sudden contact, quickly morphing into a content moan as his lips move against hers, desperate and open. Eventually, his death grip on her wrist is abandoned to pull her tightly against him by her waist. Nora reaches her arms up to wrap around his neck, running hands through his hair, touching his beard, over his back- anything to take in more of him.

“Again” he says breathlessly, keeping their foreheads pressed together when he pulls away, going quickly stealing a kiss before she can reply.

“I love you.” she answers, more confidently than before. He only chuckles, that carefree sound he gives when he’s heard something really unbelievable. She can feel John’s smile as he kisses her again. It all feels so surreal and perfect, like something out of a dream, sending butterflies to her stomach in heards. Their argument is completely forgotten in the moment.

John nips at her bottom lip playfully before finally replying “Fuck, I love you so much.” still smiling as he kisses her.

Before long, he’s pulling her in with determined, open mouth kisses, more heated and urgent until their tongues are dancing.

John feels sparks fly between them like he has never known before. The repressed desire releasing in this unexpected confession of love only makes the gravitation between them increase, as if they can make up for lost time. He grips her tightly, trying to take in as much as he can. trace the lines he has only daydreamed about.

He moves to press kisses along her neck, teeth scraping her playfully. His hands pull her closer by the waist, sliding down further to feel her ass. Nora’s quick to respond, making a sound that could only be described as a squeak.

It makes him chuckle, but John forces himself to slow down. “Is this okay? I didn’t mean to- We don’t have to-” he asks, flushed and out of breath. Despite knowing each other so long, he wants to be careful to make sure she’s not uncomfortable. He knows he can be a bit aggressive sexually.

“No.” Nora replies breathlessly.

He’s never seen her so flushed before; her reply sends a wave of anxiety through him. Did he already mess this up? John steps back to give her space and gauge her reaction. The mortified and embarrassed look on his face is met with a mischievous grin from Nora.

“It’s not enough! Take me to the fucking bedroom, Duncan!” she teases, reaching out to him playfully. Relief washes over him, making him grin again. How can she even have thoughts coherent enough to tease him in a moment like this? This woman is going to be the death of him. But John’s okay with that.

She doesn’t have to ask twice, as he throws her over his shoulder quickly, despite her fake protests and giggles. He makes sure to give her ass a hard swat, only to be met with another squeal and an unexpected moan. He makes a mental note to try that more later as he makes his way to her room.

John throws her haphazardly onto her bed. He doesn’t waste time, immediately unbuttoning his shirt as he follows her, kneeling in between her legs. The air is practically knocked out of Nora’s lungs at the sight of him shirtless.

She knows he works out often- has seen how the muscles of his arms bulge in a tank top, but his chiseled body is more than she expected. Her hands are on his abs in an instant, taking in the bare skin, his tattoos exposed for her.

“Fuck” she whispers, almost more to herself than him. He laughs at her in response.

“Like what you see, Williams?”

She wants to deny it, make him earn it, but this isn’t a game anymore- and if it is, the rules have changed. There’s no point in denying her feelings. She can do that later when they have all the time in the world to rile each other up. This- she needs this. Now. And she needs him to know how much she wants him.

“John, you’re absolutely beautiful.”

He smiles sweetly, leaning closer to connect their lips as his answer. Her hands roam his arms, reveling in the sensation of his skin that she has desired for so long.

Moving her hands to his shoulder blades, little bumps under her fingertips reminded her of the scars maring his back that she’s only seen hints of. And there’s something almost poetic that in this moment of love and passion, she sees the most broken part of him for the first time.

Nora pulls him closer, and John presses his body against her. His taste in her mouth and scent filling her senses, it’s all repressed desires and instincts controlling them, his arm wrapping around her waist while the other works under her shirt, leaving goosebumps in its trail along her ribs, up, up, and up.

“God, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted you.” she says, breathless.

She’s met with a low growl from him as he presses against her hips harder, hitting a spot through their jeans that makes her moan and blush far too much. “Maybe half as long as I’ve been imagining this. Hm?” he mumbles into her lips.

She tries to laugh, but it’s all lost in her throat, only panting and little moans of content as John envelopes her in his kiss, further encouraged by her statements of desire.

John only pulls away to grab at the button of her pants. “Off.” he demands. She lifts her hips to let him pull them off quickly, haphazardly yanking them over her feet. She takes the opportunity sit up and pull off her sweater, too.

He appraises her exposed skin with a warm smile, crawling back to her, lips on her chest instantly. John pulls her onto his lap so that she’s straddling him while he nips at her collarbones. She can’t help but gasp at the way he moves her like she weighs nothing, like he knows exactly how he wants her. It all feels so natural between them.

“Mm, so pretty, my love.” he murmurs into her skin.

Nora’s hand tangles in his hair, tugging a little when he pulls her closer, causing her to grind against him. “Johnny” she whines.

John chuckles, one hand moving to fidget with the clasp of her black lacy bra. It was a good day to wear matching underwear, not that she thinks he’d really care.

“Seems like I’ve got you speechless, for once. Are you desperate already, darling?”

“Fuck you, Duncan.”

“Isn’t that what we’re trying to do?” His cocky smirk shifting to one of unabashed delight when she pulls off her bra. John moves her, pushing her so she’s lying on her back again, giving him a better angle to see all of her.

She can feel his gaze brushing over her, a wild look in his eyes. Part of her feels self conscious. It has been years since she’s been with anyone; she avoids his gaze, turning her head to the side.

He sees the shyness in her eyes, that dark chuckle spills out as he lunges forward to gather her wrists into one large hand, pinning them above her head. His other hand reaches to her face, weight shifting to her wrists. He’s like a predator above her, watching her every breath as he grasps her jaw to force her to look at him. Yet, there’s something so loving and reassuring in it. She squirms at his touch, but doesn’t try to break free.

He huffs amusedly, reveling in the sight of her at his mercy before he speaks. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, you know? You’re so, so fucking perfect. I’m going to make sure you know that. I’m going to make you mine- If you’ll let me, that is.” His voice is smooth and dark, sending sparks through her body.

His free hand shifts, brushing over her neck and moving down further to her chest, leaving goosebumps in his path. His fingers brush over her breast. Too sensitive for this, she gasps in shock. She’s never felt so responsive to someone’s touch before; it’s almost too much.

She can’t control herself, can’t help her response. It’s like he has some sort of control over her already, bringing all her hot headed stubbornness to shambles, any semblance of reason thrown out the window. Her back arches into his touch where his hand stops on her lower stomach, so close to what she needs. “Yes. Fuck, yes, John. Please.”

A moment of surprise is revealed in his eyes, only to be replaced with something more intense- she can practically see his eyes dilating, nostrils flaring as he licks his lips, leaning in close to her. “Please what?” His hand continues to move along her body, skipping over what she really wants, shifting to caress her inner thigh. Brushing so subtly along the edge of her underwear, his touch is torturous, inciting a pool of heat between her legs. Instinct kicks in, she tries to reach out to him. But she can’t, wrists pinned tightly to the bed. She can already feel herself losing her mind to him.

“Please, anything. I’m yours!” she says, needy and desperate.

Judging by his reaction, John Duncan had never had anyone truly be “his” before, and Nora has incited a new fixation within him.

* * * * * * *

Despite the frigid winter day, the room is hot and humid from their combined body heat, her queen sized bed squeaking slightly underneath them.

It’s nearly the fourth time this night she’s found release; first it was his mouth, then his fingers, then him, and now they approach the edge together for the second time. The stretch of him is still so new, she can’t stiffle the moans that escape her mouth each time he moves, her hips pushing back to meet his with each brutal thrust.

“Oh, Nora.” he grunts from behind her, hands tight on her hips. Without warning, he pulls out of her, leaving her feeling empty from the loss, a loud whine escaping her lips in protest. Though, it isn’t for long. He’s quick to push her down and onto her back, pouncing on top of her again. “I wanna see you come for me, babygirl.” he says in her ear, rocking into her again, taking away any breath she had. But he feels made for her, and it brings her right back to the edge, feeling her walls tighten around him.

“That’s it darling.” he says sweetly, contrasting with his increase in pace.

“Oh, yes John.” she cries out, the pressure within her building to an unbearable level. Hands clamp down, nails digging into his shoulders. But he only groans louder, soon bringing them both over the edge once more, heaving gasping messes, unraveling for each other.

An airy, barely coherent “I love you” escapes her mouth once it all subsides

John collapses next to her, opting not to crush her like the first time. His chest heaves as he regains his composure, equally breathless confession of love leaving his lips in response. Silence falls between them, momentarily too tired to form words.

No one mentions Joseph or his cult for the night, as if both of them are too scared to change the mood. John knows tomorrow they will have to discuss it, but certainly this complicates things. Not that he’s complaining. She’s all he’s ever wanted, and the feeling inside of his chest- His eyes shift between the ceiling and her then back again.

“What?” Nora giggles, watching his gaze curiously.

“Nothing.” he smirks, letting his eyes roam over her body before stopping on those pretty copper eyes. She looks perfect, dark hair messy from his hands running through it, pulling it. Her lips are slightly swollen from kissing so much, love bites too. And then there’s all the marks he left along her neck, collar bones, and shoulders. He wouldn’t be surprised to see himself in a similar state. _She’s perfect_. “Just making sure you’re real.”

She smiles again, body beginning to cool down. She shifts closer to him, rolling over to plant a chaste kiss on his lips before resting her head on his chest, tracing shapes into his skin with her finger. “And why wouldn’t I be real?”

“Mm, just seems too good to be true,” John says, stopping to kiss the top of her head softly. “And I did consider smoking a two year old joint before I came over.” he admits.

“John!” She scolds, but there’s amusement in her voice as she looks up at him. “What would that even do?!”

He laughs heartily “I have no clue! Found it in my sock drawer.”

“John Duncan” she reiterates, that mocking fussy voice, but somehow he always knows she never means it.

“You still love me?”

“Always.”

John begins to realize how much she understands him. How much she accepts him. He doesn’t have to hide anything from her, _literally_ now. He can’t help but pull her in for soft and slow kisses, hoping he can even begin to communicate his feelings for her.

When they separate, breathing deep again, Nora places her head back on his chest. He hears her yawn quietly, feeling the exhaustion of the day- week- _month_ catch up with him as well. “Tired, Love?”

“Mm- I should probably get cleaned up.”

John pauses, considering it. “We could shower together?” he offers, unsure of himself. Somehow being inside her for the better part of the night hasn’t made him unaware of the boundaries they once had.

Nora laughs at him “It’s not exactly a fancy two person shower like yours.”

“We can make it work.” he smiles hopefully. “I just-” John pauses. Voicing his more intimate thoughts about her is still new, but certainly not in a bad way. “-I don’t want to be away from you, even for a minute.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. This was my first attempt at even relatively physical scenes, so I hope it was okay! I didn't feel like going into extreme detail, but we got the important parts, right? (Honestly, since this is such a long fluffy fic, I wasn't sure what people were comfortable with. Like, what are you guys even here for??) 
> 
> PSA tho: Please don't forget Nora has her tubes tied, and John knows this from chapter 4. We're goin' hardcore with the birth control here, guys. I know there was a lot there that I didn't write, but just assume the topic of protection, or lack thereof, was briefly touched upon before anything got too heated. 
> 
> Anyways, thanks for sticking with me through all that angst in the last chapter! I told you I'd make it up to you guys ;)


	15. Bold and Brave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience, everyone!! I finally finished my finals, so now I can devote a lot more time to fluff and angst. 
> 
> Just a little note (not really a spoiler), Joseph super briefly mentions the thing with his wife/kid. It's super implied, but if that bothers you, it happens when he talks to John, so you're safe up until then. :)

John wakes up before Nora, the events of the night before rushing back into his mind. Her soft figure is curled up against him, his arms wrapped around her bare waist from behind. He had always hated mornings, but forced himself to wake up early to get enough done in the day. This morning, though, things are different. He can’t help but smile brightly as he stares at her. So peaceful, comfortable, it feels like this is how things were always meant to be between them.

He watches her intently, taking in the details of her form. Her breathing is slow and steady, warmth radiating off her. He can’t help but touch her more, his fingers brushing over the line her toned obliques make. She doesn’t so much as stir next to him, as if she’s already accustomed to his touch. The idea is… flustering, to say the least.

Perhaps if he wasn’t so desperate for this, John would have questioned her as to how she could desire him like this. But he’s selfish, and he wants her- more than he’s ever wanted anything.

Doubts whirl through his mind. The same old voices that tell him he’s not good enough. John lets out a huff of air, nuzzling her neck as if the closeness could protect him. Fundamentally, he knows they’re right though. He’s needy, a creature of desperation; that should be clear from his willingness to follow his brother in religious solitude he never believed just for a chance at familial love. But here he is, in bed with the woman who he’s hurt more times than he can count in this month alone. That’s selfish.

“Mm, John?” Nora murmurs, stirring in his arms.

Caught up in his thoughts, John didn’t notice the tightening of his grip on Nora, waking her from her sleep. Even if he is selfish, he can’t deny her. That’s clear for sure.

“Yes, my love?”

She smiles, eyes still barely open as she turns to face him. He kisses her softly, enjoying the small moment of affection.

“I love you.” she whispers, lifting her hand to brush across his cheek. Though, it does little to pacify his anxieties growing in his mind exponentially with each second. Hearing those words from her mouth- it still feels like a dream, no matter how many times she said it the night before. In the silence of the morning, he can’t help but dwell on the thoughts that tell him it can’t be real.

Finally, he caves in, voicing the question that has been plaguing him. “Why?”

“Why? John, what are you talking about? There’s a million reasons why!” Nora replies, moving back to look at him, suddenly more awake than before.

John bites his lip in contemplation, avoiding her eyes. “I’m broken. Why would you settle for someone like me? I’m a fucking mess...”

“Stop it!” there’s a hurt expression on her face, and he realizes he’s messed up again. Nora’s eyebrows knit together and her bottom lip pouts in a way he rarely sees. “I told you I love you. I mean it- with every fiber of my being.”

“I believe you. I just have a hard time understanding it.”

Nora’s hurt shifts to sadness, not pity, but empathy. “You deserve to be loved. I’m not settling for anything. You are, and always have been, the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you- I don’t even know how to describe it. You’re my best friend in the world, and I love everything about you. I even love the things about you that annoy me, like all your eccentric shit, and your name brand worship, and all your bitching when it rains.” Nora starts to giggle, a relieved look growing on John’s face.

Nora looks at him pensively, playful smile lighting up her eyes. “I could say I love how you’re so sweet, and funny...and protective; that we’d do anything to take care of each other; that I’ve never felt as at home as I do with you; or the way you take my breath away with those pretty eyes and stupid smile, but that can’t begin to summarize it. It’s every little think about you- and us.” Nora pauses and John can feel the air in his lungs stop. “I guess I don’t have one clear answer for why I love you, but I promise I won’t stop.”

John glances away, letting her words wash over him fully before responding. He couldn’t have expected such a pure confession of love. Over the past few years he has come to understand friendship and care in a different way than he had ever known. Still, that doesn’t mean he ever was able to accept that he might be loved this way, romantically and wholey. The only time he heard those three words from partners before were fake confessions of manipulation or misguided adoration of his money. But Nora…

After years of searching, yearning, trying so hard to find something or someone to fix him, he’s beginning to realize- really understand that maybe there is some worth to him. A whole new avalanche of emotions wash over him at this thought.

“John?” Nora says, reaching out to cup his face, guiding him to look at her. “Johnny, are you- are you crying?” she asks, giggling quietly.

“No- no, I just have something in my eye.” he lies, trying to look away from her, but she pulls him close to place adoring kisses on his face. Before he knows it, John’s joining her in laughter that soon turns into heated kisses and wandering hands.

Maybe he doesn’t deserve her, but maybe that’s okay. Maybe he can get used to this. Maybe he can learn to be loved. He’s sure the doubts will come back later, but at least it’s a step in the right direction.

***

John gets up before Nora, slipping out of the bedroom to begin their breakfast. As she gets ready for the day, she finds his button up shirt abandoned on the bedroom floor. Without second thought, she slips it on. It’s far too big, fitting more like a dress, but the fabric is soft and smells like him. And it feels _right_. Nora smiles to herself at the thought.

She takes the small amount of time to try and organize her thoughts. There’s still so much they have to talk about in the wake of this exciting development, and she wants to start their relationship off right.

Entering the kitchen, she’s welcomed to the sight of John in his jeans, shirtless, with only the necklace she gave him years ago hanging around his neck and a spatula in hand as he finishes preparing their food. “Wow, breakfast and a show? I’m a lucky girl, huh?”

John laughs, flashing her a quick smile as she approaches. Nora wraps her arms around his waist from behind. With their height difference, it puts her face between his shoulder blades where she rests her forehead against him, pressing soft kisses to the marked skin.

“Nice shirt.” he chides.

“Thanks,” she says softly. “Some asshole left it in my bedroom.” They laugh softly until a comfortable silence falls over them. In reality, Nora is contemplating how she should proceed.

Steams of murky light pool through her windows and the sound of raindrops on the roof fill the silence. It’s another dreary winter day, but it doesn’t feel bad at all.

“John?” she mumbles, sounding perhaps a little more meek than she should. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

He’s quick to turn around, wrapping her in his arms to pull her closer. Concern lingers in his eyes, gazing down at her. “Something wrong, my love?”

“No- no. I just-” Nora pauses, trying to choose her words carefully. “I guess there’s just a lot we still need to talk about, huh?”

“Mm” he hums in agreement, pausing before a smirk grows on his face once more. “Does this end with us in bed again?”

“Maybe” she replies coyly, but she doesn’t hate the idea, honestly. He seems calmer than her, nothing like the last time they tried to talk about John and Joseph’s plans. It gives her a little hope this is going to go better than before. “Look, I wasn’t trying to make you choose between Joseph and I.”

John nods his head, a little more sollom than before. “I know, sweetheart.”

“I just- I’m worried about all this. But I need you to know if you go to Rome with him, you’re not going to lose me. It’s not that far away; we’ll make it work.” No, she doesn’t necessarily think it would be the healthiest thing for him, but the best she can do is show him how loved he is regardless. “Just don’t go joining a fucking cult. I think I’d be pretty upset if you stop fornicating with me…”

John smiles brightly “Oh, darling. There’s nothing in the world I’d rather do than fornicate with you.”

“Whatever, dork.” she rolls her eyes, withdrawing from him as if some distance could protect her from his answer.

He only pulls her in tighter “You’re right, though. Rome isn’t that far away.” John pauses apprehensively, and Nora prepares herself to hear he’s going to take her up on the offer and move away. Even if their new relationship offers some reassurance, it doesn’t change the pang of sadness she feels at the thought. “I’m sure Joseph won’t mind if I visit him on the weekends.”

“What? Really?”

“Yea.” he leans down to kiss her softly, slowly, lingering before pulling away. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I belong here with you.”

Despite all they’ve been through, she can’t help the heavy blush that appears on her face with his adoring words. “Gosh, maybe I should’ve seduced you earlier.”

“I’m pretty sure I was the one doing the seducing.”

“Dream on, Duncan.” Nora rolls her eyes at him hautly, daring him to prove her wrong. He gives her that devilish grin before reaching to her sides, hitting that spot that always tickles. She squirms, trying to get away from him, but she’s stuck in his tight embrace. She can hear John laughing at her as he nuzzles against her neck, teasing turning into kissing a line from her shoulder to her ear that knocks the breath out of her lungs.

“I love you, darling.”

“I love you too, Johnny.”

The two enjoy a quiet morning- a simple breakfast of eggs and bacon shared between them, sitting pressed shoulder to shoulder as if they’ve become inseparable. In a way, not much has changed. They still tease each other, fake bantering and laughter all through their meal. Now though, the compliments are more honest, and Nora can feel a warmth in her heart that wasn’t there before.

“Oh, hey.” John speaks up once they finish eating, sounding as if he thought of something important.

“Yea?” Nora replies, turning in her seat to look at him. He has a sly smirk on his face and sparkle in his eyes.

“I never asked- do you want to be my girlfriend or whatever?”

The casual tone of his voice has Nora choking out an unexpected laugh. They had skipped over that, hadn’t they? Considering what has been shared between them, it almost became expected. Still, to hear him mention it like it was nothing- when only a day ago it would have been such a monumental question, has her laughing. Shaking her head at him, smile plastered on her face, she teases him in return. “I don’t know if you can handle this, John.”

“Managed to put up with you so far.”

She feels like a teenager again, stomach filled with butterflies and cheeks aching from the smile that won’t leave her face. Nora leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to John’s cheek. “Of course.”

-

Regaining his shirt not long after breakfast, John lounges on Nora’s couch, waiting for _his girlfriend_ to finish getting dressed. The title sounds so strange, too light to describe what is between them. But it’s new and exciting all at once.

Really, his decision not to join Joseph’s church was made the second his lips touched Nora’s. He can still be there for Joseph. But, to leave her after this... He probably wouldn’t have considered it in the first place if they had been together to begin with.

The truth is sour, leaving a bad taste in his mouth and a bitter feeling in his heart, but John has to face the fact he’s closer with her than his brother. Taken from his brothers at such a young age, he has almost as many memories with Nora as he does with Joseph and Jacob. John needs them, but the love and the need for each other is different now. And with Joseph, he can’t help but face the gap he feels between them, a lonesome space where familial intimacy should exist, now only filled with twenty years worth of accumulated cobwebs and dust.

Isn’t this what healthy families do, though? They become independent from each other. Nora doesn’t see her family more than once a year. His classmates from Emory weren’t much better. John can split his time between Rome and Atlanta though. It’s only an hour drive. Flying will take so much less. He could see Joseph every day if he wants to.

But, he can’t help but see how different Joseph’s love for him is in comparison with Nora’s- not just in the nature of it. There’s the consistency of it, too- the conditions and rules, ways its expressed, and way they view him. Something about being loved unconditionally by Nora contrasts the rebukes he’s faced from his flesh and blood.

John sighs heavily at the thought, pulling out his phone for a distraction, scrolling mindlessly through whatever social media app pops up.

Maybe he’s selfish for that, too. But _Joseph’s church_. Markings of sin. The thoughts bring anxiety bubbling up once more. He can give him all the support in the world, but John knows that Nora is what he wants. And he doesn’t care if that’s fucking selfish. That’s all he’s _ever_ wanted. Surely, Joseph will understand. It shouldn’t matter too much. He will be there for him every step of the way.

But telling Joseph will be another thing. Just the idea of disappointing his brother… Perhaps he can help him in other ways to soften the blow.

“Hey” Nora says, plopping down on the couch next to him, settling to rest her head against his shoulder.

John brings himself out of his thoughts enough to pull her closer, arm around her. “Hey, darling. Ready to head out?”

“Mm” she hums in response. “Looking for real estate?” she says, nodding at his phone. John glances down to see a pop up advertising available lots in Atlanta.

“Oh, no. Just a-” how could he be so stupid? That’s just what he needs!

John walks Nora to her car before she leaves for class. Finals are nearing as winter break gets closer and closer, so he knows she’ll be at school a little later today than normal. He’s sure to kiss her extra long before letting her go.

As soon as she’s driving away, John is on the phone, trying to get his plans in motion. When he saw the commercial on his phone, he knew exactly what he needed to do. Like Nora, Joseph isn’t one for extravagant gifts or elaborate surprises. No- if John wants to make his brother feel loved, he needs to do it in a way that speaks to Joseph. John’s learned that the hard way enough times with Nora, afterall. And what could Joseph want more than something that would help him collect a gathering of people? John might not be willing to _join_ his church, but he could certainly _buy_ the church.

With the help of a few connections and a Rome real estate agent, John managed to secure a large red brick building in downtown Rome. The upstairs could be used for bedrooms if Joseph wanted to live there, likely to deny the luxury of owning two properties, making it ideal as a multipurpose property. From what John can tell, it seems like Joseph’s style: unimposing and quaint. But the location will help, too. They’ll have to renovate parts and buy furniture, but he could arrange that later. At least this gift could serve as proof that John isn’t abandoning him.

It’s nearly evening by the time he gets home. He figured Joseph would be out for the day doing whatever, evangelizing on the streets or searching Rome for Jacob, and he lost track of time arranging things for the property. Still, he feels like he has an extra spring in his step as he enters the front door of his house, humming quietly to himself.

In these winter afternoons the sun sets so early, only a dim glow comes through the windows to illuminate the dark house. John flips on the lights unceremoniously, slipping off his shoes by the door. Joseph must not be back yet. John heads to his kitchen to begin dinner, scooping up an apple from the fruit bowl on his way. He finds himself standing in front of his fridge, staring at the contents with his mind on other things. He’s actually kind of excited to talk to Joseph, oddly enough. It’s not like he just found out he’s getting married, but, well-

“John?”

John jumps in surprise, half eaten apple flying from his hand to the floor with a thud as a graceless yelp escapes his mouth. “Fuck.” he mutters, turning to see Joseph, bits of adrenaline still rushing through his veins. “S-Sorry. You scared me.” John admits, meeting Joseph’s gaze.

Joseph looks half amused and half critical as he appraises John’s appearance. John can’t help but fidget, all too aware that he is wearing the same outfit as yesterday. He’s a lawyer! Lawyers always wear white button-ups...

“I didn’t mean to scare you, brother.” he says, smiling easily. “I was a little concerned when you didn’t return last night.”

“Oh.” John rubs the back of his neck. He feels like a teenager- or, how he’s heard teenagers are supposed to feel hiding their hookups from their parents. He wouldn’t know. If they suspected anything, he would have faced instant beatings, so he simply never risked it. “Sorry, I should’ve called- or, I guess we should get you a cell phone so I can call.” He cracks a smirk at that. Joseph using a cell phone? Not likely…

“No need to be sorry. Is everything okay?”

“Um,” John feels the heat rising in his cheeks. He can’t lie about this. He can’t put off this conversation, either. But John feels the urge to say whatever will please his brother, make up another lie and live the life he wants him too- just like he did with his parents. No, that thought is enough to push him. “Yea, actually great. Nora and I started seeing each other.” No, that sounds weird. “Dating- officially. Like, boyfriend and girlfriend.” he strains to correct himself. Since when did John Duncan with the silver tongue become such a babbling idiot? It’s just all these emotions, he thinks.

“Right,” Joseph says bleakly, pursing his lips. “I suppose it would be far from the truth to ask if you were praying together all night?”

Is that a joke? John doesn’t know whether to laugh or feel shameful, so he does a combination of the two, nervous laughter bubbling out.

“Well, regardless of how this relationship may have blossomed, and I do hope you will consider rectifying that later for both your sakes, that’s wonderful to hear. I take it she will be joining us in Rome, then?” Joseph says hopefully, but John can’t help but feel the sinking in his chest at the embedded meaning, accusing him yet again.

John swallows the lump in his throat, suddenly feeling uneasier than before. “Joseph, we need to talk about that.” Joseph looks at him expectantly, so John continues, shifting his weight to calm his nerves. He breathes in deep, pulling up all the courage he can, but none of it is reflected in his voice. “I can’t join you.”

He watches as the warmth drains from Joseph’s face, leaving behind the cold and disappointed glare. John stumbles to explain, desperate to make him understand. “I’ll still be here for you. I bought you a church! I can be there every day. It won’t change a thing. I- I just- the collapse, the sins, Joseph.”

“I understand you might have some apprehension, but you need to have faith, brother.” Joseph reiterates.

“No, Joseph I’m not leaving her- _here_.” he tries to correct himself, but he knows Joseph heard it.

Joseph steps back, sighing deeply. “Ah, I see. I was afraid this would happen. Love can so easily misguide us, manipulate us. If her love was pure, she would not prevent you from finding your destiny, your peace. This is why we have to sacrifice the things that hold us back.”

“What? No!” John’s anger boils up at the accusation. The nerve of him to ever try to taint something as good as this love- it might be less than 24 hours into their relationship, but John doesn’t consider that. He’s made up his mind, and he’s going to be stubborn about it. “You don’t get it! You got Jacob all those years. You had someone to love you most of your life. You didn’t live this kind of torture! This love- this is all I’ve been searching for so desperately for so long. I’ve turned to drugs, alcohol, sex. I’ve already tried being a religious zealot. I’m done with that.” _oops_. The words escape him before he can control it. He was never good at handling his wrath, and the regret is almost instant.

Joseph waits until John is done, staring at him carefully, watching as John’s breathing evens out once more, regaining his composure a bit. “I once had a wife, a beautiful wife. We were pregnant, young and broke.” Joseph shakes his head at the thought, eyes downcast as if he sees something far away. A sickly pained smile is on his lips as he speaks. “She was taken from me. I had to sacrifice our family so that I could be here because it is my calling. No matter how much it hurt, I had to do what The Voice asked of me.”

John is taken back by the confession, and suddenly he’s beginning to understand the depths of his brother’s mind, broken and twisted. It’s not right. He isn’t sure how to take it, but Joseph’s lingering statement sends a chill down John’s spine, a harrowing omen. “I’m sorry” he mutters, voice suddenly gone. Joseph had always been different than the other kids his age, but not like this.

Joseph looks back to John, warmth in his eyes once more. “John, this is your salvation we’re talking about. This is the will of god. Do you doubt me, brother?”

John feels a hurricane of emotions washing over him. His instinct screams to say _no_ , to accept his fate. Bend to the will of Joseph just as he had his parents’. Walk away and go to Rome- Nora will still love him, and he needs atonement for his sins. But his body is fighting it. A part of him is telling him it’s wrong. John recalls an ancient memory, years ago as a little boy, crying and afraid John looked up to his eldest brother, Jacob. He was strong and brave, able to face anything in the world. Time after time, he told him _‘Be bold, John. Be brave.’_

“Yes, Joseph. I do.” John says, voice finally unwavering. If he’s only bold once in his life, let it be this time to keep what he’s gained despite the odds.

“I see.” Joseph says calmly, seemingly accepting John’s decision. It’s almost a relief. “I will continue my journey alone then.” _almost_.

“Joseph!” John throws up his hands in exasperation. “I’m not abandoning you. Do you really think I have to join your religion to be your brother?” John can feel his blood pressure rising, whether from panic or frustration, he isn’t sure.

“Of course not. God will bring you to me when it’s your time.” Joseph smiles, pulling his brother close to rest his forehead against John’s again.

The rest is a bit of a blur. John tries to convince Joseph to stay, but his brother calmly denies him, composure fully in tacts as if this wasn’t some sort of argument between them. He agrees to see the building John has bought for Joseph’s project, but he won’t let John come with him. Joseph says he’ll be back soon, but something deep within John doesn’t know if that’s true, and maybe that’s the most horrific thing of it all.

John nearly begs Joseph to let him take him to Rome if he wants to go now, let him set up some furniture or something. But Joseph isn’t having it. He doesn’t act mad- says he needs to seek god, or The Voice, whatever he wants to call it, and John finds himself alone in his house once more. All those memories of abandonment and loneliness come back. At some point he texts Nora, a saving grace to have her show up so quickly.

John sits on the edge of his couch, elbows resting on his knees as his eyes are glued to the floor. He told her what happened, but he can’t shake the feeling of doom and rejection that has engulfed him.

“I’m so sorry, Johnny. I didn’t mean to-”

“No.” He shakes his head at her, reaching out to grab her hand. He stares at the tininess of it in his own, the delicacy of her. “You didn’t do anything. This is what I wanted.”

Nora steps forward, reaching out to lift his gaze to hers. She pushes him back to sit on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him close. A part of him breaks more at that, the offer of affection overwhelming all of the fear. He furrows his brows, that crinkle forming between them.

He rests his head on her shoulder, pressed against her neck; there’s nothing sexual about it, a comforting embrace that calms his soul, even just a little. It’s not something he’s ever experienced with a partner before.

She doesn’t push him to talk, just runs her fingers through his hair soothingly. She’s so patient with him.

“Is this what it’s supposed to feel like? Making decisions for yourself?”

“Sometimes.” she says softly.

“How do you know you did the right thing?”

“You just feel it. Through the pain, there’s that reassurance that you’re doing the right thing. Sometimes it’s easier than others.”

John sighs thinking about her words. “I never got to make decisions for myself- not really. Everything I am was because of them in one way or another, and all I could do was rebel, but even that wasn’t really my decision. After they died, I could have started over, but what did I do? Go to fucking law school. I was never brave or bold enough to make decisions for myself.” His grip on her waist tightens, pulling her closer.

“I think you’re brave, John. I think you’re really brave. You’ve been making your own decisions this whole time. Look how different you are than them!” Nora presses a kiss into his hair as if to accentuate the statement. “You don’t just want Joseph to be happy, right? You want to have a healthy relationship with him. You deserve to be loved no matter what. Don’t feel hopeless. He’ll be back. I know it.” she says sweetly, running her hand over his jaw, tickling his beard.

“Stay the night, babygirl.”

“Of course.”

Curled up in bed wearing one of John’s blue silk pajama shirts, Nora holds him close. The anxious thoughts have calmed, and John is starting to see things will be okay. The comfort of her certainly helps. John feels hopeful, despite his disagreement with his brother and all the issues it brought with it. Most of all, he feels _right_ being here with her. He can’t help but think they really should have started doing this a lot earlier.

“Nora?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

She chuckles quietly. “You don’t have to thank me.”

“You were right, though. There’s nowhere in the world that could feel more right than when I’m with you.”

It will be okay. It has to be okay. Joseph will be back soon. They can begin this new life as a normal healthy family for once.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. That um... took a dark turn. I planned this the entire time and I'm still not okay. I guess I accidentally have a new headcanon about "John, Bold and Brave".
> 
> But John is growing! His decisions might still be based on his need for love, but at least he's viewing love in a bit of a healthier way. :) one day this will be a fluffy fic again


	16. This Mess I've Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alt chapter title: Plz don't hate the author.
> 
> Warning for violence! If you hate this chapter, feel free to pretend it didn't happen. I swear it'll be exponentially happier from here on out!!! This is a shorter chapter, and the next one will explain it well enough, so if you don't like angst, violence, or Seed family drama, you can skip this chapter and still understand the rest of the fic! Promise :)

John’s woken up by a call from work, something semi-important that the high stress workers at the firm view as urgent, meriting his immediate attention. He sighs irritably as he pulls himself out of bed. Nora’s still sleeping when he gets up, tired from her long days at school. He decides not to wake her up. She should enjoy the extra hours of sleep that have been stolen from him.

After getting dressed, throwing on one of his favorite navy blue suits, John leans down to place a kiss on Nora’s forehead before he leaves the room. She lets out a soft noise, rolling to face him, though her eyes are still closed.

“Baby, I’m going to work. You’ll be fine here, right?”

“Mm- left my key at home.” she mumbles, words slurred together like it took all her strength to say one sentence.

“It’s okay. I’ll leave my key for you” He smirks, running his fingers through her hair. She never was good at mornings.

She makes another noise of content in response, puffing out her lips to ask for a kiss- something he’s happy to give her.

John removes his house key from the tight metal ring, struggling with it for some time before he places it on the side table next to her. He’s sure she’ll be safe here, and she can lock the door after he’s gone. However, she needs to be able to lock up if she wants to leave the house.

With that, he slips out to get breakfast and head to work.

 **John 6:15am**  
Good morning, my love <3 Keys on the kitchen counter! Feel free to stay for the day. I know you have lots of studying to do for finals ;) Just try to relax and I’ll see you tonight

Nora smiles at the text, many hours after it was sent. He might be a little cheesy, but it’s sweet. She considers going home for the day to work, but his house is just so peaceful and cozy. Honestly, even his internet is faster than hers. So, she grabs breakfast, a cup of coffee, her laptop, and the fluffiest blanket she can find and begins her homework curled up on his couch.

The day goes by quickly, constant text messages coming in from John, who seems to be in a better mood today. The whole thing with Joseph has been exhausting to say the least. She nearly couldn’t believe him when he explained what happened. But then again, it seemed almost too much like Joseph. She’s just not sure if he used his excuse to leave as some sort of power move to make John desperate or if Joseph is just oblivious to how he affects John.

She tries to focus on her homework, but her mind keeps wandering. Honestly, if it weren’t so personal, she could probably write a paper analyzing Joseph’s strange mind…

It’s not until she’s finally on task again that she’s interrupted by the incessant buzzing of her phone, John’s dumb pretty face appearing on the screen. He begins speaking as soon as she answers it.

“Hey darling, how’s your studying going?”

“Could be worse.” she jokes.

“I’m heading home, but I thought I’d pick us up something to eat.” he says. John is considerate. He isn’t always considerate in a way that she wants, but he really always tries to do nice things for her. She’s almost surprised he’s not trying to drag her out somewhere, but the simplicity of a meal at home is exactly what she wants. It’s sweet. “Italian okay?”

“That sounds amazing. You’re such a good boyfriend!” she says, smiling to herself.

John huffs amusedly. “I’m trying.”

“You are.” she says firmly. She doesn’t want him doubting that. “And you don’t have to bring me dinner for me to think that, either.”

“I haven’t even taken you on a date yet!” John exclaims. She can hear the rumble of the road as he drives, likely on the freeway already.

“Oh, man. And I already agreed to be your girlfriend. You must think I’m easy.” she says sarcastically, as if so many of their outings in the past weren’t actually dates in disguise.

John laughs heartily at her comment. “Only took two years.”

“And two months” she adds. Not that she’s been counting.

“Let’s go somewhere nice this week, babygirl.”

“Sure Johnny, whatever you say.” She really doesn’t need a fancy date, but she’s sure it will be fun. “Love you.”

John pauses before responding, seemingly still adjusting to the phrase. “I love you too.”

With the detour, John will be home later than usual. Nora slips into the kitchen to prepare everything for dinner before he arrives. She sets the table, snagging a few candles from the living room to arrange as a romantic centerpiece. She sets out wine glasses and attempts to find a stray bottle he may have missed or hidden when Joseph asked him to give up alcohol.

She rummages through the vast cabinets of his oversized kitchen, finally spotting a dust-covered bottle behind his blender. She almost has to crawl in to reach it. When she gets back on her feet, Nora holds up the bottle triumphantly. Her eyes scan the label for only a moment before they lock onto the figure across the room from her. She doesn’t yelp or jump, but she can feel the spike of adrenaline rushing to her heart as her fingers squeeze tighter around the neck of the bottle.

“Joseph!”

He doesn’t look surprised to see her, but disappointed. She’s sure he’s here for John, but he certainly did catch her in a compromising situation. She’s suddenly too aware of her bare legs showing from underneath John’s pajama shirt.

“Ms. Williams,” he says. His normally smooth voice has an abnormal sense of detachment that sends a chill down her spine.

“You must be here for John,” Nora says, placing the wine bottle on the counter. “He’s still at work, unfortunately.”

“Very well” he responds, smiling to her, but it lacks sincerity. Joseph slowly paces the room, coming closer to her as he speaks “I had hoped to talk to him about reconsidering his decision, but I suppose you will have to do.”

 _Oh. That doesn’t sound rude at all_. Nora forces herself not to roll her eyes. “John’s not going to reconsider.” She says, a little too forceful, but she can’t help but be protective of him. Especially after seeing how hurt he was by Joseph before.

“Ah, yes. The snake in the garden,” he mutters, more to himself than her, eyes glancing over her again as if he was pointing out what he believed to be her sins with his gaze alone. “You certainly seem to think you know what’s best for him- quite prideful, don’t you think?”

She huffs, but she wants him to understand. John would hate it, but Nora takes a risk and speaks her mind. “You’re one to talk. Do you even realize what you do to him? You’re acting just like his parents. All he wants is your affection!”

“I’m sorry to hear you think that, but very controversially to his parents, I offer him true atonement. You, too, if you were to chose to follow.”

Nora steps back until she’s nearly against the wall, trying to put more space between them without making it obvious. “Hard pass on that one. And I’m not going to let you make John _atone_ for shit. Understand that and maybe we can get along, hm?”

Joseph looks at her softly, harshness in his eyes melting to something more akin to sorrow. And she actually feels _bad_ for him. He steps closer, only an arms length away.

“I thought you were his chosen one: someone to love him and walk through the gates of Eden with him. Yet here you are, holding him back- a wolf in sheep’s skin.”

She was dumb. She let her guard down, against her best judgment. Joseph closes in on her in a blink of an eye, and suddenly his hand is wrapped around her throat, pinning her to the wall. He’s not stupid about it, either, standing to the side of her so any kicks can’t hit him hard enough. With their height difference, Joseph being even taller than John, she finds herself barely able to touch the floor on her tiptoes, the pressure quickly cutting off her oxygen.

“I’m so sorry, my child.” He says, watching her with a soft expression on his face. Some part of him seems to actually regret the action, and that scares her more than anything. “I had hoped you would understand, but god showed me what I must do. He won’t let you take my brother from me.”

Nora struggles, one hand instinctively clawing at Joseph’s. It’s stupid. She should know that, but the panic makes it difficult to think. She tries to focus, recall all her training. Without her feet fully on the ground, it’s hard to get leverage. Still, she does her best to break his hold on her; twisting to the side just enough, she’s able to bring her elbow down on his forearms, breaking the choke. With the extra mobility, she grabs a vase from the kitchen counter and smashes it against Joseph’s head. She’s sure it cost a lot, but the way it shatters with minimal impact, she knows it’s low quality. Joseph stumbles back, but isn’t out like she had hoped for, so she runs.

“I’ll give you another chance. Forsake your ways and join us.”

“I’d rather die!” Nora shouts- _maybe not the best choice of words._

She knows what she has to do; she needs to get to John’s entryway where his wall safe hides his pistol. She only makes it to the living room before Joseph has her in a choke hold again, this time arms wrapped around her neck from behind.

-

Hot steam billows up from the styrofoam takeout boxes in his arms as John approaches his house. The frosty air of the night nips at his skin, making him all the more eager to get inside where it’s warm. John walks briskly to his front door, reaching out to jiggle the door handle as soon as he can. It doesn’t budge, locked solid. He knocks on the door a few times, peering through the frosted window next to the door, waiting to see Nora’s figure emerge to rescue him from the cold. A moment passes and he doesn’t see her- no movement, no lights, nothing. Something strikes him as off, anxiety slowly building in his gut. When he pulls out his phone to call her, the sound of shattering glass rings out from within the house, followed by an indiscernible shout.

His mind jumps to the darkest possibilities, and before he knows what he’s doing, John has dialed 911. The calm voice of a man answers, but he doesn’t have time to waste explaining what is going on. A few babbled words, his address, and he has abandoned the thought for more immediate actions.

He doesn’t know what’s going on, but has to get inside. John doesn’t think when he strikes the glass window next to the front door, shards like razor blades exploding onto the ground. Reaching through he’s able to unlock the front door, though not without cutting up his hand. He doesn’t notice the pain or blood though.

He makes it to his living room before finding Nora held by Joseph in a choke hold. John can feel his blood go cold like ice at the sight. All the blood drains from his face, leaving him feeling light-headed and disoriented. _Nothing_ could have been worse than this.

Before he can rush in to save her, Nora has pushed Joseph off her. Though, he’s guessing it took too long because she doesn’t get far before collapsing, the lack of oxygen making her weak. John rushes to her, causing Joseph to freeze when he sees John enter the room.

“Stop!” John throws himself between Nora and Joseph, hoping, praying that his brother won’t hurt him. There are a lot of things he wants to say, but no words come out. He sees Nora climb to her feet out of the corner of his eye, moving away from him.

“Brother, it’s not what it looks like,” Joseph says, holding out his hand. “I am simply here to save you.”

“Save me?! I-” John stops, mouth left gaping open.

“Don’t you feel it, John? Some, like her, will work to harm us, destroy us before our work has even begun. She defies the will of god- a snake in the garden to lead you astray. I can’t allow my brother’s soul to be lost.” Joseph’s eyebrows furrow together, an expression of pain crossing his face. And John realizes he really thinks he’s doing what’s right. He really believes he has to do this. And that makes it worse because it’s out of genuine love for John.

Joseph steps toward John solemnly, hand out in an offering of peace. John’s eyes rake over him. He notices the bags under his eyes for the first time, the utter exhaustion plaguing his brother and the hint of madness in his eyes- both comforting and horrifying in this moment. Blood drips down his forehead from one of the many scrapes, undoubtedly inflicted in the altercation. John can feel his heart sink at the realization; perhaps he had never truly seen Joseph until now.

“Don’t touch him!” Nora’s voice rings out behind John. He turns to see her holding his pistol, having retrieved it when John distracted Joseph. The muzzle points to Joseph, who slows his steps but does little to acknowledge her.

“Nora, don’t shoot. Don’t shoot.” John says, putting his hands up as if that could calm her. She looks just as bad as Joseph, bruises already blooming along her neck, her own scrapes maring her hands. They’re shaking, miniscule tremors moving the muzzle of the gun in her grip.

“John, step away from him,” she says. Her voice is authoritative, demanding in a way he’s never heard before. In a different situation, he might wonder if this is how she is at work, but John’s mind is too filled with panic to process anything else.

“He won’t hurt me. Just please, don’t”

“John.” she reiterates, the darkness dripping from her voice, enough that he follows her orders, stepping to the side.

Her eyes never leave Joseph, steady and calm as she can. Nora pushes down any thoughts that tell her how horrific this situation is. She doesn’t intend to shoot Joseph if she doesn’t have to; she just needs to get ahold of the situation. Joseph stares at her, calm blue eyes pondering her, evaluating her panicked state. He looks remorseful- an image that will stick with her for a long time.

The sound of footsteps and yells of police officers announcing their presence in the house interrupts them. Soon, the room is flooded with people and guns, black clothes and authorities. Nora can feel the air escape her lungs, feel the dread release her like a balloon deflating. She finds her gun lowered at her side. Someone she recognizes from work takes it from her calmly while others cuff Joseph- he’s calm and doesn’t fight them, but she can feel his eyes burrowing into her. They take him first to attend to his wounds and write up a report. Next, John is led outside, wordless and shaken.

Drops of blood cover his house- a trail of his own from the front door, and Joseph’s from the kitchen. Her own hands are scraped from the vase, but nothing too bad.

They ask if she’s okay, and she honestly doesn’t know. But she doesn’t tell them that. They know her. She’s a responder for situations like this all the time; they take her word for it and get her statement while attending to her wounds. It’s not like work, though. It’s personal, and she’s never experienced anything like this before. All she can think about is whether or not John will ever talk to her again.

She can’t help but feel like it’s her fault somehow. Maybe she was too aggressive with Joseph. How didn’t she realize the extent of his illness before? She’s trained to evaluate mental health for goodness sake! She feels like a failure as a girlfriend, friend, and psychologist. How could she be so blind?

She tries to focus on the questions they ask her when an officer comes to take a statement from her, but it’s futile.

John’s mind is blank. There is only noise and lights around him. His ears are ringing, but he can’t register much else, everything blurring together. He must have managed to follow the directions of authorities gathering around his house somehow because he finds himself outside his home, sitting on the tailgate of an ambulance as someone asks him questions. A shiny blanket is draped over his shoulders, the kind they use when people experience shock or trauma. He’s acutely aware one of the EMTs is talking to him, dabbing the cuts on his hand with a cotton ball. His eyes drift to his hands where red had splattered his fingertips. The scene goes through his mind once more, redirecting his thoughts. Is there anything else he could have done? Is this his fault? Then she comes back into his mind.

“Nora! Where is she? I need to see her!” he blurts out, attempting to stand as he interrupts the EMT mid-sentence.

She holds out a gloved hand to stop him. “Sir, I need you to sit down. You’re in shock. Your wife is okay. She’s currently speaking to the authorities.”

He blinks at the EMT slowly, trying to process what she said. “My wife?”

He’s never had someone mistake anyone for his wife. The phrase ‘ _his wife_ ’ sounds weird enough in itself, but it does something odd to him. Just adding to the chaos in his mind.

John doesn’t hear her correction. “Oh, I’m sorry, is she just a girlfriend then?” She asks, continuing to tend to his cuts. “I’m just going to finish this bandage and then you can go talk to her. We will need a statement from you as well.”

She continues to talk, but it’s all drowned out as John watches his driveway, illuminated in blue and red lights all around. His eyes track to the building, finally spotting her. A police officer nods as she writes something on a pad before turning to walk away. Nora rubs her arms, with her eyes downcast, still in his pajama shirt; she did manage to snag her leggings before coming outside, though.

His hand only half bandaged, John pays no attention to the medic as he stands, only focusing on his goal. A brisk walk turns into a jog across the cement until he’s reached Nora. She finally looks up to see him, surely the most upset expression he’s ever seen on her. He can see the indents on her bottom lip where she had been biting it. Her brows are scrunched together in a mixture of worry and pain.

“John!” She says. She begins to move toward him but stops, a sense of hopelessness rushing over her. But John’s there in a second, pulling her tightly against him.

Nora wraps her arms around his waist. Her fists grab at his shirt as if she thinks he will slip away otherwise. John hears her release a shaky breath before speaking “Are you okay?” she says, voice cracking toward the end. “I’m so sorry-”

“No, no. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong-” John stops, pulling away just far enough to look at her. He cradles her cheek in his hand, savoring the feeling of her skin under his fingers. “I was just so scared I was going to lose you. I just-” He finds his voice giving out at the thought, throat tightening. “I just got to have you after all this time, and I thought-”

Reflected in her eyes, he knows she understands, the same expression of fear on her face. “Yea, me too” Nora answers.

He leans down to press his lips to hers; the kiss is soft and tender like both of them are afraid to break the other, yet John can feel the passion behind it. When he pulls away and gazes into her eyes, the words of the EMT earlier ring in his barely coherent mind. He’s always seen something else in her- a future, hope.

“Nora, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He says. She begins to giggle, but a tear falls from her eyes, and John realizes he’s never actually seen her cry, but she’s grinning, an expression of relief crossing her face.

“Is this a proposal on day three of our relationship?” she asks, more laughter and tears spilling out. He can’t help but chuckle, wiping away her tears with the pad of his thumb.

“Not officially,” he smirks. John might not be thinking much, but he hasn’t lost all his common sense.

“I know. You’re more dramatic than that,” she teases, looking up at him earnestly. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you too, John.”

John smiles at her, bittersweet feelings bubbling up within him. There’s a lot ahead of them in the next few days. There’s grief to be had, pain and confusion to work through, but there’s joy, too, in knowing he won’t face any of it alone.

“Move in with me,” he says, leaning in to rest his forehead against hers.

“After you fix the door and get a house alarm, sure.”

\--

John will have to stay at Nora’s apartment for a week or two while his house is being fixed up. With the involvement of the police, his own fault, there’s no way Joseph is getting out of this one unscathed. Now understanding the severity of the situation, he thinks that’s for the best. If they make a case for insanity, he can pull some strings to get Joseph into somewhere nice and plush that can offer him the help he needs- not just pills and silence, some real therapy with a shorter sentence. Hell, he might need therapy, too, after this. Well, not just this…

He finds himself unable to sleep that night, despite the exhaustion that has come over him. Instead, John stares at the ceiling of Nora’s bedroom, her head resting on his chest and arm wrapped around him tightly. He knows Nora is the most important thing in the world to him. And he’ll do anything to protect her. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to totally abandon Joseph. He won’t risk her, but maybe he can visit Joseph or write to him, as long as it’s okay for him. He still loves his brother; he’s angry, hurt, and confused, but he loves him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really considered not doing this, but it's been my plan from the start and it definitely ties into important things later in the fic (plus, one of the songs does mention Joseph doing jail time). So, I kinda wanted to explain my thoughts a bit, especially for those of you that really want Joseph to just not start a cult and be happy with John. I hope it was clear why John wasn't swayed to join- boy's changed. 
> 
> I think Joseph is really interesting because he's so complex. He's not exactly a villain here, but he's willing to do bad things for what he thinks is right. As much as Joseph loves John, I think his ultimate priority is his religious goals, and saving John's soul would be of utmost importance to that. He might not be as prone to violence as John or Jacob in canon, but Joseph certainly isn't against using violence to reach his goal, like in the beginning of the game. In this way, he thinks killing Nora will free John to save his soul (right now, he doesn't see her as someone special to save like he does the Deputy in canon). He thinks he knows what is best for John, despite what John wants. That's just how he's trying to love him. 
> 
> TL;DR- it's uphill from here. 95% of this is fluffy relationship stuff now. We'll hear from Joseph again but not for a while and it will be different.


	17. On the Mend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! Thank you everyone for waiting so long. It's a little short because I ended up splitting it into two chapters. Tbh I really just wanted to post this fluff, but I'm not done with the part that explains a lil bit more about what's going on with Joseph. Anyways, I thought it would be nice to have something a bit more hopeful for now :)

John will have to stay at Nora’s apartment for a week or two while his house is being fixed up. With the involvement of the police, his own fault, there’s no way Joseph is getting out of this one unscathed. Now understanding the severity of the situation, he thinks that’s for the best. If they make a case for insanity, he can pull some strings to get Joseph into somewhere nice and plush that can offer him the help he needs- not just pills and silence, some real therapy with a shorter sentence. Hell, he might need therapy, too, after this. Well, not just this…

Still, the word ‘insanity’ in relation to his own brother feels a bit extreme and leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, but isn’t it better than the alternative? He just never expected Joseph to try and hurt Nora, as if that would convince him to join Joseph’s religion. He doesn’t even know what he would do if he lost her now.

John stays as close to her as he can through the whole night, hovering while the police officers finish collecting evidence and statements. He feels sick to his stomach watching them take photos of her cuts and bruises. John will have to get an attorney for Joseph and discuss the options, and most of all make sure Nora’s taken care of. It’s a horrible complicated headache, but his lawyer brain kicking in somehow makes it easier to cope with.

The car ride to Nora’s apartment is quiet, but she keeps her hand tightly intertwined with his. She’s shaken up, but she knows it’s worse for him. She can tell it’s eating away at him just below the surface. For Nora the more time that passes, the less she feels about it; she’s able to distance herself, rationalize it like a part of work. But with time it only seems to weigh down on John more.

When they finally get home, he quickly makes his way to her bedroom, Nora trailing closely behind him. Setting his bag haphazardly to the side, John collapses on the bed with a sigh. He sits with his head bowed, staring at his bandaged hands not too differently than only a night before when he thought Joseph was never coming back. Nora watches him, observing the many emotions that seem to go through his mind. She crawls onto the bed behind him; Nora wraps her arms around his waist and rests her head against his back, trying to offer some form of comfort. Though, she isn’t sure what words will help him here. She doesn’t know how long they sit like that before he makes a noise.

John sniffles quietly followed by shaky breaths, and her hold on him instinctively tightens. “I’m so sorry.” he mutters, rubbing his eyes with his palms. “I should’ve never allowed you to get caught up in this.”

She can hear the pain in his voice and it hurts her. “It’s not your fault, Johnny. It’s no one’s fault. We didn’t know.”

“I just wanted my brother back,” he says, pausing to let the words sink in, and she can’t say a thing because neither of them really know if he ever will. He sits up, turning his head to glance at her “I should have done something differently. Maybe if I had’ve just said ‘yes’, he wouldn’t have tried to hurt you.”

The comment bothers her; it’s not his desire to protect her that’s wrong so much as his willingness to give into something like that just to keep the peace between his brother, and the self blame that results from it.

“No. That wouldn’t have solved anything. Eventually something would have happened, and then you might’ve been too far in to get out. Maybe it’s better it happened this way. He can get the help he needs.”

“It’s not just that, Nora. I want to protect you.”

She gives him a lopsided smile. Something about that comment warms her heart. “That’s sweet, but if there’s ever a home intruder, you really ought to let me handle it.” John gives her a sideways glance, but he can’t hide the smirk pulling at his mouth. “Seriously though, you can’t control everything. This happened, but I’m fine. And you did protect me”

He sighs deeply, the way he does when he knows she’s right but doesn’t want to admit it. “Come here,” he says, reaching out to pull her onto his lap facing him. John stares at her thoughtfully, reaching slowly to place his hand over the marks Joseph left. She saw the bruises, knows she’ll be wearing scarves for a while because of it.

John’s large hand wraps around her throat gently, as if testing to see if she is afraid. But she doesn’t flinch. It doesn’t bother her, even after all that happened; she trusts him more than anyone in the world, and he needs to know that. He watches her reaction carefully before shifting his hands to her waist leaning down to press soft kisses over the black and blue splotches. This time, the air escapes her lungs for a completely different reason.

John finds himself unable to sleep that night, despite the exhaustion that has come over him. Instead, he stares at the ceiling of Nora’s bedroom, her head resting on his chest and arm wrapped around him tightly. He was so worried the incident would drive a wedge between them, but in a way he feels closer. He knows Nora is the most important thing in the world to him. And he’ll do anything to protect her. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to totally abandon Joseph. He still loves his brother; he’s angry, hurt, and confused, but he loves him.

\--

The whole process with the legal system is going by quickly with the help of John’s contacts. Things are still being finalized and Joseph's trial has to take place, but it looks likely that he will be going to the nicest facility in Atlanta, thanks to John, and the sentence will be short.

Oddly, John finds himself staying away from it all. He got everything set in place, and from afar he wants to help Joseph, but he can’t find it in himself to visit him yet. He’s still fighting the parts of him that remind him of his sins. And so what if they’re right? In a way, John feels like he has the right to hold onto his wrath when it comes to this situation.

Besides, Nora thinks it’s best to wait for Joseph to be evaluated to see if they think he’s ready for visits yet. She doesn’t say it, but he knows what she means- wait and see if Joseph’s always this fucked up or if his family triggers it. John kind of paid attention that cognitive behavior class they took. Kind of, when he wasn’t distracted staring at Nora. She’s a great distraction, actually, helping him get back to feeling normal again. In the weeks leading up to Joseph’s trial and sentence, John and Nora begin to fall into a regular routine together. Every day, John’s beginning to feel a bit better about it all, the old trauma from his childhood that the incident brought up is fading more and more. 

Nora gets him out of the house, an amusing reversal of their usual roles. He's normally the one dragging her around town, but after a week of camping out in her apartment, she started forcing him to go out. Of course, she was right. It did help a lot. And he certainly didn't miss it when she volunteered to do all the activities she normally resists like shopping with him and even letting him buy her whatever he wanted. Nearly three weeks into their relationship, they've been on dates now, but there's still something John has been meaning to do- somewhere special he'd like to go. 

\--

Nora sits in John’s study- a room she rarely ventured into during their friendship, yet it has become one of her favorites since she began dating. The room is on the second floor of his house, large windows facing a lush garden. Each wall serves as a bookshelf, many of which are filled to the brim will dull and fading law books, old novels, and the like. John made some space for her own books, insisting that she have a place to study where she feels comfortable. But that’s not what she’s doing today.

She’s curled up on the couch, staring out the window with her morning coffee as she talks to her mom on the phone. This conversation in particular hasn’t been an easy one. With the chaos that happened so close to Christmas, Nora decided it was best to stay in Georgia for the holidays. Afterall, she might have to testify at Joseph’s trial, and there’s no way she’s leaving John at a time like this. However, breaking the news hasn’t gone so well.

“But you said you would visit!” Nora’s mom exclaims over the phone.

“I know, but some things came up.” She’s avoiding the truth, trying to dodge any pointed questions. Her mom would only worry, and it might not give her the best impression of John.

She sighs disappointedly “Is there anything I can say to convince you to come out?”

“No, mom. I would if I could, but you’ll just have to spend this Christmas without me.”

Nora’s mom pauses; the woman has a sense for things. Nora was never rebellious in the way most kids are. She never got to go to parties or sneak out at night, but her mom always knew the second she saw her if something went wrong at school: another fight or detention for taking back to teachers, who very much deserved to be put in their place, albeit.

Now is no different. Her voice takes on a honey soaked quality to it, sweet and innocent to lure Nora in. “Is everything alright?”

“Yea, it’s fine. I just have some stuff to deal with.” Nora explains a little curtly, but her mom pays no attention to it.

“I don’t want you to be alone over the holidays.” she fusses.

“I won’t be, mom. Stop worrying.”

“What will you do?”

“I’ll be with John- same as last year.” Nora says.

“Right, that John of yours.” Her mom always calls him that. Nora normally corrects her, but this time she’s actually right. He is hers now. Out of routine, Nora’s mom pauses after saying it, waiting for the rebuke, but when it doesn’t come she continues, curiosity peaked “How is he doing?”

“Good. I-”

“Yes?” she interjects eagerly, clearly already knowing what comes next.

“We’re, um, dating now.” Nora explains meekly. It sounds weird to say to her mom like she has to announce a monumental event when in reality it just feels natural. “But that’s not why I’m not visiting! I really do have work and other things to deal with.” she adds quickly.

To be honest, she hasn’t told a lot of people that they’re dating, at least not in this manner. At school and work she started referring to him as her ‘boyfriend’ like it isn’t a big deal. No one seemed to notice or care too much. Of course, she hasn’t run into many of their closer friends lately. Might need to tell them soon, come to think of it…

“It’s about time!” her mom exclaims, quickly changing her train of thought.

“What? Mom. You’re supposed to be surprised or something.”

“Honey, I wouldn’t be surprised if you said you were getting married by now.”

Nora hears someone faintly in the background before her mom begins talking away from the phone. “Hi honey. Nora got a boyfriend.” It must be Don, her step-dad.

“Is it that John fellow?” he says, also not surprised by the news. Everyone saw this coming except for Nora, didn’t they?

“Yup.”

“Wonderful! Tell her congrats for me.”

“Don says congrats.” her mom says into the phone.

“Thanks, Don?” Nora says awkwardly.

“Anyways, I’ve got to go. Love you lots, honey. We’ll miss you this year.” her mom coos, suddenly satisfied with Nora’s decision to stay in Georgia.

“Love you. I miss you too. Bye.” Nora hangs up the phone, rolling her eyes. She never liked how much her mom fusses over her, but it makes her smile to hear her family be so nonchalant about John. Her and her mom don’t talk all the time, but she always mentioned John in their conversations. It’s oddly reassuring to feel like they’ve already accepted him.

The study door lets out a loud creek, alerting Nora to John’s presence as he enters the room. When she turns to face him, he’s holding his own cup of coffee, still wearing a housecoat and slippers.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything” he says sweetly as he approaches her. His slippers make flip flop noises on the floor that make Nora smile.

“No, of course not. I was just talking to my mom.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yea! Just catching up.” she reassures him.

John hums thoughtfully. “Well, I noticed you sitting here all alone, and I was thinking maybe, possibly you might be willing to go on a date with me? If not, it’s cool. We can still be friends.” he shoots her a wink and a toothy smile.

Nora snorts, his teasing taking her by surprise. Though, she should be used to this. “I don’t know. I have a boyfriend. You are pretty hot though.”

John grins as he sits, slipping his arm around her. “I’m sure he won’t mind. A pretty lady like you deserves to be treated well.”

“We’re kinda gross, you know?”

“Oh, absolutely.” he kisses her temple softly. “My darling, you have done so much to help me over the past weeks. Let me take you out tonight?"

Nora smiles warmly, placing her hand on his chest. "I'd love to, but you know you don't owe me anything. You always do the same for me."

"Well then what if I want to because I love you?"

"That's acceptable. What did you have in mind?”

\--

Soft classical music fills the ornate room. Modern chandeliers hanging from high ceilings illuminate the restaurant with a soft yellow glow accompanied by the candles flickering on their table. Set on the top floor of a lofty skyscraper, they look out over the city filled with the pink and yellow hues of the sunset.

They’ve never been here before, but Nora is sure John planned it far in advance, only pretending it was a spontaneous decision. It’s the kind of restaurant that never serves much food, but each plate looks like a piece of artwork. They’ve ordered steaks and wine, and Nora has her eye on those chocolate lava cakes for dessert, made to be about the same size as her dinner.

“You’re fucking gorgeous. You know that?” John says, smiling across the table from her as they eat dinner.

He’s in an exceptionally good mood tonight. He’s been giving her heart eyes the whole night since he picked her up at her apartment, ready to go in her best cocktail dress and heels. She doesn’t dress this formally often, though she enjoys it, so he was shocked to say the least; she honestly questioned if they were going to make it to the restaurant or opt to stay home for something else.

His sentiment makes her smile and warms her cheeks. “You’re not so bad yourself.” She still can’t get over the way he looks in suits- honestly, probably never will.

John looks at her thoughtfully, allowing silence to fall over them before he speaks again. “It recently occurred to me, I don’t like your apartment.” Nora, mid sip, nearly chokes on her wine as she begins to giggle.

“My apartment never did anything to you.” she scoffs playfully.

“No, it has. You see, I fixed my front door.” he explains.

He has that spark in his eyes that says he’s up to something. It makes her smile to see him so lighthearted after this month of madness. So, she decides to play along. “And?”

“And I installed a house alarm”

“You did.”

“Yet you still live somewhere else.” he complains, exaggerating his emotions dramatically. “As much as I appreciate you staying at my house so often, I can't help but think you should just live there by now.”

Nora chuckles. “You’re sure you still want me to move in with you?” She really does want to, but she hadn’t brought up the topic considering the situation when he initially asked her to. Part of her thought maybe he was just exaggerating what he wanted because of what happened.

But he looks at her like she’s stupid, and honestly she probably is for ever doubting it. He stayed at her apartment for a little over a week when they had to redo his window, and she’s been staying with him since; they practically are living together already.

“Okay, I get it- how much would I owe you for rent?” she asks, very much hoping he asks for something, but not more than what she’s paying now.

John continues to stare at her as he cuts another piece of steak, only raising an eyebrow. He doesn’t need to say a word for her to know what he’s thinking.

“Oh, come on. That’s what most couples do. You live together, you split the costs.” she exclaims.

John’s incredulous expression shifts to irritation momentarily before that delinquent smirk appears on his face. “Alright, darling. We can split the mortgage.”

“And how much would that be?” she says cautiously, fully expecting him to call her bluff with an astronomical number.

“Zero.” he says arrogantly.

“John.”

“Nora. I paid it off. Stop worrying about it.” he waves his hand dismissively.

Her eyebrows shoot up. She expected he put a lot down to avoid high monthly costs, but to pay off a multimillion dollar home already? “Oh.” she takes another sip of wine, hoping that will help a little. Something tells her she’s not winning this.

John smiles warmly. She can see the adoration in his eyes. “Besides, you have to get used to using my money more now.”

The way he looks at her makes her feel like there’s a double meaning there. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?”

He reaches across the table to take her hand in his as he speaks. “Just that there could be a time when what is mine is yours and yours is mine. We don’t have to split everything evenly- I’m certainly not keeping score, and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t buy whatever you want.” Nora gives him a skeptical look and John rolls his eyes. “I know you’re not just using me for money and housing. I think you’ve made that clear. Stop fussing over nothing, my love.”

Nora mulls over his words, trying to take it in. What he’s talking about- that’s not just him trying to take care of her. It feels like more. Like preparing for a future. It flusters her, actually. For as long as she’s loved him, she didn’t expect anything to come of it. Now that something has, she didn’t expect him to be so confident in it so soon, not that she’s complaining.

“Right. Okay. Fine. No rent.” She says stiffly. Her expression of contemplation quickly melts into something more playful as exciting new possibilities fill her mind, and the promise of things to come quickly overshadow her concerns. “I guess I’ll start packing this weekend.”

John’s smile brightens as he leans down to give her a chaste kiss on the back of her hand. “Perfect! Now, was that so hard?”

“A little.”

“Do you still want to live with me?”

“Unfortunately, yes.” 

John smirks, likely enjoying her suffering. He always does delight in seeing her pride fall apart as she accepts his help. "Good. Because I need you."

"I need you too, John."

\--

John and Nora lay in bed late at night, fingers intertwined. The sound of their breathing and the beating of her heart are all that Nora hears, a comfortable silence having settled between them. Suddenly, John rolls over, nearly pouncing on her. His lips hover inches from hers, something she can never get used to.

“Hey,” he says, mischief filling his eyes. “I have an idea.”

“So soon?” she smirks.

“What? No. That’s not what I meant.” he says as she begins to giggle. His expression quickly shifts to something more hungry. “Unless that’s a request, my dear.” Moments like this, his voice always takes on that darker tone, seductive and impossible to resist. He interrupts her mid laughter when his lips find her neck and his hand travels down her body, fingers trailing over her bare waist.

Nora pretends he isn’t affecting her, but she knows he can tell. “Mm, tell me about your idea, Johnny.”

“Just, feel kinda bad keeping you here for the holidays” he mumbles, scraping his teeth over her collar bone before returning to look at her

“Why?” she says with a shaky breath. “I’d never spend them without you.”

“Won’t you miss your family?”

His question is complicated. It’s nothing that bothers her too much, and a part of her feels like he’s more like family to her than they are. “I’ll just go during spring break. Why?”

“Do you want to visit them together?”

Nora’s eyes go wide; John has never showed any interest in meeting her family. Her mom came for her graduation and he avoided her like the plague. And Nora’s mom certainly isn’t an intimidating entity. She surmised it was the family unit aspect of it that made him so uncomfortable. After everything that happened with Joseph now, she’s even more shocked he would be so willing to throw himself into another family situation, especially as her boyfriend.

“Oh, John. You don’t have to do that.”

He furrows his brows at her. “Of course I don’t. I want to.”

She chews her lip in contemplation before making up her mind. “What made you want to do this?”

“Do you not want me to?” John recoils from her. She instantly regrets the words, feeling the harrowing loss of his warmth. “Are you embarrassed of me?” he asks, earnestly and meek.

“No, no! Of course not. You? Never. My family? Maybe a bit.” she reaches out to him with reassuring touches. “You just never seemed comfortable with it before. I was just concerned.”

John lets out an amused huff “I want to meet your family. Don’t you think it’s about time they find out who the stranger is that stole your heart, my dearest?”

Nora chuckles quietly. “A little confident there, aren’t ya?”

“Feel free to pretend it’s not true, but we both know whose you are.”

“Fuck you, Duncan.”

“Again? So soon?”

After the holidays, Joseph's trial will be finished, and Nora will go back to school. John will have to think about seeing his brother again, finding the other, and eventually meeting Nora's family. For now, though, he tries to focus on the little things to calm his anxieties. Moments like this, laughing in bed with Nora and their playful banter, make him feel like he's beginning to be normal again: loved and lovable. 


	18. Housekeeping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, I finally updated this!! I had this crazy busy summer class, but it's over now. Hopefully I'll be able to update a little more regularly because I am super excited about some of the upcoming chapters! I felt like there were some loose ends that needed to be tied up, so that's what I did for this chapter. The next few will be fluffy John and Nora shenanigans again for a while! <3 thank you, everyone, for your patience, actually reading this much of my fic, and all the encouraging comments and kudos.

The whole move in process goes smoothly. He’s lucky, really. Nora’s taste in most things is similar enough to his. There’s part of her Portland spirit that could never be erased, and with it comes a few off-brand, oddly cute things scattered around the house. But having her stuff there makes it feel more homey than before.

He’s grown so accustomed to her way of doing things, he doesn’t even bat an eye when she brings in things that would’ve upset him years ago. He smiles when she puts her mismatching mug collection next to his set of sterile black ones and finds himself reaching for hers more than his now.

The best part of it all is having her there every morning and night. They already spent so much time together, it doesn’t feel like a big change during the day. However, waking up in the same bed as her is the most reassuring thing John has ever experienced. He’s never lived with anyone else before. Hell, he never let anyone stay for more than a couple days in the past, probably because anyone else he dated irritated him too much. But with Nora, they fall into a comfortable routine quickly.

The holidays come and go unceremoniously. With the set backs, they both found themselves behind on their Christmas shopping and preparation; the day is spent simply between the two of them, a few gifts exchanged, but nothing as ritsy as John would have liked. He enjoys the simplicity of it, nonetheless. Besides, he has plans to make up for it eventually.

Apparently, her mom was overjoyed to hear they would be visiting them together this spring. To be honest, he’s very apprehensive about this trip. Just thinking about it he can feel tension between his shoulders. Parents have always been a rough topic for him, no matter how nice Nora’s may be. But he wants to do this- wants to be normal.

John’s stomach grumbles, his hunger finally kicking in as he sits in a busy cafe with Nora. She insisted on taking him out for lunch today to get him away from work for a bit. She said it’s just a date, but he knows she’s trying to calm him down; today, he’s seeing Joseph for the first time since the trial, afterall. However, he’s been waiting for his coffee to arrive for what feels like an eternity and his patience is wearing thin.

“So sorry for the wait. ‘Should be another 10 minutes.” the bubbly waitress says lightheartedly, as if the man she’s talking to isn’t starving to death or fully capable of buying the entire establishment out from under them in retaliation for the poor service.

“For fucks sake! It’s a coffee. I could’ve gone home and made myself one by now.” he spits out without thinking, glaring at the waitress. Out of the corner of his eye, John can see Nora sink into her chair.

“S-Sorry, sir.” the waitress stutters before scurrying away. She’s just a college kid, probably desperate for money and low on sleep, but that doesn’t quell his irritation.

“John! Don’t be such an asshole.” Nora scolds. Her gaze is stern, but he knows it’s not without care.

“It’s not my fault this is a poorly run establishment.” he replies defensively. The look he gets in response is enough to put him in his place though; that woman has the ability to strike fear into the hearts of anyone with her eyes alone. “Sorry- I guess the stress has been getting to me. I just need this to be over with.”

The frigid glare is immediately replaced by a warm smile as Nora leans across the table to take John’s hand in her own. “I know it’s been a lot lately, but you’re doing great.”

“That’s a very kind lie.” he chuckles. It’s a nice sentiment, really. But he just snapped at an overworked kid because of a cup of coffee. After everything that happened, it’s like a part of him slipped back into who he used to be. He’s still fighting to regain his control. It’s getting better, but he doesn’t feel like he’s handling it well.

“It’s not a lie. I don’t lie to you.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

“Huh,” John smirks, straightening his posture from the extra confidence.

As if Nora can read his mind, she rolls her eyes. “John.”

“My love.” he replies coyly, feigning innocence.

“Back to the point- is there anything you want to talk about?”

John hums thoughtfully, planning his next words. She probably expects him to bring up his upcoming meeting, but something else is on his mind. “Actually, I’ve been thinking about Jacob a lot lately.” Nora nods, smiling warmly. It helps him feel comfortable enough to voice his thoughts. “Joseph was so convinced he was in Rome, but… Well, he’s convinced of a lot of things. But I still want to find him”

“Right, of course.”

“I can’t just walk around Rome hoping Joseph was right though. It’s unrealistic. There’s plenty of larger cities in the area. How do I even know he’s in Georgia? But...” John sighs, the horrible thoughts gnawing at his empty stomach.

Before Joseph found him, he had always imagined his brothers forged their own happy lives- that Joseph was adopted by a loving family, went to college, got a job he loved as a writer or something; and that Jacob would fall in love and get married, maybe have kids of his own and live in a cabin out in the wilderness. It was frivolous of him to imagine such childish dreams for them. The reality of it is so much worse.

Nora furrows her brows, watching his expression as the thoughts run through his mind like she can hear them too. “John, you don’t even know if he’s homeless. A lot of people end up off the grid for other reasons. Try not to worry yourself too much.”

John nods, listening to her.

“Start with some posters, a way someone can see you’re looking for him. Maybe we could get in contact with some of the shelter coordinators to see if anyone has seen him- widen our search a bit.”

 

She’s right. There’s not a lot he can do, but perhaps some of his contacts could help. Of course, John Duncan’s power radius is limited in Georgia since he stopped taking blackmail, and though he’s thankful to escape that lifestyle, he really could use an edge on this. Even then, he’s not sure it would help. The rich and powerful rarely take a second look at a homeless veteran; anyone John knows certainly wouldn’t know or care about his brother.

He’s snapped out of his brooding by the clink of a coffee cup being haphazardly placed on the table as the same waitress rushes past them, wordless and avoiding eye contact. Yea, he would have to tip well to make up for that outburst. Customer service workers are people too.

His nerves are calmed by Nora’s reassurance and the caffeine he’s been craving. All he needs to do is survive the work day and meet with Joseph. Then, maybe some regularity can come back to his life.

\--

From the outside, it’s just another bleak building, fences with barbed wire surrounding it. White walls and fake plants greet him when he walks into the visitor’s center. It’s made to look like another business office, but the metal detectors and armed guards quickly dissipate that facade.

Today will be one of the only times John visits Joseph in person for a long time, per Joseph’s therapists’ recommendations; they say there’s something about family for Joseph, but John isn’t sure how to take that. Due to the violent nature of his crime, Joseph is seated with handcuffs on when John enters, but he’s able to sit across the table from his brother. In the light blue jumper, Joseph looks more like a nurse than a prisoner. Part of the facility, John supposes. They haven’t talked since the trial. In all honesty, John isn’t sure what to say at all. He’s just hoping for some form of closure.

When John sits down on the cold metal chair across from his brother, the silence between them feels like an endless expanse. Joseph’s calm eyes gaze at John, waiting, but John finds few words appropriate for the moment.

“I hope they’re treating you well.” he sputters, feigning calmness- somehow his socialite roots are showing with impersonal and impartial small talk despite the dire situation.

“Just fine, John. Thank you for stepping in. I am assuming this was your doing, after all.” Joseph says softly.

John smirks, but there's little feeling behind it. “Despite what’s happened, you’re still my brother.”

Joseph’s eyes are filled with warmth “I am glad you feel that way. I know it’s not easy for you to trust- or love.”

He’s not _wrong_. It isn’t. And maybe that’s the most annoying thing about it all- Joseph is only a little off; most of the time he’s observant and clam. And it’s hard for John to accept both that halves of him can co-exist: reason _and_ delusion.

“You could have considered that before you tried to murder my girlfriend,” John says defensively like a child acting stubborn just to get their way. Part of him knows it won’t help their meeting, but bitterness has been building within him for some time. A guard behind Joseph shifts uncomfortably at the words, watching closer than before as if just waiting for an outburst from one of them.

Joseph remains calm. “And for that, I am terribly sorry, brother. I should have had more faith.”

John stares at him intently, a raised eyebrow asking the question he doesn’t dare voice. What does one say to that? ‘Yea sure, it’s totally cool you tried to kill the love of my life.’ No, John knows his heart is hardened to his brother. He’s still healing and he has no obligation to forgive him for this wrong. Hasn’t he been through enough already?

After no response, Joseph looks down at the table solemnly. Maybe he realizes how John feels. Maybe he doesn’t.

Silence fills the void once again as common ground between them seems lost. John thinks back to his lunch with Nora and remembers the one thing they do have in common.

“I’m going to find Jacob.” he says softly.

“You won’t find him.” Joseph says immediately, harshly, as if he could know.

“What?”

“It’s not your calling, John. Only I can reunite our family.”

John stares at Joseph in disbelief, irritation boiling within him. _He really thinks he’s perfect, doesn’t he? The arrogance,_ John thinks. Is there nothing he could do to please Joseph?! His eyes slit into a glare as his thoughts begin to get away from him; it stops being so much about the logical realization that Joseph believes ‘god’ has a plan for him and more about a sibling rivalry and betrayed trust.

“And I will.” Joseph smiles at him calmly. “I realize now, god will bring you to me when the time is right.”

“No!” John’s hand slams into the desk, making the guard behind Joseph jump in surprise. “Enough! You don’t get to just come back into my life to try and rip it away from me. I’m not the kid you remember, Joseph. You can’t control me anymore.”

Joseph recoils slightly at John’s outburst. Uncharacteristically, he actually looks offended by John’s stand. “I am only trying to save you, brother.”

John’s voice is rising “That’s just it. You prioritize this absurd idea over anything else. You say it’s for our family, but look how little you care.” John gestures flippantly, paying little attention to the words streaming from his mouth.

“Sir,” the guard says meekly, approaching John.

“Yea, yea, I’m leaving.” he says dismissively, quickly getting to his feet. As he walks away he hears his brother’s voice, disappointed as always.

“ _John_.”

Outside, in the safe confines of the waiting room, John meets with one of the facility's nurses. He goes over Joseph’s chart and their recommendations, gently stepping around the blatant fact that this meeting did not go well.

“Perhaps you would like to consider writing to him. After all, we have a limited number of visits possible for a _sensitive_ case, such as his.” drastic insanity is what he means. “I do believe the delusions of grandeur could be- hm, what’s the word…”

“Triggered by family.” John finishes for him.

The man brightens up with the comment “Oh, are you in the psychology field, Mr. Duncan?” He asks, pretending to be impressed. it’s a clear exaggeration of the technicality of such a common word.

“No- no, my girlfriend is.”

“Oh.” he responds with much less enthusiasm than before. “Well, we have openings here if she’s interested. We’d certainly love to see more of you around here.”

John resists the urge to roll his eyes, much too impatient to be flattered by any of this today. It really is a burden to be so appealing. “Joseph tried to kill her. That’s why he’s here. Do you really think that’s a smart idea?”

“N-no. So sorry about that.” the nurse stutters, a thick blush quickly coating his cheeks. “I’ll, um, get you that information in case you’d like to write to Mr. Seed. All the letters are monitored, so you won’t get too much, er- evangelism. Might be good for him to learn to talk about something else...” the look on his face tells John he’s heard Joseph’s speeches already. Wonderful.

“Great. Thank you.” he smiles “One more thing, though. When he’s released, what will happen?”

“What do you mean? He takes his belongings and goes.” he glances at the files. “Ah, though it doesn’t look like he brought much in with him.”

“Is there a way I can arrange for anything to be left for him, money, items, whatever?”

“Oh, of course. I’ll get you those forms too.”

John is able to transfer money to Joseph’s bank account; it’s far before he’ll need it, but it makes John feel better nonetheless. He’ll drop off some clothes and items for Joseph soon, but more importantly, he’ll leave the papers for the building in Rome. He already went through with the purchase by the time everything had happened. Though it was intended as a church, John figures it would make a good home. Maybe it’s heartless of him, but Joseph won’t be staying with him again.

\--

It’s only been a few weeks since she’s moved in, and Nora has already lost several items to John’s infamous junk drawer in his kitchen. Everyone has one, but his has to be the worst she’s seen; it’s overflowing with papers and envelopes, paid bills, abandoned files from work, at least ten notepads, and who knows what else. It’s like a black hole, and Nora made the mistake of putting a bill in the drawer when she got the mail last. She shifts through the papers, trying not to knock anything onto the floor. She pulls out a couple envelopes to make it easier when one catches her eye- something from Emory.

Did she accidentally drop her student loans bill in here, too? Nora slips the letter out and unfolds it carefully, her eyes quickly scanning over the page. She’s already read too much by the time she realizes it isn’t addressed to her.

I would like to thank you personally for your annual donation of $20,000.00 through a Psychology Master’s Grant. As requested, this sum will be awarded to S404218890, in addition to their academic excellence grant until graduation.

This is from the dean of Emory to John. And that’s her student ID number and her grant- the only reason she could even go to graduate school.

And it was from John the whole time.

Some part of her expected something like this, but it doesn’t change how overwhelmed she feels. The thing is, he didn’t just do it; he did it in a way that he knew she would accept and feel okay about. Maybe he went behind her back, but where would she be without him? She couldn’t do this on her own. Nora slowly sinks to the floor, sitting with her back against the cabinets. She can’t help but feel hot streams of tears run down her face while she tries to compose herself.

She’s not mad? And maybe that’s the weirdest part of this. She doesn’t feel weak or needy anymore. As emotions well up inside her, her heart feels like it’s going to burst. All the fear and apprehension of years before melt away as she realizes just how long and how much John has loved her, and it’s overwhelming. Small sniffles and more tears escape her, building more as each second passes.

It’s not long until rushed footsteps approach her. Occupied with the thoughts whirling through her mind, she didn’t even notice John get home.

“Nora, darling, what’s wrong?” he says, dropping to his knees and cupping her cheek in his hand. But when he sees the white paper tightly clenched in her hand, he knows.

“Johnny” she sniffles. “Johnny, I can’t- how did you? How can I ever repay you?” It’s not about money anymore; it’s something else. And she doesn’t feel like she could ever do anything as monumental for him as this feels like for her. She feels like all she’s done is complicate his life lately. She stares up at him with doe eyes, red and bloodshot from the tears spilling out.

“You already have.” John pulls her into his lap and presses his lips to her forehead. “You taught me what love is.”

She feels her heart clenching even more. All she can do is hold him tighter, desperately, as she buries her face into the crook of his neck.

\--

Later that night, John and Nora lay in bed, fingers intertwined as a comfortable silence fills the room. She watches his chest rise and fall, still regaining his breath from their earlier activities. John’s blue eyes roam over her body slowly, taking in each curve and line, his mouth slowly curling into a smirk.

“What?” she grins.

“Nothing”

“Looked like somethin’ to me.” Nora teases.

He hums softly, bringing her hand to his lips, pressing against it softly as he watches her closely. “You make my days better”

Nora smiles at the warm feeling in her heart. “You never did tell me about your day.”

“Had more important things on my mind,” he smirks, eyes glancing over her again. “It was okay.”

“Yea?”

“Meeting didn’t go so well.” he mutters moving his lips to press soft kisses on her wrist.

Tired of the teasing, Nora moves closer, pushing John onto his back. She leans over him, their lips meeting momentarily. “You made it through the day. That’s what matters, right?”

“Mm, I think you’re my sanity.” He hums in agreement before kissing her again, deeper this time. She can only huff in amusement at his words.

When they part, John looks at her thoughtfully. “Do you ever think about what our lives would have been like if we never met?”

She bites her lip, finding the right words. For a majority of her time at Emory, John was her only friend. Without him she doesn’t know where she’d be. He did a lot to soften her heart, and she likes to think she did the same for him. But imagining recent events if she hadn’t stepped in- the idea sends shivers down her spine. No.

“I try not to. Why?”

John glances away, avoiding a direct answer. “Just been on my mind lately- I like to think no matter what, our paths would cross eventually.” He smiles “That’s just how fate works.”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think you have a crush on me, Duncan.” Nora smiles, moving to straddle him. His hands instinctively grip her hips, that mischievous spark in his eyes again. “Good thing I’m madly in love with you,” she whispers, leaning down to capture his lips in a hungry kiss. "I could meet you in a hundred alternate universes, and I'd love you in each."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you called it that the grant was from John the second Nora got it and I was so surprised!!! Good guessing, guys ;) You knew he had to do something for her! She would have been mad back then, but a lot has changed, hm? And yea. I did write an AU in which AU characters talk about AUs. :'D I guess I'm just thinking too much about AUs lately (kinda considered starting another soon. We'll see!). 
> 
> PS. Don't worry, John knows he was insensitive to Joseph. He'll write him nice letters. I have a plan for Jacob (and Joseph) but there's a lot of chapters to go.


	19. Burn it Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: There's minor hints at violence and a lot of discussion about past abuse (no real details or descriptions though) in the first half of this chapter. 
> 
> Hi!! I am soooo sorry this took forever, but that's just kinda how the next few chapters are going for me. I was working on maybe two chapters where John meets Nora's family, but I just really hate how most of it turned out. So, I'm skipping that for now. idk if I'll ever include those ones, it kinda depends if I get any ideas for them...

“Wow,” she mutters as they get out of the car. John hums in agreement, his eyes scanning the property. She wonders how many memories are coming back to him now. “When was the last time you were here?”

“Oh, years. Probably right after they died.”

Nora stares up at the large structure of light beige bricks towering over them. It is by far the largest home, if it could even be called that, she has ever seen. It took ten minutes driving from the front gate to the actual home, standing at least four stories tall. Getting out of the car, they’re greeted with an old unused fountain she is sure would look opulent with some upkeep.

“It’s been empty a long time, huh?”

John’s adoptive parents died when he was 21, leaving their company, money, and this home to him- the home he grew up in with them. And today, their goal is to get rid of it. The large property has been sitting abandoned since their passing, nearly seven years ago. With the turn in the market and enough time passing, John feels it’s the right time to approach selling it. Only, that means they will need to deal with some of the items inside before any cleaning companies or marketers can come in.

“I would have liked to deal with this years ago, but- well, typically when you sell your parents’ mansion shortly after their death, people acuse you of murder.”

_Not that they wouldn’t have deserved it,_ Nora thinks to herself.

“I figured, for the sake of my career it was best to avoid that- and the lengthy investigation that would delve into their past.” he explains further as they walk toward the front door, climbing up an old stone stair path, passing unkempt bushes and several dead trees- likely exotic and once thriving under the constant care of the gardner. Surprisingly, the grass is still green. John must have been paying to water it all this time. The imagined cost alone makes her cringe.

“If it’s any consolation, it wouldn’t have scared me away.”

John snorts, glancing at her playfully. “I’m honestly not sure you wouldn’t have taken things into your own hands if they were still alive...”

Nora smirks slyly. He’s probably right. It had certainly crossed her mind. Not that she would necessarily _kill_ them, but a strong warning, promises of violence, vicious threats to stay away from him at the very least- yes.

John types a few numbers into the keypad on the door and turns the key, finally opening the large double doors. The entryway is...eccentric. Marble floors and two sets of stairs welcome them into a room illuminated by the largest gold and crystal chandelier her eyes have seen.

She wonders for a short moment what she really would have done if his parents were alive and he brought her here to meet them. Honestly, the answer is simple; she would have showed up in biker gear and pretended not to care, maybe worn her work knife sheathed on her leg and brought beers as a gift- if John let her, that is. If he was estranged enough that they wouldn’t be able to lay a hand on him for it, she would try to be the most horrifically inappropriate woman for their son they could imagine- though it wouldn’t take much effort.

“So, how big is this place?” Nora wonders outloud.

“I’ll give you a tour before we start. Maybe we can make a list of what needs to be done as we go?” John says meekly. He almost seems embarrassed of the place.

She squeezes his hand reassuringly “I’ll take notes. Your the boss for today.”

He shoots her a mischievous grin she’s quick to rebuttal “For today- don’t get any ideas.” she chides.

He takes her through room after room: living rooms with lofty ceilings and long draping curtains; hallways filled with ominous paintings; offices draped in wood and filled with the finest leather furniture; dining rooms with murals on the walls; and a library with a real spiral staircase and a horrific amount of real zebra rugs; most remarkably is their backyard. A large pool is at the center of it, and a tennis court off to the side

Their kitchen mirrors that of the working rooms old castles used to have- where slaves or maids would cook, hidden away from the public. She knows too well that the same is true of theirs. John’s mother certainly didn’t do the work in the house. It’s almost as creepy as the basement- stone ceilings remind her of the kind of cult hideout she’d see in a movie. There are rooms down there he didn’t show her, so she gets the feeling it was used for exactly what she suspects.

She follows John the whole time, gripping his hand whenever she can. She doesn’t believe in most supernatural creatures, likes the idea of aliens, but ghosts? No. However, in the dusty halls of the old house, she finds herself needing constant reminders they don’t exist. They didn’t die here, afterall. That’s how it works, right?? Ghosts only haunt the place of their tragedies?

She can really feel it, though, some sort of gloom that overtakes the rooms. The atmosphere should be less depressing with how luxurious the place is. But maybe it’s just because she knows what happened here. It’s really of no concern for her; those people were monsters in their living state, in death they’ll do little more than burn in hell.

“We’ll need to focus on any books or documents related to law- though I would say all of them need to go as is. None are of any real value. Then there’s the matter of personal items- clothing, furniture, jewelry. I don’t want anything to do with it.” John rubs his temples, thinking through everything he has to do as they stand in the backyard.

Nora’s eyes venture to the old worn down lawn chairs, ruined from years of neglect. Between them sits a large fire pit- big enough to have a rightful bonfire, she thinks… “Why don’t we just burn it?”

“Burn… the house?” John asks. She half expects him to get irritated with the suggestion, but there’s something of enjoyment in his eyes. “I would love to, but I’m afraid it would be awfully wasteful.”

She chuckles lightly. “Okay, not the whole house, but what about parts?”

John stares at her blankly for a moment, waiting for further explanation.

“Look, there are things you want to get rid of, for legal or personal reasons; we burn whatever we can, destroy the rest however we need to, and donate the remaining furniture and shit after the house sells. We don’t need it, and lots of companies will pick up stuff like that for free. Plus, burning things is fun.”

John looks concerned- maybe even scared, as if he’s not allowed to harm his parents’ items. She wonders for a moment if he had the same thought about ghosts as she did.

“Just- wait here!” she says before rushing inside. She saw something perfect for this. The door closest to them leads back into the creepy basement. Nora rips the first painting she sees off the wall: a grotesque dark image of what seems to be martyrs, likely painted by someone from their _group_. She doesn’t spend time looking at it, just brings it back out to throw it in the fire pit.

As she pulls out a lighter and brings up the flame, John looks like he might stop her for a moment. She holds the flame close to the frame, waiting, but he only nods for her to continue.

As the painting is engulfed by fire, never to be seen again, there’s a certain lightness that comes back to John’s face along with a small smirk.

“Okay,” he says turning to her, running his hand through his hiar “maybe you were right. Burning things is fun. And I do think _legally_ we have to burn some of it.”

“Right? You never know if shredding companies lose any of your stuff, afterall.”

“Yes, and some of these paintings really shouldn’t see the light of day.” he says, playing along to further justify their decisions.

“Alright then” Nora clasps her hands together “Let’s get burning.”

John handles most of the paperwork; there’s a few things he might need to keep and he knows what to look for. Nora is happy to go for the cult paintings first, then the books in the library. It would seem a shame, but they’re mostly shotty self help books or their zealot propaganda. She sets aside anything that the public library could use, but it only ends up being a small pile of dictionaries.

As flames lick the soon to be forgotten items, there is a sense of closure that fills the air. With each item burned and room cleared, they come closer to another severed tie from his nightmares.

As they go through the house, Nora can’t help but notice John avoiding one room in the basement, so much as to go out of his way to never pass too near to the door. Curiosity gets the best of her when he’s in the library, collecting the last papers to deal with. Really, she figures if it’s something she can handle without him, she may lighten his load.

She wasn’t prepared to see what laid inside, though it had stuck in the back of her mind. They have everything down there, a small pool for “baptisms” (though she knows just enough to know that they aren’t at all in the traditional peaceful sense), a wine cellar stocked to the brim with wine, what appears to be a meeting room.

But the last room was small and mostly empty except for the shrine they had. John had told her about this, that they had this room to “worship”. It sits with unlit candles. It’s odd, really. She’s never dealt with this kind of thing, and it’s so far from her mind when she’s with John- she remembers the abuse, but not the cult stuff.

Whenever she’s learned about different religions and faiths in the past, it’s been comparable enough; she’s been to church plenty of times, she believes there’s a God. She found it nice to learn what other people believe- there’s a lot of good out there from it… there’s a lot of bad too in the manipulation of that, but she never faced a belief so rooted in self hatred as his family’s.

Next to the dusty shrine sits a wooden chest, already propped open. It takes her a moment to process the items inside, most prominently whips- they look handmade for the purpose of self inflicted pain, remnants of what might be blood still on one.

The thought makes her sick to her stomach; a cacophony of emotions collide as anger and heartbreak build within her. To hear about John’s past is one thing, but to see the literal devices of his pain in the home that has haunted him for so long. She finds her throat tightening as tears threaten to spill from her eyes…

“Ah, I see you found it then.”

Nora jolts upon hearing John’s voice behind her “I- I didn’t meant to-” She turns to look at him, words lost in her throat. The look on his face, visible stress and the pain residing deep in his eyes is enough to push her over the edge. A single droplet trails down her cheek. She tries to hide it, lest he think it pity, but she can’t; he feels like so much a part of her, to imagine his pain is to feel pain.

“It’s okay, we have to handle it some time.” he says, and while his voice is brave, she can see the fear in his eyes as they linger on the items in the room.

“Go” she demands.

“What?”

“Go. I’ll take care of it.” Nora says more authoritatively than she feels right now.

John runs his hand through his hair, thinking before he responds. “I can’t ask you to do that.”

It’s overwhelming, the need to help him, to protect him. Nora closes the gap between them and cradles his face in her hands. “John, it’s okay.” She kisses him slowly and tenderly. “Let me help you. I need to help you.”

John holds onto her like a lifeline, a shaky breath escaping his lips. “Okay.”

Nora gathers all the items she can find, ceremonial books and photos, ornate blankets and papers with verses from books she’s never heard of written on them and empty declarations of sin. It tears at her heart, but she would gladly deal with this rather than let John relive a single memory here.

Once everything is collected, she quickly carries it to the fire, unceremoniously dumping it in as John watches from afar. He doesn’t come near till it’s burned long enough for the objects to become unidentifiable.

The bitter memories soon melt away as they work through the rest of the home, with easier work to be done and conversations to be held. Nora is surprised John is able to keep his mood up so quickly after facing all these things, but she notices him glancing at her more with adoration in his eyes throughout the day.

“I think we’re almost done,” he says, wiping his hands on his pants. The smell of old papers fills the room with everything he had been going through.

“I think so” her eyes survey the room, finally landing on the kitchen. “Oh! Let me double check the kitchen cabinets.”

She peruses each drawer and cabinet, each empty except for the last. “There’s a pitcher in this one.” she says. It’s too high for her to reach easily, her fingers deftly feeling for it. Her grip is off and the metal pitcher falls to the ground with a thud, likely denting the floor. As it tumbles, a small plastic bag flies out, landing at John’s feet.

He laughs loudly, leaning down to pick it up. “I was wondering where this was!” he grins at her, that ridiculous mischievous smile on his face.

“Is that marijuana?!” Nora squeals, but she’s smiling too.

“Do you think it’s still good?” he wonders, more to himself than her, knowing his girlfriend’s likely reaction.

“No! _John_ ,” Nora scolds, though she can’t help but giggle. “Burn it or something!”

He chuckles again, at her this time. “Darling, you want me to burn it?”

“Right, no- flush it down the toilet then.” when he continues to stare she adds “It’s probably moldy or something. Come on!”

The pot doesn’t bother her so much as the illegal nature of it, and John’s addictive personality. He confided in her once when they were friends that even the occasional use did little more than bring back bad memories of his worse days.

“Okay, okay. Fine, _officer_.” John grumbles, but she can still hear him laughing to himself as he does.

\--

With the last paper entering the fire and nothing left to do but watch it burn, the pair stand in the yard, watching the burning smoke rise above them. John pulls Nora close against his chest, capturing her lips momentarily.

“Thank you, my love.”

“Anything for you, Johnny.” she smirks.

“Really, you never cease to amaze me. This-” he gestures to the house “This is a part of my life no one has ever seen. But you don’t make me feel _bad_ about it.”

Nora knows how much John has hidden himself his whole life, but it still makes her sad to think about- to think that he’s still struggling to understand how he can show her all of him. “This is just a chapter in your past. You’re perfect to me. You know that.”

He’s quiet for some time, his eyes slowly raking over her. “Perhaps we’ve earned ourselves a victory dance.” he suggests, offering his hand to her. Nora takes it quickly, placing her other hand on his shoulder as his arm wraps around her waist.

“We don’t have any music, and I’m not sure I’m a good dancer.” she mumbles, surprisingly shy for once.

“Nonsense.” John smiles. He begins to hum a song they both know well, moving to the beat. With slow, anticipated steps, they rock close together. Occasionally, he steps back to spin her like she’s seen dancers do in the movies but never experienced herself. It makes her feel like a princess dancing with her prince charming- something she never really thought she would want to feel, but it has her blushing in the firelight nonetheless.

\--

The car is silent on the way home, only the noises of the road below them filling the space. In the passenger seat, John quickly dozes off next to her. His face is peaceful, despite the stressful day. It makes Nora smile to see. She can tell a weight has been lifted from his shoulders, dealing with this. Soon it will be sold and he will never have to see or think about it again. Tomorrow, they will stay home in their pajamas and relax, and soon enough the past will just be another chapter forgotten- to be replaced with better ones.

\-------------

“Nora, darling, you’re sure about this?” John asks as his hands trace lines down her back, bare and exposed to him. He examines each muscle and curve of her as she lays in front of him, waiting.

“Yes.”

The word brings a smile to his face, always so trusting with him, but he has to be sure. “And you don’t want to see it first?”

“I saw your drawing. It’s okay, I trust you.” Nora says impatiently. But somehow, he likes the game of it.

“Oh, but those were just doodles, my love.” He leans forward to place a soft kiss at the base of her neck as he speaks.

“Nothing you draw is a doodle, John.” she says, peering back at him. “Can we get started already?”

“As you wish,” he says, running his hand down her spine one more time. With a flick of a switch, the tattoo gun comes to life and he begins.

The lines of it on her shoulder blade sting- more in some places than others, but it’s nothing she can’t handle. John stops from time to time to give her a break, knowing the piece is a bit big for a first tattoo. His was only a small doodle on his hand the first time, but the obsession grew to methodically planning new ink to cover his arms- thankfully, his methods and designs have improved drastically since the first few, some he covered up later on.

This one, though. This one has to be his favorite he’s ever designed. Once he’s finally finished, he leans back to admire his handiwork; its red and she’ll need time to heal, but the delicate black flowers on her pale skin covering her shoulder blade take his breath away. The floral design is perfect for her. It’s fine lines and elegant design contrast his darker tattoos. It’ll be easily hidden, but she can show it off, too.

He can hardly wait to trace the shapes with his fingertips- to ghost his lips over her skin and see how something from him will always be a part of her now. It’s perfect.

“All done, my love.” John grins stupidly as he leads her to a mirror. He watches carefully as she inspects the new ink.

He crowds in close, pulling her waist to press her against him as much as he can while she looks back into the mirror. He can’t help but attach his lips to her neck, kissing and nipping. Nora lets out a small gasp, whether from his distraction or the tattoo, he’s unsure. “Is it alright?” he murmurs, almost scared to see her expression.

“John,” she pulls him up to face her, her nose touching his as she speaks, hushed and sultry, “It’s so beautiful. Thank you."

The compliment gives him butterflies in his stomach, his smile lighting up his face. With their close proximity and all the thoughts running through his brain, he can’t help but capture her lips in a hungry kiss, maybe too much and too desperate with wandering hands, but he can feel her grin against him.

“You look so beautiful.” he murmurs between kisses, unable to focus on anything else but her body so close to him, one arm pulling her tight against him while his other hand comes up to find her breast.

Nora hums thoughtfully “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“I have a lot of things in mind.”

Nora chuckles, and he can see it in her eyes, she knows- she knows what she’s done to him. The whole thing got him thinking, but now, to see how absolutely committed she is to him, to let him put his art on her body. To show how she really is his, and he's hers... 

“I believe you’re supposed to cover up new tattoos.” she says smugly.

He purses his lips, grip tightening on her hip to where he knows she can feel his nails dig in. _Tease_. “Of course” John pulls her back to the bed, this time bending her over it. Nora giggles as he pushes her down with his hand in her hair, much gentler than he could. He leans over her body, careful not to brush her shoulder as he speaks in her ear “You’ll just have to stay still for me then, hm?”

John presses against her, quickly working at getting the seran wrap over her tattoo- it’ll protect it from germs or scratches, and he certainly can think of a few things he’d like to do with her right now. Later, it can air out, but for now she’ll need it.

“I’m not sure this is very professional” she teases, pressing back against him.

He swallows the groan that threatens to escape his throat, instead reaching for the button of her jeans. “No? I'll make it up to you.” he says, dropping to his knees as he pulls her jeans down, the thin lace covering her following with it.

"And how's that?" She asks through airy breaths, the answer exemplified as his mouth finds her most sensitive parts.

"I'm going to show you just how much you're _mine_." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I?? Have no excuse for the last half of this chapter being a lot more spicy than it needed to be??? It just seemed like the kinda thing John would get worked up about ;) 
> 
> Also! If you're curious, this is what I used to reference John's parents' house and holy craaaapppp is this insane. if that basement/movie room/wine cellar/sauna doesn't scream cult, I don't know what does. I honestly wasn't going to go that far into detail with his family's cult stuff but I saw this and it just was perfect. 
> 
> https://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/4110-Paces-Ferry-Rd-NW_Atlanta_GA_30327_M54418-80077#photo0

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading this, I love you all! Thank you so much! 
> 
> There are quite a few time gaps for the sake of this not becoming 200 pages long, soooo if you have any questions about their relationship or prompts, PLEASE comment! I would LOVE to write scenes as a additional part of this series. :)


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